Kiss with a Fist
by aussiemma
Summary: She's a walking contradiction. A rush of wild blonde curls and piercing intense blue; who can chew you up and spit you out. She was the bane of my existence, and apparently I was in love with her. How the hell did this happen?
1. I'm a failure by design

**Does anyone ever really read these authors notes?:** I promised myself that I'd never post this. I'm a total virgin here (that's what she said) so go easy on me would ya? I'm not pursuing a career in writing, nor am I trying to create a masterpiece. I'm simply going out of my mind with the lack of relationship development between Sam & Freddie on the show, that I kinda need to get it out of my system. And let's face it, Dan isn't going to make what's going on in my head come to life on screen. Le sigh.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned iCarly, Freddie would have taken Sam roughly against a wall by now, thus making it a show not suitable for children.

**/**

**ONE:**

…_**if I could I'd sit this out.**_

**/**

Ever have one of those situations where you just want to start peeling off your own skin so that you can feel something other than the overwhelming uncomfortable tension floating in the air? Well it's horrible, and it happens far too often for me. I'd had nightmares about similar situations to the one I was currently in before, and they all resulted in me strapped to the hood of my car with her behind the wheel. But right now she was silent, and she'd been that way for more than half an hour. Usually I'd take these silent moments from Sam and revel in them, it was only on very rare occasions that she would be completely quiet, but the circumstances were different now. She wasn't chowing down on a plate of ribs, she didn't have me in a headlock, she wasn't giving some other poor unsuspecting nerd a wedgie and she certainly wasn't asleep in class. She was dealing. In her own Sam way; she was dealing with her emotions the best way she knew how, avoidance.

Seeing her like this did strange things to my gut; I was definitely not used to this sort of silence between us. It scared me shitless to realise just how much I wanted to hear her talk right now. I would never have imagined, not even in four billion light years, feeling like I needed her to insult me, hit me... something.

_Huh, how's that for cruel irony?_

I'd been telling myself for the better part of ten years that this side of Sam didn't exist, she wasn't deep, she didn't feel pain or let things upset her. She was Sam, hard, obnoxious, rude, always emotionally stunted, sarcastic Sam; _that_ I could handle, her current mood and the silence I could not.

"You ok?" I saw her stiffen slightly as my words cut through the stillness. Her face was hidden behind her curls as she rested her head against the window but I could just about feel the scowl she was giving me from behind the safety of her hair. She never responded. "Sam c'mon," I waited a beat for an answer, "Look I know how you mus-"

"Can it, dork. The last thing I need right now is your whiney voice ringing in my ears," She spat, never lifting her head off the glass.

Why did I ever expect more than that? In what twisted universe did I think Sam would want to talk about the emotional goodbye she'd just shared with her best friend, and why would she ever want to talk about it with me?

_Moron._

Carly had dropped a bomb on us last night, well more like a 'ninja ambush' as Sam had so eloquently put it. She was leaving Seattle for three years to study in Europe, which meant the plans of us all attending UW together were thrown aggressively out the window. Leaving me and Sam without our friend, without our mutual buffer, without the peacemaker that kept us together. Carly had kept the news from us for almost two weeks, deciding that a last minute whirlwind twenty-four hour goodbye would be better than stretching it out over several weeks making things awkward and tense.

_Yeah, thanks Carly._

I tried to focus on anything, anything but the obviously upset and now agitated blonde beside me. I was doing a pretty good job, thinking about who my roommate would be in a few weeks, what classes I'd signed up for, all that college stuff that should be occupying my thoughts. But everything went back to Carly from the moment she'd hit us with the news, and what I'd just witnessed from Sam.

"_She's not taking this well," Carly announced, still staring at the studio door after Sam declared she needed ham and walked out._

"_She seems fine to me Carly."_

_I saw no difference from the time before Carly had told us she was leaving up until now. Sam always needed ham. Whether it was the early hours of the morning, in the middle of fourth period, right after brushing her teeth (gross) or at the zoo conveniently in front of the wild boar exhibit. Go figure. How Carly came to the conclusion that Sam was genuinely upset about this was beyond me._

"_Exactly," She stated as if I should know what she was talking about._

"_I take it I'm supposed to know what you mean?"_

"_Come on Freddie," She paused, placing her hands on her hips and tilting her head to the side disapprovingly, "How long have you known Sam?"_

_Oh god, too long; nearly left my lips but I managed to catch it. "I don't know. Going on ten years I guess," I may have grimaced._

"_Ok, and in that ten years you've managed to miss Sam's coping mechanism some how? It might seem like she doesn't care, but she does Freddie. More than you know," Carly replied, solemnly._

_"I don't doubt that she cares Carly; I mean I refuse to believe she's made of complete stone. But I suspect her level of grief over this is about as high as the football team's average this year. Even when it comes to you."_

___I thought she was being slightly too dramatic about Sam and her reaction to all this._ Sam had never shown me that she cared about anything except for food and sleeping, and of course her specific affinity to cause me bodily harm. What else was I supposed to think?

"_You know for a smart boy you're a complete idiot sometimes!"_

"_Ouch," I said wide eyed, Carly rarely insulted me._

"_Look. I know you think she hates you and is completely devoid of any compassion but you have it all wrong. She's hurting right now, and she would rather have everyone believe that she doesn't give a shit than have to deal with the emotions she's feeling publicly."_

"_That's so messed up," I added. _

_Why the hell was it my problem that Sam was this way? Carly was always trying to get me to see reason when it came to Sam, but the damage had been done. She and I just weren't meant to be as close as they were._

"_Yeah, it is. But you don't know her like I do."_

_Here we go again. "Well whose fault is that?" I shot, my annoyance building._

"_Freddie stop. Can we please not have this conversation again, at least not tonight? I know you think that this is just Sam being difficult but it isn't," Carly pleaded._

_I really truly didn't want to get into this again, especially not now but I was just so irritated. I rolled my eyes and replied, "Whatever." I threw myself down into a beanbag, letting my anger dissipate into some form of grief over my best friend slash part time girl of my dreams leaving me in a matter of hours._

_Carly plopped herself down into the beanbag beside mine, and turned to look at me. I refused to meet her gaze because I knew she had her 'favour' face on, and I really didn't want to do her any favours at this point. I knew looking at her would make me cave in to her every wish in just a matter of seconds. I was such a fucking pushover._

"_I actually was hoping you could do me a favour?"_

_Of course._

_I let out a rather loud, albeit aggravated, sigh, "Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like this?"_

"_Because I think you know what I'm going to ask," She smiled widely at me. I just rolled my eyes and offered no reply. "Can you promise me that you'll try to look out for her while I'm gone?"_

_Ding Ding Ding! What do I win this time?_

_"Ohhhh, Carly!" I whined, like the little girl I was whenever she asked anything of me._

"_Please Freddie. I'm only asking you to try. For me? She'd never admit it but she needs someone... even you." _

_Yeah right, I mused. _

_Sam would rather swallow razor blades than spend alone 'friend' time with me, regardless of whether or not she needed someone. Carly didn't falter once, her smile still spread widely across her face, her eyes more pleading than I'd ever seen them._

_I let out yet another sigh, "I hope you know how much you owe me for this."_

"_Freddie you're the best!" She beamed, jumping out of her beanbag, dragging me with her into an overzealous bear hug._

"_Whoa! Have I ruined the moment? Should I dim the lights and leave?" Sam teased entering the studio with a plate of ham piled high enough to feed a small country._

_Carly immediately moved over to Sam and grabbed her into the same bear like hug. "C'mere you goof." I could tell Carly's cheesy grin was now forced and she was holding back tears as she hugged Sam. Sam's face never changed, blank and unfazed with her signature smirk._

"_Chill Carls. You're not dying." She laughed, not putting any emotion into the hug at all._

_I tried to replay Carly's words in my head, that Sam was actually having a difficult time with this. It wasn't the first time Carly had tried to explain Sam and her 'ways' to me, but I just could not see what she was trying to tell me. If it was true, Sam was one hell of an actress._

_The night continued much the same, none of us acknowledging how it was inevitably going to end. We did our final broadcast of iCarly showing clips from old episodes and reliving our favourite moments. We promised the viewers that we'd keep the iCarly site open to update them with blogs and to post videos whenever we could, Sam did have good ideas sometimes, had to give her that much._

_Carly's farewell was difficult to watch, she never shed a tear but her voice cracked and she took several pauses to regain her composure. I kept an eye on Sam during Carly's speech; I guess you could say she wasn't her usual bright self. I joined the two girls on camera for our group farewell before Spencer cut the feed and announced it was time to head to the airport._

_My stomach was in knots. It was all happening too quickly, way too quickly, and my brain was desperately trying to keep up. I didn't even register that Spencer was talking to me, until he snapped his fingers in my face twice before repeating himself._

_Something about wanting to drive Carly to the airport... alone._

_Well, great._

_I quickly pushed the now sinking gut feeling aside and tried to see things from Spencer's perspective. They needed some alone time, for Spencer to get in his goodbyes and what I suspected to be the mandatory brotherly advice._

_So I drove Sam and the rest of Carly's luggage that wouldn't fit in Spencer's car out to the airport. We argued, she insulted, I tried to gain control of the stereo, and she smacked me across the head before playing some rock song I'd never heard of before in my life; nothing unusual._

_We all stood at the gate waiting for the final call. None of us spoke a great deal, just general chit chat about the other passengers, where Carly would be sitting... all that superficial crap people spin when they don't want to address the elephant in the room. We were silently watching the people filter into the gate when the announcement came._

"_This is the final boarding call for flight 293 to London."_

"_That's you kid." Spencer announced._

_"Yeah. I guess it is." Carly turned to face us, still no tears but they weren't far off, I suspected she'd be a wreck once she was in her seat. _

_"I'll miss you guys so much," She paused. Trying to lighten the mood she let out a small chuckle, "But thank God for technology right? And summer vacations." _

_I gave her a small reassuring smirk before she hugged me and said, "Please try." I nodded. _

_She then shared a hug with Spencer before turning to Sam. _

_"Pointless of me to ask you to try and stay out of trouble huh?" Carly asked, Sam gave her a smirk but it never reached her eyes and faded almost instantly. I watched as Carly took her by the hand and they moved closer to the gate, Sam simply kept her eyes on the ground as Carly spoke, nodding every so often._

_Sam's mood had done a complete one-eighty in just a matter of minutes. I saw no aggression, I saw no fire, I simply saw hopelessness; and when Carly hugged Sam, and turned to wave at us one more time before disappearing onto the jetway I saw a small piece of Sam break. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't somewhat intrigued by this, I'd never seen her upset, subdued or detached, ever._

_She was trying her hardest to keep it hidden from the world, just as she had always done, but she was failing, and I think she knew she was but couldn't seem to care. My eyes may have deceived me but I was sure I saw at least one tear slide down her cheek. She continued to stare blankly at the now closed doors of Gate 16 before collapsing with what seemed like emotional exhaustion into a nearby chair._

_I felt something._

_Spencer suddenly spoke, tearing my focus away from Sam. "I'm ahh, heading over to Socko's. You alright to give Sam a lift home?"_

_Going to drown his sorrows I suspected. The impending doom of having to drive Sam home like this made me feel like I was going to spill the contents of my stomach all over the carpet and my shoes. I could feel every ounce of blood drain from my face. But I had promised Carly, unwillingly, to look out for Sam, and I knew that going back to that empty apartment right now was not what Spencer wanted. He needed just one night with a bottle of vodka, who was I to deny him that? I could do with a bottle of vodka myself right now._

_"Sure. No problem Spence," I replied, turning my gaze back to Sam. She hadn't moved._

_Spencer gave me a very unenthusiastic hair tussle before leaving. I stood there for a few minutes having an internal argument with myself, how was I going to approach this situation? It was all foreign to me. I was getting some pretty weird looks from the people that passed by. Not wanting to have to deal with a security issue I decided quickly that I'd handle Sam the same way I handle her when she's all wound up about ready to inflict bodily harm. Not speak. I moved over to where she was, her face unchanged, her eyes blank. I sat in the spare seat next to her, and we just sat._

I had never given much thought into the inner workings of Sam's psyche. But tonight had given me far too much to dwell on, I hated this feeling. I always just took Sam on face value, or more appropriately how easily she could beat me into a pulp if she knew I was trying to decipher what went on in her messed up head, so I never bothered. I wanted to scream, or throw myself at a wall, maybe both.

Carly was the only person that knew the real Sam, she was the only one that was ever allowed to see behind Sam's tough exterior, beyond the insults and the bruises. They were the text book definition of best friends. But for us, well I don't think there's a single word in the english language to appropriately define the 'relationship' Sam and I have, enemy sounds too harsh and friend is too much of a stretch. How is anyone supposed to define the relationship between a girl who tortures you every chance she gets but you are forced to hang out with because she just happens to be the best friend of the girl you once loved?

Yeah, figure that one out and get back to me.

But why did I even need to define it? Up until now I was quite content with how things were for Sam and me. We were always just each others verbal bashing spring boards. Well, I was hers for longer than I care to admit, but I've been getting mine back these past few years.

That psychology unit I glanced over when signing up for classes wasn't looking so bad now. If to only get some inadvertent answers and rid my mind of these impossible, confusing, and down right inconvenient thoughts. I could learn something new, figure Sam out and never have to think about her in a confusing context again. Simple.

I don't know how much time had passed, I was desperately trying to curb my thoughts before I drowned in my confusion so paying attention to the clock was low on my list of priorities. Finally I'd managed to find a happy memory. I was quietly re-playing our first iCarly episode in my head when Sam shook me out of my daze.

"Pull over here," She demanded. I nearly jumped at the sound.

"What?"

"Pull over. I wanna get out here," She stated as if it were the most obvious thing.

"Sam we're nowhere near your house."

"I'm not going home," She explained, in a tone that made me feel like I was back in 4th grade. By this time she'd undone her seatbelt and had her hand ready to open her door.

"Well where exactly are you going? Because it looks as if we're nowhere," I said finally taking notice of our surroundings. Empty houses on the left and what appeared to be a large field lined with trees to the right.

"Where I go and what I do is not your concern Fredly. Now stop the car."

Images of Sam wrenching open the door and jumping out of the car as I still sped along the road flashed through my mind. I wouldn't put that kind of thing past her, and to avoid the guilt trip I'd get if she was hurt while I was behind the wheel I reluctantly pulled the car to a stop.

"I'm not comfortable leaving you here Sam."

"Well I am a big girl Benson. It's not like I need someone to look out for me, making sure I don't scrape my knee or talk to strangers," She said while opening her door and climbing out.

Her tone threw me off, I couldn't tell for sure but I swear there was a hidden message in there somewhere. I got the odd sense that she was pissed at me for not being able to read her mind. Before I got to question her on the possible hidden meaning she slammed the door and screamed, "See ya round Freddo!" And with that she took off running down the path, into the bushes and out of sight.

I was in deep shit. Carly was going to verbally bitch slap me when I next spoke to her, not to mention my own conscience suddenly throwing in the feeling of immense guilt for letting her disappear, alone, late at night. But how the hell was I supposed to stop her? Sam was flakey and lived by the seat of her pants, nothing scared her. Certainly not Freddie Benson demanding that she got back in the car, if I could even find her at all. She would be fine right? She did this kind of thing all the time.

I must have sat in the idle car for at least fifteen minutes contemplating my next move. Carly's absence already having a ripple effect. I rested my head on the steering wheel for a moment and thought about just how completely screwed things were going to be between Sam and I from now on. Carly had always been able to talk sense into Sam, reason with her, but me? Well I was at a loss. Anger slowly started to creep its way into the mix.

She was so unbelievably selfish! Just taking off like that not bothering to think about the people who might actually be concerned for her safety. She did what she wanted when she wanted regardless of anyone else, regardless of anyone else's feelings. Well damn it, I could be that selfish too! I sped off in the direction of Bushwell Plaza, screeching the tires as I went hoping she could hear my anger through the sound of burning rubber.

I made a deal with myself to not let another thought about Sam plague me... _ever_ again.

**/**

**A/N: **I have no frame of reference, but I can pretty much categorically say that reviews make me giddy.

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

Chapter title comes from the song 'Failure by Design' by Brand New.


	2. And I'm not so sure

**Note-y Emma is gonna note:** So I'm back with the second chapter kids. Thank you to everyone who alerted, favourite'd, reviewed! The whole American/Australian english thing is a little hit and miss. Some words I just can't handle changing and others look stupid my way, so just go with it =]. Oh, and the little 'ditty' that gets mentioned in this chapter is real. It's an old commercial that aired here in Australia back in the 80's to educate children. Ahh the memories. If you wanna see it just type 'Vitamins Channel 9 Perth' into Youtube. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **If I owned iCarly I'd cast myself on the show and Spencer and I would date. Once again, making it a show not suitable for children.

**/**

**TWO:**

_**...if I'm sure of anything anymore.**_

**/**

It had been three weeks. Normally a Sam-less three weeks should be something I'd wish for, something I'd do a weird freakish ritual dance for; if I wasn't so completely and so totally mind numbingly bored! Apparently Sam was right all along, I didn't have many friends. Gibby was off doing romantic summer things with Tasha, Carly was in Europe probably falling in love with some typically dashing English guy and well, Sam I'd not seen or heard from since that night she fled from my car.

Bored was a pathetic description of how I was feeling. I'd watched every DVD we owned, rearranged my tech equipment all while updating every piece of software I could, of course, and checked and replied to the iCarly comment board more than necessary.

I couldn't even count on my mom to arrange activities for us anymore. After years of constantly reminding her that I was no longer baby coupled with the whole moving out for a week incident, she'd relaxed enormously. Add that to the additional freedom that getting my license granted, and she'd pretty much given up controlling me completely.

Which was great; until now. That is scientific proof of just how bored I was. I'd gladly take a mother son tap class, or something else just as lame with her at this point. But she was working a ton, taking extra shifts at the hospital where she could and making plans with her friends in any spare time she had. I guess that's just the way the world works: "You don't know what you've got till it's gone."

_ Fuck you Joni Mitchell. Fuck you and your profound yet completely obvious lyrics!_

I really, _really_ hated that song.

The pact I'd mentally made with myself to not think about Sam wasn't working out too well for me either. This was all her fault. If she wasn't all sad and confusing right before she disappeared for three weeks I would never have given her another thought. But no, like the idiot that I am I had tried to contact her. I might have waited two days in the vain hope that she would contact me, but she never did, and each time I tried calling I was greeted with her irritating, obnoxious, monotone voicemail "You've reached Sam Puckett. Congratulations".

_Stupid._

Of course, Carly had been incessant with the phone calls, and e-mails, and text messages, and instant messages, and... you get the drift. I really didn't mind; plus she hadn't been too hard on me when I'd explained the whole Sam situation, although she did remind me to keep trying... "For me?"

I swear, if I didn't know better I'd say that girl just loves the power trip she gets from being able to control me like that. I didn't even need to be in the same room as her to become a cowering servant.

But talking to Carly did always put me in a better mood; even if the harsh reality of not being able to just walk across the hall and see her was reinforced with every phone call.

I really miss her.

No. Wait a minute; she's the one that asked me to do the impossible. She's the one who left and took her 'Switzerland-like' peacemaking abilities with her!

I take it back; this is all Carly's fault… and Sam's, and my mom's, and...

_Ugh_.

I still miss her though.

What had I done in a previous life to be cursed with such complicated women in this one? Why can't things just ever be simple?

I let out a loud groan and pulled my sorry ass off the couch where I'd been having this argument with my ceiling for close to an hour. Proving that ceilings really only have one purpose, and it's not to provide anyone with answers.

_Asshole ceiling anyway._

I really needed to calm down before I punched the wall... or something equally pathetic and pointless. I couldn't figure out why the hell I was feeling like this, so anxious and angry, but I figured a shower might help. I took myself to the bathroom; looking in the mirror I had to laugh at my reflection. Every hair on my head stuck out in all different directions, my eyes were bloodshot, my face was whiter than the bath tiles and I still had some breakfast from this morning encrusted on my cheek. I looked like a raging hobo.

_Heh._

I climbed in and tried to let the warm water relax my tension, but I knew it was just a temporary solution. I was on edge and no amount of soothing water was going to calm me completely. I forced my mind to empty all my frustrations and allow it to be filled with the crude images that normally invade my thoughts while I was alone in the shower. But even then, the arousing thoughts were tainted with aggravation. 'Little Freddie' was slow to cooperate, but I went the distance, hoping that a physical release would give me some clarity. It didn't.

After showering for longer than I should have, and looking like an old shrivelled up prune, I quickly changed and decided I needed to get out. Out into the land of the living. Even if I looked like a complete loner I had to get outside, being a hermit was no good for my health. That stupid song my mom had recited to me over and over again from the age of five echoed in my memory _"Get out in the sunshine, and get vitamin D. I'm good for eyes; I'm good for your bones."_ I hung my head in shame; I guess she still has some control over me.

_Damn it._

I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and was headed for the door when I heard a loud thud and shouting coming from the hall. I knew who it was instantly.

"OW! Spencer, you dropped that fucking box on my foot!"

I'd recognise that shriek even if I had ear plugs in.

_Sam._

"Sorry! But it's really heavy and that dog was staring at me!"

"What?" She screamed at him in disbelief. Even from behind my door I could see the expression she'd be giving him. I chuckled.

I opened the door to see Sam clutching her foot and Spencer looking a little freaked out, absently staring down the hall.

He pointed to the other end towards the fire escape, "That dog over th- HEEEEY!" He whined, "Where did it go? There was a dog right there, I swear it."

Glancing around, Sam shook her head, "I see no dog."

She was pissed. I confirmed it also looking down the hall, I saw no dog either.

"Did you mix your red pills with your blue ones today or something?" She mocked.

"I. But. It," He stuttered and shifted his eyes quickly back and forth between Sam and the end of the hall where he'd seen the elusive dog. "Oh man!" He let out a breath, looking rather deflated.

"Ugh. I think you broke my toe," Sam declared, lifting her foot and examining the damage.

Neither of them had noticed me yet. I could feel myself smiling at the display. Probably the first genuine smile I'd cracked in weeks. It was a slightly odd sensation.

"It's not broken," Spencer quipped while trying to pick up the box he'd dropped. "SHIT! What the hell is in this thing? Rocks?"

"Actually, yes."

"Why do you have a box full of rocks?" He deadpanned.

"My Grandmaw-maw likes to sit on her porch and throw them at the postman. Okaaaaay?"

"And you collect them once she's done?"

Sam lowered her eyes, smirked and spoke quietly, "_I_ might like to join her."

"_Of_ course."

Turning around Spencer finally noticed me leaning against my door frame enjoying the developing scene. "Freddo, my man!" He shouted, "Help me with this box would ya?"

"Uhh, sure." I jumped from my leaning position against the door and went over to him.

"Don't hurt your back there, Benson," Sam snapped before spinning on her heel and entering the Shay's apartment headed straight for the stairs. The first words I'd heard from Sam in three weeks and it was an insult. At least some things don't change.

"Why are we carrying a box of Sam's throwing rocks into your apartment?" I groaned at Spencer. The box was insanely heavy.

"Sam's moving in for the rest of the summer," He groaned equally as loud as I had.

_Say what now?_

"Really?" This was news to me.

"Yeah. She didn't tell you?" He asked, lowering the box onto the kitchen table.

Why would Sam tell me a thing like that? Spencer obviously thought the same as everyone else. That Sam and I could continue to be... well, whatever the hell we were, without Carly around.

"Ahh no. Haven't spoken to her in a while, actually."

"Well that's the last of it!" Spencer shouted to the girl upstairs. Slightly out of breath, he turned to me with a partial worried look on his face, "So how you been kid?"

"Bored."

"You missing Carly then, huh?"

"No shit."

He gave me a reassuring pat on the back before heading over to the fridge. He grabbed two sodas sat himself on the couch and turned on the TV. I stood there for a minute not sure if I should join him, an odd feeling suddenly washing over me. I'd never felt uncomfortable in this apartment before, it was like a second home really. But now I felt out of place. I couldn't tell if it was just because of the obvious lack of Carly's presence or the fact that this was Sam's house now; for the rest of the summer anyway.

Finally, I joined Spencer on the couch and asked the question I'd been dying to know the answer to since he'd told me that Sam would be within easy killing distance of me for the next two months.

"Hey Spence," I paused and looked at my hands; it felt almost wrong to ask, "Why is Sam moving in?" I knew questioning Sam would get me nowhere. I just hoped that Spencer didn't feel weird about telling me.

"You really haven't spoken to her lately have you?" I just shook my head. "I'm not really sure it's my place to be telling people, but..." I shifted in my seat to face him. I could tell by his tone this was serious. It wasn't just Sam being typical Sam, demanding she move in because it suited her own selfish needs. "Well see her m-" He was cut off by Sam bounding down the stairs.

Not bothering to take the last four steps she jumped from the first landing down. "I'm hungry!"

"Well what else is new?" I asked sarcastically, as she made her way into the kitchen.

"You know it," She hummed with her head now completely inside the fridge. "Spencer! You got any ribs?"

Spencer turned his head to me and whispered, "Crap. How did I manage to forget that she is a walking bottomless pit?" I let out a small chuckle and just smiled. This would definitely be an experience for him. Sure he'd spent more than ten years feeding her already, but now it was every day, every hour.

_This should be fun._

He rolled his eyes and answered, "No Sam. There aren't any ribs. You finished them all yesterday."

_Yesterday? She was here yesterday?_

I suppose it's no surprise that she didn't bother to see if I was home, but I couldn't help the feeling that came over me. It was a feeling that I couldn't assign an appropriate adjective to right now.

"Ohhhh man! You mean you didn't re-stock?" She complained, heading back into the living room. "I'm going out for a hot dog. Laters." And she was out the door.

"It's gonna be interesting isn't it? Sam living here?"

"You could say that," I laughed.

We sat there for a while, Spencer watching whatever was on TV, I paid it no mind. I had to know why Sam was now taking residence in Carly's old room. What could possibly have happened? I didn't know if Spencer would continue with our interrupted conversation from before, I felt a little pathetic asking again, almost sneaky. But I knew Sam would never confide in me and I risked a black eye asking her straight out. I sucked in a large breath before turning to Spencer. He spoke before I had the chance.

"You wanna ask me again don't you?"

I let out a small chuckle, "Am I really that transparent?"

"No," He laughed, "I would be exactly the same in your situation."

"So..." I took a long pause and looked at him. He was just smirking at me. "Damn it Spencer, are you gonna make me ask again?"

"Nah I'm just messin' with you." He playfully shoved my shoulder, "It's nice having you kids around again you know? It may have only been three weeks since Carly left but I miss you guys, and this place has been mega dullsville. I mean, look at my sculptures, they're all unfinished. That over there was supp-"

"Spencer!" I admonished, frustrated.

He snapped his head back to me, "Right. Sorry. Well I don't really know all the deets, and if she mentions anything you didn't hear it from me. But what I do know is that Sam came home, could have been days could have been weeks ago I'm not sure. Anyway she came home to find the house all boarded up and a for sale sign out front. Her things were on the porch with a letter from her mother saying she'd gone to Vegas to marry Chad."

"Chad?" I asked interrupting him.

"Who knows," He shrugged before continuing, "All I know now, is that her mother went to Vegas and hasn't been heard from since. She could be anywhere." He spoke softly with an obvious sadness in his voice. This was hard; Sam was like another little sister to him. I could see the brotherly concern for her in his eyes, and I needed no explanation as to why he would even entertain the notion of letting Sam move in.

I knew her family life was far from perfect but I just chalked that down to Sam being a royal pain in the ass at home to which her mother simply couldn't handle; and rightly so. But she didn't deserve this, even I could admit that.

To say I was in shock would be the understatement of the year. Realisation hit me like a freight train; everything I ever thought I knew about Sam was wrong, completely wrong, and the only thing I really knew for certain was that she threw a mean right hook, and of course the excessive eating habits. Okay, so I knew a few other things as well, but the list was pretty short.

At that moment I hated myself for not being the type of person Sam would come to with this kind of thing. But could I really blame myself for that? She was the one that chose not to open up to me; she was the one with enough pride to sink a cargo ship.

"You're not gonna mention that I told you any of this to her are you?" Spencer asked, obviously confused by the look on my face. I just shook my head, at a loss for words. I guess that gesture didn't give Spencer any confidence in my ability to keep my mouth shut.

"You know you can't force it with Sam. If she wants to tell you something she will, on her own terms."

I gave a slight nod, "Did she come to you with all this?" I had to know. I had to know if it was just me that she would shut down for.

"Oh shit. I was hoping you wouldn't ask me that," Spencer lowered his eyes. I shook my head and raised my eyebrows in a question of 'what?' He let out a loud sigh before continuing, "You have to promise me that you will never, ever mention any of this, unless she brings it up herself. Got it?" I nodded in agreement, even though every rational thought in my body was screaming "NO!" I really didn't want to have to keep another secret promise when it came to Sam. Things were so much easier when I didn't know her at all... I barely knew her now, but it already felt like I knew too much.

"I was teaching art down at the Sacred Heart Shelter a few days ago when I ran into Sam."

_Holy shit._

I knew where this was going.

"She tried to convince me that she was volunteering there, and I let her think that I believed her," Spencer began to nervously play with the top on his can of soda.

Fuck. Sam had been living in a shelter for god knows how long and she was just too damn proud to tell anyone. Is that where she went that night after the airport and she just didn't want me to know?

I made a small gesture with my hands asking him to continue. "She could tell that I knew the truth, but she appreciated the charade I kept. Sam needs stability and I knew just the way to handle the situation," He smiled proudly to himself, "Instead of making a big fuss about her taking refuge at a shelter, being abandoned, and feeling sorry for her, I casually dropped into the conversation that I had heaps of leftover food because she'd not been around to eat it all and I was lonely and scared here all by myself. She laughed, called me a sissy and lightly punched my shoulder. We grabbed what she had with her, which wasn't much. And that's about it."

I had to pick my jaw up off the floor; I replaced the shocked look with a small proud smile. I was in total awe of Spencer and his ability to know her that well and be able to diffuse the ticking time bomb that was Sam. I was always fucking things up and making her explode, apparently I'm a sucker for punishment, or I just lack any self preservation.

"So how did you find out about the letter and all that other crap with her stuff and the house?"

He let out a loud breath before fixing his eyes on me, "I swear to god Freddie if you utter a word of this to her I'll beat you down."

I just laughed and he glared. Spencer was one of the least threatening people in my life.

He narrowed his eyes into an evil glare, "Fine, I'll get Sam to do it."

Well that shut me up. I reminded myself to check if I still had my balls once I got home. He could tell by the look on my face that I knew he was serious.

"Good. Okay, so we hadn't even put her bags down when she turned to me handed over a piece of paper and said_ "This letter was attached to the front door when I got home, all my stuff was on the porch and the house was boarded with a great big 'ol for sale sign out front. We done with that?"_ I read the letter, looked at her and asked if she wanted to order pizza. She replied with a very soft but very sincere _"Thank you"_ and headed upstairs," Spencer shrugged taking a sip of his soda indicating that was the last they spoke of it.

I processed that mess for a minute, "Thanks," I paused, "For telling me all that." I finally said, my head spinning.

"No problem. Just don't let it come back to bite me in the ass."

"I won't."

I'd gathered far too much information about Sam today; information that I never thought existed, much less wanted to know, and I'd done it behind her back. There was that guilt feeling again, I wasn't used to it being associated with Sam. In my delusions I always thought that she would feel somewhat guilty about the scars she was leaving me with; never would I have ever thought it would be me feeling any amount of guilt _because_ of her.

How things were changing, or had changed... or were they always like this and I chose to ignore them?

Spencer excused himself to go take a phone call leaving me on the couch. I sat there in my bewildered state, drowning in it; wishing that by some grace of... well whoever the hell was up there would just let me get back to my regularly scheduled programming. Sam would be just regular Sam, my eternal rival who loved to eat more than she needed to breathe, and I would be none the wiser.

I could feel the mental image I had of Sam changing, into what, I have no idea, but it was changing, and changing fast. This was oddly unsettling. The other problem now, adding to the ever growing list of my current problems, was that I knew all this information I was surely never supposed to know and I couldn't even let her catch on to the fact that I knew any of it.

_Great. Just fucking wonderful!_

Anger. I could feel it building. She was hurting and refused to acknowledge it, she needed help and she refused to ask for it. Why this surprised me I don't know, it was typical Sam. I guess I've always just kind of ignored this about her, never knowing the reasons behind why she acted the way she did, made it easy to look the other way. Now I knew something, something horrible, and it made it almost impossible to understand why she would choose not to seek help from the people in her life... even me.

_Stubborn, selfish, stupidly proud, staring right at me, Sam!_

_Wait, what?_

"You still here?" She was standing right in front of me; mouth full of what I could only imagine was her third hot dog. I shook my head in an attempt to clear my mind and just blinked at her. "You do know that sitting around here like a useless sack of dork isn't going to make Carly suddenly appear in a great big puff of desperation smoke, right?"

I could only roll my eyes at her. I was about to get up and leave when she threw something into my lap. I raised an eyebrow at her in question and she just scoffed.

"It's a hot dog, genius," She said throwing herself onto the couch next to me.

Oh. Well, that's weird. She never shares food. Especially with me. "You bought me a hot dog?"

"Not exactly," She kept her eyes on the TV while devouring what was left of her food.

"You stole it?" Wouldn't surprise me.

"Define stole," She smirked, still never taking her eyes off the screen.

She was so annoying. "Just tell me where it came from if you didn't exchange money for it."

She sighed, "The pimple faced wiener loser gave it to me for nothing."

"Well that was nice of him," I said taking a bite of the hot dog now that I knew it wasn't contaminated in some way, at least I hoped it wasn't.

"Not really. It was a '_go on a date with me'_ bribe hot dog."

I looked at her, "And you accepted?" I asked, with probably a little too much surprise in my voice.

She turned to look at me, "No. I think you'll find that you just did." A massive cheesy grin spread right across her face.

"Hilarious," I deadpanned, while she continued to grin.

"I think so."

**/**

**A/N: **So it's official. Reviews make me giddy. The longer the giddier. You don't want to disappoint me now do you?

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

Chapter title comes from the song 'The Blue Channel' by Taking Back Sunday.


	3. All that she intends

**Take note of this note: **Hiya! Here I am with chapter 3, go nutz. FYI all the chapter titles and sub titles are song lyrics. Let me know if you want me to include the name of the song it comes from at the end of each chapter. Oh and for the record, I love The Sims. XD

**Disclaimer: **If I owned iCarly they'd take a trip down under and I'd get Sam & Freddie drunk, making them confess the fantasies I **know** they have for each other.

**/**

**THREE:**

_**...and all she keeps inside, isn't on the label.**_

**/**

It's no secret that I love video games. I'm a teenage guy, video games, hot girls and... well, video games that can incorporate hot girls are staples in the teenage male persona. But I'd never ever admit to playing this particular game. Dare I say not even if my life depended on it. It was always Call of Duty or Assassins Creed or Rock Band or the other 'approved' macho-esque games that we'd play, and then discuss and analyse for hours. There was never ever any mention of _this_ particular game. It was just something you never played or you flat out denied playing in fear of the ass kicking along with the perpetual torment that would follow.

So if anyone asked, I was not currently living out my life fantasies in a simulated world. No, this was not how I was spending a glorious summer afternoon. No way in hell. Na-uhh. Nope. Negative.

I was happily sitting in my delusion watching my delusional fantasies unfold before me as it were when I heard the front door click and fast footsteps approaching my room. I had barely thirty seconds to react.

"FREDDISON! You in here?" Sam screamed from the living room.

I scrambled around furiously trying to hide the evidence, but I only had time to pause the game and launch myself towards my bedroom door before she was standing right in front of me. The screen still illuminated with the embarrassing display behind me.

_Oh crap, oh crap, please focus on something else. My hair, my Star Wars bed sheets, the shameful pictures of my mom & me scattered around the room, my-_

"Whoa. Jeez Benson, jumpy much?" She questioned, her blue eyes set on mine.

I nervously shuffled my feet running a hand across the back of my neck. "Well, I ahh wasn't exactly expecting visitors. Let alone you barging in here unannounced. Pick the lock did ya?" I tried to make the shaky tone in my voice steady. I failed.

"Always." She smirked. "Why so skittish?" She paused, quickly observing my disheveled and panicked appearance. Her eyes widened in horror as she slapped a hand to her forehead. "Eww, you weren't like flogging your log in here or something, were you?"

"What? No Sam. Gross." I could feel my face burning with embarrassment. Did she have to be so crude? I was completely humiliated, even though I was clearly not partaking in that particular activity when she burst through the door. I honestly don't know which would be worse, her catching me in that act or what she was likely to catch me doing now.

She shrugged, raising both her hands in defence. "Hey I'm not judging. You do what you gotta do. I mean, no girl would be desperate enough to do it for you so…" She trailed off, giving me her best teasing smirk.

I let out a long exasperated breath. "Can we _please_ not be having this conversation?"

"Fine. Prude." She teased. "So what _were_ you doing in here?"

I was too preoccupied with rubbing my hands across my face in a hopeless attempt to go back in time and erase the last few minutes that I didn't even realise she'd moved past me. When I finally looked up from my hands and saw that she was no longer standing in front of me I spun around and found her sitting at my computer desk eyeing the current image on screen. Panic washed over me like a tidal wave.

"Noth-. I. Uhh. Well." I stammered, desperately trying to cover the screen with my arms. She swatted me away easily, grabbing my wrists and pinning them to the desk.

I was too late to even attempt a cover up story for this. So with a sigh, I gave up the useless action of resisting her death grip and I held my breath, dropping my head in humiliation. There was a short moment of dead silence while Sam registered the images on screen.

"Oh. My. God." She slowly emphasised each word, pausing briefly before continuing. "It's even worse than I thought." Again she paused, this time in disbelief and then burst into a fit of laughter; it was more like cackling, but whatever. Finally she caught her breath and was able to fake calm. "You were playing Sims!" She looked up at me before the laughter erupted again and she 'pretended' to wipe tears away from her eyes. It was totally for emphasis only, using dramatics to take pleasure in my shame. "Fucking hell Fredwad, just when I think you can't be any more of a loser you go and tip the scales."

_Ok Benson think fast, defend what's left of your manhood._

"I wasn't _playing_ in the literal sense. I was jus-"

Sam cut me off. "You know... you're a horrible liar."

_Why do I even bother? Kill me now._

Keeping her eyes on the screen she never looked over her shoulder as she delivered more insults. "Ohhh look, you've even got little cyber Fredbag proposing to Carly. How adorable." She cooed before turning her fake sympathetic expression on me and batting her eyelashes. "Did I ruin the moment?"

"Well actually y-"

"Ya know Freddie, generally when people want to escape reality and make a virtual second life they try to make it better than the one their living. But not you. Noooo, you've made this fake life just as lame and just as boring as your actual one." She began to point to the screen as she made her list of 'pathetic' similarities. "You've got the same apartment, the same clothes. Hell. Cyber Freddie even looks exactly like you. Why not some facial piercings or a tattoo even?"

_Heeeeey!_

I was proposing to my dream girl here, surely that made my simulated life a thousand times better than this one. Right? Ok, so everything else was the same, even who I'd made cyber Freddie share his first kiss with, but I wasn't about to let her know that. I pushed the chair she was sitting in aside and looked down at her, arms folded across my chest. "Did you come here just to insult me or did you want something?"

She let out a hefty sigh while getting up off the chair and walking over to my bed, dropping down onto her back with frustration. "Spencer's out at some art thing." She huffed.

"So?"

"Soooooo."

I think she was waiting for me to fill in the blank. I just glared at her as she shifted her weight propping herself up onto her arms.

"I'm bored." She said in an obvious tone that made it seem like more of a question than a statement, with a very strong undertone of '_do something about it'. _

I felt myself frown in confusion. Why would she come here? She had other friends. I'd never met them, but she always made sure I was aware of just how many she had and how infinitely more popular she was than I could ever be.

"And you came here?" This I had to hear.

She dropped herself onto her back again with a loud sigh. "Your house was the closest. And I'd actually rather be subjected to your nubbish ways for one afternoon than have to go all the way across town on a bus in this heat. Don't feel too special."

Lie? Maybe. Quite possibly.

_Oh, who am I kidding?_

Sam was inherently lazy, all she had to do was take a few steps across the hall and stumble in here. Minimal exertion required. She would have hung out with Reuben or even Nevel had either of them lived here; simply because it meant less effort.

That was the only reason right, because she was lazy? I found myself questioning the truth in her justification. Before recent events, and the recent things I'd learned involving Sam I'd have simply take her word and been appropriately offended. But now I just wasn't quite sure. Was Spencer really at some art show, or did she _want _to actually spend time with me? She'd never admit it, but it could be the truth, right?

I squashed the confusing thoughts quickly. Whether or not Sam really wanted to be here, hanging out with me of all people, I had given my word to Carly. Up until now I had refused to believe that Sam ever needed anyone apart from herself. But she came here. Despite the reasoning she gave me, and whether or not I believed it, she was here.

_She was on my bed._

_We were alone, in my room, and she was on my bed... on my bed. A girl on my bed._

_Sam on my bed._

_Sam._

_With her shirt slightly raised and her jeans resting low on her hips, exposing a smooth section of pale skin and the top of her simple black underwear and... Oh god. I can see her belly button__ and-_

I mentally slapped myself in the face. This train of thought was dangerous, potentially fatal. It had never happened with her in the same room before, and the only other time was in a dream I had, which ultimately left me in a terrifyingly, confused cold sweat. And right now she was playing out the exact beginning of said dream; effectively freaking me the fuck out.

Sam and I were meant to 'hate' each other, meant to be rivals... but when you're forced to spend an immeasurable amount of time with girls, it doesn't make you oblivious to the changes. In fact, it becomes something that you're acutely aware of. And I'm a very detail oriented guy to begin with.

Sam was a girl, after all, and unlike the rest of the chicks in high school she didn't just show up one day sporting a new range of low cut tops and questionable miniskirts. No, it was very subtle and gradual and extended over several months, changing her style minutely as she bloomed.

Puberty had been kind to her, and at some point over the last few months she'd learned how to use thick black eyeliner to her advantage, highlighting that alluring sort of dangerous aspect she's always carried around. Add womanly curves and a slightly more feminine angle to her traditional boyish 'Sam' wardrobe and no one would be able to say that she was unappealing, by any stretch.

So, I couldn't _help_ but notice the subtle differences in her. It was nothing, I'm a teenage guy. I can't be held responsible for being distracted by soft looking girl skin and black underwear. It was only hormone induced thoughts, they just happen. It's biology. It's nature. It-

"C'monnnn! Entertain me!" She whined, breaking me out of my internal mess.

I ran a hand across my face and rubbed the back of my neck with the other. "Sam. Entertaining you consists of either embarrassing myself, letting you cause me bodily harm, ultimately embarrassing myself or feeding you mass amounts of food." I paused and collapsed into my chair. "You can see my dilemma." I rested my head on the back of the chair and turned lazy eyes on her. Thinking the way I do was becoming increasingly exhausting.

"Yes, but you have to consider the fact that if you don't entertain me soon you will be forced to listen to me whine and complain for the rest of the day about just how bored I am. So which of the options is the lesser of all evils?" She responded raising her brows.

My head shot up automatically. "B.F Wangs?"

"Smart boy." She smirked, getting up off the bed and heading for the door. "Let me change first. Meet you downstairs in five?"

Grabbing my keys and wallet I turned to look at her. "What's wrong with what you're wearing now?"

She huffed turning her bored expression on me. "I am not getting into that soccer mom mobile you call a car that has no air conditioning wearing long pants and sneakers. That ok with you?"

Deciding that an argument with her about clothing would only lead into a detailed account of my 'coming out of the closet' party that she was planning, I sighed and agreed. "Five minutes?"

"Five minutes." She confirmed, already out the door.

I started to panic... and then I felt nervous. I was nervously panicking.

_What?_

Is it even possible to nervously panic, aren't they pretty much the same thing? Well, whatever. Right now they were two very different, very strong feelings.

Nervous, because I was armed with an array of information I was supposed to be oblivious to and panicking because now I would have to spend the rest of my afternoon forcibly reminding myself to not mention anything relating to parents, shelters, Carly's absence, houses for sale, letters, pizza... the list was endless. One little mention of any of those and I'd be a stammering mess, she'd see right through me.

_Fuck sake._

Of course, these were the only things currently in the forefront of my mind. Thinking about anything else was near impossible. You know when someone says "don't look over there" and all you can do is look?

_Yep, just peachy._

I started to inwardly make a list of talking points I could bring up, afraid of the silence I'd have to suffer through if she offered no topic of conversation. After the last silence we shared, I'm not sure I'd survive another.

Drawing a complete blank, and feeling far too ridiculous for even having to do something like this, I decided, in my desperation, that if I could think of nothing to talk about I'd offer myself up as bait. Give her enough ammo to tease and mock me over and over. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary for her, but I'd never planned her attacks on me before. That was surely no way to spend my afternoon.

_No way in hell._

Being the pansy that I was, I had to get out of this situation; immediately. I picked up my phone and was about to hit send on the text I'd written giving Sam some lame excuse for bailing when I remembered. Carly. Carly and her pleading eyes and warm hug trusting me to look out for her best friend who was supposedly in need of looking out for.

_Shit._

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair.

_For Carly._

_Carly._

I turned back to my computer and hit the pause icon, continuing with my interrupted proposal before the she-demon ruined yet another moment.

As the scene continued I couldn't help the explosive smile that struck my face. Cyber Freddie was down on one knee holding a ring up, full of hope, waiting for her response. Carly looked down at the ring, grimaced, shook her head and ran out the door.

_What the fuck?_

I was left in a state of something between mortified and shocked, mirroring the reaction on screen almost exactly.

I stared wide eyed at the game and my breath caught in my throat a little, was this some kind of sick, twisted, and completely pathetic omen?

I'd made peace with the fact that Carly and I weren't meant to be, but I couldn't help that small glimmer of hope that still remained. The one that I kept hidden, the one that I promised her didn't exist. But was this the final straw, was this a glimpse into my future if I kept that small hope alive no matter how deep?

The rational part of my brain finally spoke up.

_It's a freakin video game you dumbass!_

I instantly quit the game, not bothering to save it and headed out the door full of embarrassment and self loathing.

* * *

"Oh man, that is some seriously good BBQ pork right there." Sam declared, holding a rib up to her face practically worshipping it.

We were currently sitting on the hood of my car, as much as I protested the idea. Sam did have a hold of my food and threatened to eat it all if I continued to be a girl about keeping my mode of transport in good condition. Because "_you can't technically call it a car anyway" _she'd reminded me. And she would eat all of my food if I wasn't quick, it had happened before.

"You know it's probably not all that healthy for you to inhale your food." I watched in disbelief as she gorged herself, she was clearly trying for a new 'Sam record'. BBQ sauce plastered all over her left cheek.

"Shut up." She snapped, with her mouth full. "Besides, you don't hear me complaining about your eating habits." She chewed noisily and swallowed before continuing. "You eat slower than someone trying to eat soup with a fork."

I opened my mouth and closed it again, repeating the action a few times before giving up completely. Sam had bested me again. Don't know why I even bother sometimes. I sighed in defeat as she grinned and went back to stuffing her face.

I leaned back on the windshield linking my hands behind my head. All the nerves and panic from before had seemingly disappeared and now we just sat in a warm, comfortable silence, except of course for the sounds created by Sam gnawing on her pork ribs.

I shook my head and rolled my eyes, trying to focus on the clear summer night sky and what Carly might be doing at this very moment, but apparently Sam annihilating her food is like a train wreck; horrific but intriguing, and something you can't look away from.

I watched as she finished her ribs with gusto before wiping her mouth with the back of her arm and then proceed to pitch the bag of garbage into the trash can a few feet away with ease. After what seemed like a moment of beaming with pride at her mad 'trashketball' skills, her face altered into a look of... contemplation? I'd rarely seen it on her before, so finding the right word for it wasn't easy. She quickly snapped back to her usual post food delightful expression before grabbing me by the arm.

"C'mon." She chirped while dragging me off the hood of the car.

"C'mon what?" I asked, to the back of her head.

"We're going to the park."

"Uh I don't think so." I argued, trying to pull my arm back from her hold.

"Oh don't be such a baby, Benson. Live a little! I know it's probably after your bed time, being, what, 8:30 and all, but we are _reasonably_ young." She added sarcastically.

She continued to drag me along, not bothering to wait for more of my refusal. Why was I letting her drag me? Well, who the hell knows for sure, but I'm guessing if I did try to break free from her grasp, she just might then turn around and decide that she could improve my face with her fist. With Sam, that was always a risk.

"So, we're just gonna walk around the park aimlessly?"

She stopped and turned to look at me with a frown. "What's your beef with the park?"

"My beef is not with the park. It's with the people in the park this time of night."

_Could you not think of a better argument than that?_

"You're such a girl." She laughed and continued to pull me along.

When we finally reached the park we'd talked about everything and nothing at all. A whole range of mindless, random, and thankfully safe, topics. Ranging from who the first chick out of high school would be to get knocked up, to this week's latest episode of The Office. It was probably one of the longest, fight free discussions we'd ever had, and it made me feel slightly uneasy at how much I enjoyed it.

We then went on to talk about who would win in a fight, Optimus Prime or Superman, Sam listed off her favourite meats in order of preference and I tried to explain to her why Mac's were better than PC's. That particular conversation didn't last long before she covered her ears and started singing "lalalalalalaaaa" like a petulant five year old.

Silence surrounded us again as we walked with no purpose through the entrance of the park. This should have been uncomfortable; however it was anything but and I found myself thankful for it. The dread from earlier had completely passed and now I was just glad to be able to keep my thoughts in my head and not say something stupid just for the sake of appeasing her.

I snuck a few sideways glances at the girl beside me to gauge her mood. She kept her eyes trained on the ground and every time she smiled at some unknown thought, it would fade quickly. I valued my life too much to ask what she was thinking. I was about to bring the conversation back to our useless ramblings when she finally spoke.

"So, Carly called you recently?" I was a little stunned at her choice of topic.

"Yeah not too long ago. You?"

"Yeah. Few days ago." Sam sighed, sinking her hands into the back pockets of her shorts keeping her eyes on the ground. "She sounds happy." She smiled affectionately at the thought of her best friend before turning her steely blue eyes on me and beaming. "But who wouldn't be surrounded by all those dudes with British accents, right?"

I huffed at her and folded my arms in an act of defiance. "I swear, you say shit like that to me just to see my reaction."

She gave me her signature smirk before climbing on a park bench. She stepped onto the seat and sat down on the back rest. I smirked imagining that she would describe this sitting position as 'the way the cool kids do it'. Sam wasn't one for conformity.

"Sometimes." She finally said, resting her arms on her knees.

I copied her movements and joined her. "You know I'm over all that right?"

She let out a small chuckle. "Yeah. That little virtual life you got going on upstairs begs to differ."

"Funny story. Carly refused my proposal." I spoke before my brain could stop me. I didn't want her to know that.

_Idiot._

As expected she let out a loud cackle clutching her stomach. More for emphasis at my embarrassment than actual laughing pains I guessed. "And that's what made you give up on her?" Sam managed to choke out between laughs.

I turned my head to look out at the dimly lit park in front of us and leant back on my arms. "There are a lot of contributing factors."

She was silent for a while. I could see her giving me a questioning look, it was burning into the side of my face but I never met her gaze.

"Well I don't buy it. You worship Carly, you always have." She turned to look away from me before speaking in an uncharacteristic timid tone. "That's just the way the universe is supposed to be."

I looked over at her, shoulders slightly hunched, blonde curls running wild down her back, teeth grazing her bottom lip deep in thought. I could practically see the wheels in her head turning.

I opened my mouth to respond, to give my best defence and to list the reasons why she was completely wrong. But fear suddenly took over and I just ended up staring at the back of her head. A few minutes passed before I even registered the drastic change in mood. It had happened so abruptly that the air around us became unnaturally still and heavy, even slightly eerie. Almost as if it were a warning sign for what was about to happen next.

"You think it's possible..." She trailed off and let her eyes drop to her feet before continuing. "...for someone to ever look at me like that?"

Is it biologically possible to choke on your own tongue if you're conscious? Because that's what it felt like. Either that or I was choking on my own saliva. Finally, managing some form of composure, I needed her to clarify. "Like what?" I asked, tentatively.

There was a heartbeat of silence. "Like I am their everything?"

I suddenly tensed. This was a whole new kind of awkward. I gathered all the strength in my arms to prevent myself from falling off the back of the park bench flat on my ass. I'd never heard anything more earnest escape her lips, and I'd never seen her look more vulnerable. Ok, maybe once before, but that was years ago and it was nothing compared to how she looked now.

I quickly squashed the thought that this had anything to do with me; it wasn't even in the realms of being a possibility. Sam always hated the way I adored Carly, telling me that it was bordering on stalker-like tendencies with every gift, every note and every respectful thing I ever said or did for her. This had absolutely nothing to do with me. Nor would it have anything to do with any other guy for that matter. It just wasn't her style.

No, this was deeper than that.

I had to choose my words carefully, and if I didn't respond soon this would ultimately turn sour in a matter of seconds.

I repositioned myself in an attempt to keep my voice steady before I spoke. I sucked in a large breath and finally responded "I think anything's possible Sam. If you really _want_ it to happen."

She smacked her lips together and nodded slightly before sitting upright and leaning back on her arms. I relaxed when she didn't respond with some quip about my masculinity or lack thereof. Perhaps this was some kind of turning point for us, maybe things were changing for the better and now we could start to-

"Way to be a sap, Dr. Phil."

-Yeah, maybe not. In one swift movement she stood and jumped down from the bench, heading in the direction of my car. I was left staring at her retreating figure feeling somewhere between relieved and disappointed.

**/**

**A/N: **Every time you leave this story without submitting a review, 1000 baby otters die. I'm lying you say? Well do you really want to risk the lives of all those furry little bundles of joy if I'm not? THINK OF THE BABY OTTERS AND SUBMIT A REVIEW! =]

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

Chapter title comes from the song 'Shimmer' by Fuel.


	4. I'm missing your laugh

**Mega rant-y Emma is mega pissed off:** So FF[dot]net has been acting like a total ass hat. My chapters keep disappearing for some unknown reason. I've contacted support to try and figure out this fuckery but they've yet to get back to me. I really hope it gets sorted soon, or maybe it already has... idk. The other thing they don't let you do is put ? and ! together… WTF is with that? ! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Damn, now I need to lighten the mood… uhhh, RAINBOWS!

**Disclaimer:** If I owned iCarly it would need to be moved over to HBO, because of all the… well yeah, you get the idea.

**/**

**FOUR:**

…_**I hope you're as happy as you're pretending.**_

**/**

Bushwell Plaza's annual roof top 4th of July party. Probably my most favourite day of the entire year; I always looked forward to it. Carly and I would count down the days together every year and spend the whole night in our own bubble, just us, just laughing and talking, watching the night sky light up in full technicolour. In the back of my mind I always thought of it as a kind of 'pre-date'; a practice run for what was to come in the future. I imagined that the moments spent together every year on July 4th would ultimately lead us somewhere, that the romantic undertones that came with watching fireworks together would make her finally see me the way I wanted her to. And I really couldn't help the feeling I had, that this particular July 4th, the last one before we went to college, would be the turning point. The stars would align and everything would just fall into place.

I _really_ hated being wrong.

This year there would be no Carly to laugh with, to talk with or to have rest her head on my shoulder when it got late in the evening, and there would definitely be no special 4th of July broadcast of our web show. No. None of that. This year I'd have to spend my night rehashing my college plans and, of course, the Freddie Benson ten year plan, to all the old ladies in the building who just loved to tussle my hair and pinch my cheeks.

It was humiliating to say the least. They'd been doing it since I'd moved in, and I always thought that perhaps over the years as they watched me grow into a young man that the cooing and bruising of my face would lessen or just stop completely. How stupidly naive of me.

The other dreaded thought that now surfaced was Sam; I'd have to deal with Sam tonight. Sam and her fondness for physical and emotional torment mixed with her intermittent confusing moments of pleasantness.

_Fan-fucking-tastic._

She'd never been to one of these parties before, and honestly, I preferred it that way. It made the alone time I spent with Carly just that much more special and just that much more romantic. I actually never knew the reason why Sam didn't join us, I suspected that Carly had extended invitations to her but she never showed and I never gave it a second thought.

I put that on the proverbial back burner in my mind for now and climbed the last few stairs up to the roof, trying to not let my sullen mood get me down too much. It was 4th of July weekend after all, and there were positives in that; I just had to find them. Stepping out onto the roof everything looked amazing as expected. My mom and Spencer plus a few other tenants had spent the afternoon decorating to make this year the best one yet. They succeeded.

Red, white, and blue lanterns were hung from string, bordering the entire roof top. There were several tables filled with mountains of glorious food, a table dedicated for just sparklers and other mandatory 4th of July paraphernalia, another table just for drinks and punch and candy, plus there was an enormous American flag painted on the far wall. Each star illuminated by a fairy light and each stripe shining with hundreds of the same. Spencer's handy work I guessed. It was pretty spectacular.

I spotted him standing under a garden arch welcoming all the guests, a banner reading, _Happiest of July 4th's to you all!_ attached to the arch just above his head. I inwardly smiled, it was so cheesy.

I made my way over to him to give him my praise on the work he'd put into this evening, but before I could even say anything, he spoke faster than I was able to formulate words.

"Welcome friend! To this year's Bushwell Plaza roof top 4th of July hoopla." He beamed, emphasising each word slowly and spreading his arms wide. "Here is your party bag."

Spencer would forever be a man-child. I smiled at him. "What's in it?"

He snapped out of his trance and whispered in my ear. "I don't know, your mom put them together. I'm afraid to look."

I let out a small chuckle. "Let me guess. Hand sanitiser, a book on removing stains, burn cream and a box of bandages?" My mother might have mellowed considerably, but that didn't mean first aid and cleanliness weren't her top priorities.

Spencer opened up one of the bags and peered inside. "Whoa. That's impressive."

I laughed and took the bag from him making my way over to the table of sparklers to stock up. With a group of young kids to compete with you had to get in early on these kinds of things or you would miss out altogether.

_Damn kids thinking they can have all the fun._

I placed a few boxes of sparklers into the bag and a couple of party poppers when I heard whispers coming from underneath the table. I bent down, lifting the red and white checkered table cloth to find a small girl and a slightly smaller boy huddling under there, no more than eleven I guessed; a bucket of water balloons sitting between them.

"HEY!" The girl screamed at me. "Put the cloth down, we don't want her to find us!"

I frowned and asked quizzically. "Who?"

"Mama. The master of the water balloon." The young boy informed me.

I had to smirk. Sam.

Still holding the cloth in my hand I straightened up and looked around for the blonde in question. I narrowed my eyes and scanned them over all the huddles of people enjoying the festivities. I thought she might have set up her base of operation behind one them but I couldn't spot her.

Just as I was about to turn back to the kids under the table and offer my help in the obvious battle taking place, I saw a flash of blonde along with a streak of red, white, and blue bolting out from behind the wall a few feet away. Sam was donned with an American flag as a makeshift cape fast approaching where I was currently standing.

The kids instantly screamed once getting sight of her and scrambled out from under the table, sprinting in the other direction, almost knocking me over in the process.

"Yeah, you better run!" Sam bellowed, juggling three water balloons and chasing after the two petrified eleven year olds. I noticed a very timid boy running behind her carrying a similar bucket to the one the other kids had, it was filled to the top with balloons, some falling out as the boy tried to keep pace with Sam. I wonder how many threats it took for that kid to cave in to her demands.

I watched as the kids ducked and weaved in and out of the other party goers and watched Sam aim balloon after balloon at them. She got a fair few hits, the kids however weren't so lucky.

"Yeah. How do you jerks like me now?" I heard her taunt just as she had them cornered, she continued to deliver what imagine to be her sharp threats while the girl and boy trembled under her intense blue daggers.

Then out of nowhere a high pitched war cry erupted from behind me. I turned around to see a group of about fifteen kids all at similar ages come thundering around the corner right up to Sam and begin pelting her with their balloons. It was a frenzy of kids and screaming, laughter and water, painted faces and party horns all with Sam standing in the middle. She was giving her best fight but ultimately losing. I expected her to flip out at any second, to scare the kids completely shitless with her murderous rage but she just laughed and screamed with them as they ambushed her. At one point she picked a small boy up by his waist and used him as a shield against the hundreds of water balloons hurtling through the air. He didn't seem to mind, giggling hysterically along with her and the rest of the group.

She looked so playfully mischievous, so completely happy, like she had not a care in the world. Just like the Sam I was used to; as if the last few weeks of roller-coaster emotions and shocking secrets were all in my imagination. I found myself smiling as I watched her laugh and spin in the midst of all the chaos and children. I guess I'd kind of been missing this about her in recent weeks.

I'd seen her like this a thousand times before, perhaps not in the same setting but I'd seen it all the same; in between her insults and aggression Sam was always happy. But it was all different now; just completely and astronomically different. Now it came loaded with a whole new set of thoughts and feelings that rose in me involuntarily.

I couldn't help but wonder just how genuine her smile really was, or if she was as truly happy as she seemed behind all that laughter. Everything had changed, and if it wasn't for Carly's sudden departure, would I have ever seen Sam in this way, thought about her in this new regard at all? My instincts screamed "NO!" before I even had a chance to ponder the idea. No, no I wouldn't have. Before that fateful night, I'd easily be able to brush Sam's behaviour off as just 'Sam' and look the other way, just like I had always done. Now I was in my head way too much, over thinking things relating to Sam way too much, and it was really pissing me off.

I felt the grin on my face plummet and my brows furrow in confusion. I'd seen more intense emotion from Sam in the last five weeks than I had done in nearly ten years, yet here she was pretending as if nothing had happened, pretending that she was fine. Then again, that's Sam for you, she's the master at pretending; at keeping everyone oblivious to what's going on behind her walls. That much I knew.

It all ended a few minutes later in a fit of laughter and several very wet, very overly excited children. Sam lowered the boy to the ground and gave her congratulatory high fives to the group before jabbing a finger at them and shouting "This isn't over!" She then spun on her heel and headed in my direction.

"Fredhead." She greeted me, while examining her now soaking shirt.

It looked like she'd had a fairly heated argument with a garden hose and a flock of suicidal birds. I couldn't help but chuckle at her appearance.

"Have fun?"

She mirrored my smile. "You bet!"

"How long had that been going on?"

"Oh a few hours. Can you believe these kids have _never_ had a water balloon fight before?" She paused, shaking her head disapprovingly. "So deprived."

I kept my smile as Sam brushed past me, making her way behind the wall she'd appeared from earlier. Following her around there, I found an elaborate very 'Sam-like' hang out area all set up.

There were two camper chairs facing out to the balcony, a cooler on the ground filled with drinks, and knowing Sam, an abundance of snacks, a table to the left against the back wall covered with empty water balloon packets as well as a garden hose that appeared to be connected to an unseen water source from around the corner. She also had a table positioned in between the two chairs with an iPod dock resting on top playing soft rock music. It was surrounded by empty packets of sparklers, streamers and party horns, and of course, several empty fatcake wrappers.

I just continued to grin. It was all very 'Sam'.

This particular spot had a pretty great view of the Seattle skyline and I'd put money on Sam having come up here in the early hours of the morning to mark her territory just so she could get the best view of the fireworks that were scheduled for later this evening.

"Nice set up you got here." I finally said, nodding my head in approval.

"Pretty sweet right?" She agreed, turning up the volume on the speakers.

I flopped down into one of the chairs, resting my head on the back looking up at the evening sky letting the music and the soft hum of the party behind us wash over me. I breathed deeply and relaxed sinking further into the chair. Perhaps tonight wouldn't be so bad after all; I just needed to relax and not let-

_Wait, why are there two chairs?_

"Man I'm completely soaked." Sam announced, scrunching up the bottom of her shirt trying to squeeze all the water out.

I lifted my head to look at her and then it happened. One of those things that just seems way too far out of the accepted norm of behaviour that I wasn't really sure if it was actually happening. I barely registered her movements, time seemed to slow and my breathing became shallow.

Sam removed her cape from around her neck carefully laying it out over her chair before lifting her red polo shirt up over her head in one fluid motion, throwing it to the ground carelessly. I could feel my eyes raking over her body and I lacked any ability to stop. Her tiny denim shorts and black tube top clung to her curves like glue, accentuating every womanly feature she now possessed. The ones that I'd only recently notice; the ones that could bring any boy to his knees.

But I wasn't just any boy, and Sam wasn't just any girl.

_This is wrong. So wrong. Deadly wrong._

I just continued to stare, or was this considered ogling now?

Whatever it was, I seemed to be in a catatonic state of mentally deranged leering as she flicked her head over, shaking out her long, wet, blonde curls. She raked her hands through her hair before snapping an elastic band off her wrist and gathering it all on top of her head forming it into a messy, yet completely adorable, bun. She straightened up, tucking a few loose strands into the elastic; I swallowed thickly. I'd never seen her with her hair up like this before, and seeing it now only added to my already dry as the Sahara throat and sweaty palms.

_Get a fucking grip Benson!_

It wasn't right to be thinking about Sam this way, to be looking at her this way, but my imagination ran wild. I'd definitely been watching too much porn, or maybe not watching enough? This was all just misplaced sexual frustration right? Yeah, that's all it was. I'd have the same reaction if it were any other girl.

But it was Sam standing in front of me; wearing very little and looking shockingly similar one of those girls from the wet t-shirt contests I'd seen on TV; thank fuck she wasn't wearing anything white.

A mixture of emotions coursed through my veins, I felt confused, and nauseous, and aroused, and…

_Oh shit no._

I gathered a deep breath, and shifted uncomfortably in my seat, trying to adjust my crotch with as much subtlety as I could muster. I made some embarrassingly strangled groan like sound which made Sam look at me like I'd sprouted another head.

"What?" She questioned, her eyes narrowing in confusion.

_Crap._

I blinked furiously, awkwardly clearing my throat nearly chocking on the thick air. I really needed to stop staring at her and respond. "Nothing." I finally replied, or more like squeaked.

_Smooth._

And it was nothing, absolutely nothing, one hundred percent nothing. Just hormone induced insanity.

_Stupid fucking hormones._

She relaxed her icy blue eyes and gave me a questioning look before turning to get a drink out of the cooler. I took several deep breaths and rubbed my face with both hands in an attempt to rid my mind of the few lingering sordid images that were floating around in there.

When I finally found my cool and refocused my eyes I noticed something on the back of Sam's neck as she was crouching in front of the cooler. From where I was sitting, with my eyes still a little blurry, it looked like a fairly innocent bruise. In a decision that seemed to require no actual thinking, I shot up out of my chair and moved over to her, examining the mark on the back of her neck closely. It almost looked like-

_Is that... no way, a tattoo? When the hell did she get that?_

"What the fuck are you doing?" She snapped, spinning around to face me, our noses just inches apart.

"What is that?" I asked, trying to point to her neck as she slapped my hand away.

"What is what?" Sam tried to play dumb.

In a rare moment of bold confidence or complete insanity, depending on how you look at it, I grabbed Sam by the arm and half spun her around so that I could make my point. Her eyes widened and she gasped in shock, obviously not expecting that kind of reckless act from me and obviously not prepared to retaliate, because she just stood there limply as I held onto her upper arm.

"That. That right there. What is that?" I demanded.

Roughly pointing to the spot on her neck I felt her quiver slightly from the contact of my hand on her. I quickly pushed the thoughts that now surfaced in my mind from that small quiver aside and turned her back around to face me raising my brows; her cheeks flushed lightly pink.

"Well, what does it look like, Einstein?" She said, sarcasm dripping off every word.

"A tattoo?" I hedged. I already knew what it was but for some unknown reason I needed her to confirm it.

"Pretty badass right?" She smirked, breaking free from my grasp.

I frowned. "When did you get that?"

"Oh I don't know. Some time the past." I gave her my best 'I'm not in the mood look' before she huffed dramatically and replied, "About a year ago ok? Jeez."

"Well let me see it."

"What, didn't you already get a good enough look?"

I sighed, letting my own exasperation surface and shot a cold glare her way. She groaned in defeat and turned her back to me. It was black, simple, something written in foreign writing with a date below in roman numerals.

"Well what does it say?"

She spun around and gave me her practiced bored expression. "Nubs are the enemy." She had the audacity to grin at me.

I narrowed my eyes at her with a frown and she rolled her own, plopping down into one of the chairs with a heavy sigh.

"It says 'such is life' in Greek." She mumbled in reply.

"Why Greek?" I queried, dropping myself down into the chair beside her.

"I don't know." She shrugged. "It looked cool. And the dude that did it said hardly anyone ever chooses Greek, so..." She trailed off, opening her can of soda and taking a swig. "What's with all the questions anyway?"

I knew I was pushing my luck, but I just couldn't seem to stop. Ignoring her completely, I continued with what was fast becoming like the Spanish Inquisition. "And the numbers?"

"Just a date." She shrugged, staring intently at the can of soda in her hands.

"Well what significance does March 8th 2004 have?"

"It's just a date." She shot with obvious tones of annoyance.

Still filled with the same boldness mixed with blind insanity from before, and my verbal filter apparently on the fritz, I questioned her again. "It must mean something. Just tell me."

She paused for a while contemplating her answer, pursing her lips and scratching her head. "A new constitution was signed by Iraq's governing council on that day. I think that's pretty important to be documented in tattoo form don't you?"

I rolled my eyes at her. "Why can't you just tell me what it means?" My voice rising in frustration.

"Because it's really none of your business." She spat, slowly emphasising each word, fixing her steely blue eyes on mine in challenge.

Hate washed through me. I'd moved past the point of being just annoyed with her and had entered right into the thick of pissed off. What was this big secret that she just wouldn't share with me? Why did she always do this, always dodge questions and dance around the truth? Why couldn't she just be real with me?

_FUCK THIS!_

I could feel myself rapidly losing control and my face distort into what was likely to be the most menacing glare I'd ever given anyone in my life. I could see that she was becoming even more uncomfortable with my threatening look, but I didn't hesitate, not even slightly.

_What the fuck is your problem Benson?_

After what seemed like an eternity of just staring her down, she finally looked away from me, visibly flustered. I could see her breathing heavily as she focused on the view in front of us.

"Look. I don't know what your freakin problem is tonight, Fredward, but you're not getting an answer that isn't a lie... so just drop it." She spoke low but firm, never locking eyes with mine.

A few seconds passed and her expression changed into something reflecting thoughtful sadness. Instantly my boldness and anger dissipated, quickly replaced by fear and stress. I swallowed back the heavy guilty feeling in my throat and just fidgeted with the can of soda in my lap.

_Where the hell did that come from?_

We sat there, in what was for all intents and purposes, the most awkwardly tense silence of my life. I slumped even further into my chair in the hopes that I could make myself disappear into the ground below, that maybe, just maybe, a black hole would swallow me up right on the spot. I had no idea what to do, much less say and the silence was becoming unbearable. I didn't even register the sound of the music still playing from the iPod next to us until I leant back in the chair and closed my eyes.

I sighed. "I like this song." I felt her head snap up in surprise. "Who sings it?" I lolled my head to the side and opened my eyes lazily to find her quirking an eyebrow at me.

Thinking she wasn't going to respond I nearly told her to forget I said anything, but she broke our eye contact and finally replied, "I'm going to pretend you didn't just ask me that." Pausing for a moment a small smirk played on her lips before she continued. "Remind me to sit you down one day and teach you about this new thing called 'music'. It really is the most nifty thing."

I gave a small laugh in both agreement and relief, glad for once that she was 'Sam' and would rather just forget the last few minutes ever happened than spend the next two hours awkwardly discussing what the fuck my problem was.

"But for the record, and I hope you're taking notes, it's Florence + the Machine."

I nodded, I'd heard Sam play it before. "Kiss with a Fist, right?"

"Yes... thank you Captain Obvious." She smirked before crushing her can of soda under her beat up Converse. "What are you doing back here anyway?" She sighed, leaning back into her chair. "Thought you'd be foaming at the mouth from just the thought of telling all the old timers about the Freddie Benson ten year plan."

"How do you know they'd ask me that?"

"Please." She scoffed. "They live for that shit. An over achieving nerd in their midst. It's probably the closest thing they'll ever get to meeting a celebrity." She stopped and tucked her legs up under her. "Plus they already asked me when I got here."

"Oh? And what did you tell them?"

"To get bent."

"Sam."

She huffed in irritation. "I told them I didn't have one."

"Everyone has some kind of plan, you know."

"Yeah, well I'm not like everyone."

_No shit. Understatement of the year right there._

"So you're saying you don't have a plan... like... at all. Not even a two year plan?" I was stuttering and I'm not even sure why I asked, I already knew the answer to that particular question. I guess I just needed to hear it out loud.

She laughed. "Please, I barely have a two minute plan." She paused, letting her eyes fall back to the sky above us. "Plus, this whole college thing seems very..." She trailed off wrinkling her nose appearing to search for the right word. "Mature?... I'm not sure I can handle that kind of pressure."

I blanched, a little stunned to learn that after being accepted into college she was just going to turn her back on higher education. I knew that Sam wasn't one for learning, but I figured that the privilege of just being accepted would be enough, and it wouldn't require anymore thought or decision making.

"So what, you're not coming to UW with me?" I cringed at my choice of wording. I saw her lips quirk and her mouth open up to reply with what I knew was going to be a poke at my lack of balls but I quickly interrupted her. "Don't!" I jabbed a finger at her for emphasis.

She suppressed her grin and opted for just rolling her eyes at me. "Haven't made up my mind yet."

"Well what would you do instead?"

"Anything. Everything. I could travel the world, hitch-hike my way across the country... or I could stay in Seattle get a job in some kick ass music store before being swept off my feet by some brilliantly gorgeous rock star. Who knows?" She beamed, grinning with excitement at the possibilities.

I processed her words for a second. "Well that's very blasé of you." I swallowed the agitation that rose in me from her vagueness.

"You know me, Benson. I'm living for the journey, not the destination." She smiled proudly at me, impressed with her own insightful motto.

I looked at her in awe and couldn't help but smile back at her satisfied expression. She was so laid-back and indifferent, about almost everything. She didn't over analyse or worry herself sick about where she would be tomorrow, next week, next year. I guess I was actually a little envious of her, which I didn't think was possible. My whole entire life was basically mapped out, from college, to the job I wanted to land, I even knew which house I would share with Carly and our 2.3 children. And as much as I knew I wanted all those things to happen, right now in this very moment, I couldn't for the life of me seem to remember why.

The time to look away from each other and play the moment off casually had long passed, the air grew awkward again, but it wasn't charged with tension this time, it was thick with something else that I couldn't quite place.

I still had my eyes locked with hers when I heard someone scream, "NOW!" from behind the wall. Before either of us had a chance to even register what was happening a bucket load of ice water was emptied on top of our heads, the unexpected shock sending us both to our feet. I spun around spluttering incoherently to find the same boy and girl that were hiding under the table form earlier in absolute hysterics over their little prank.

Sam shot into action, immediately moving around the chairs to grab the garden hose still sitting on the table. I rushed to stand behind her as she aimed it at the kids before uttering, "Any last words?"

The kids stood their ground and returned Sam's defiant stare. Without any warning the rest of the group came tearing around the corner launching balloons and buckets of ice water at the two of us. Sam just cackled as she opened up the hose on them, more laughter and screaming ensued from the group as they got closer and closer completely surrounding us. We were outnumbered and somehow they managed to tackle Sam to the ground and extract the hose from her, or maybe she just wasn't putting up that much of a fight.

I was again entranced by her happiness, smiling to myself, watching her laugh in the middle of all the mayhem.

**/**

**A/N: **What's with all the hate about the baby otter's last chapter? I wasn't threatening to kill them myself (I would never!); in fact I was doing them a service. As were the rest of you saints who reviewed. YOU GET A COOKIE! Anon reviews are now activated, so for all you lurky lurkersons out there who love to lurk you may now review. Bad sex for life if you don't!

If you're interested, here's Sam's tattoo:

όπως είναι η ζωή  
III. VIII. MMIV.

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

Chapter title comes from the song 'The Quiet Screaming (Dashboard Confessional Mix)' by Brand New.


	5. She'll kill me quick

**Noticing this note will make you wanna note: **I do believe that FF[dot]net got their shit together and fixed the problem. However, it would have been nice to get a response or summin... right? Anywhoodle, here's chapter 5 kids. Bucket loads of luff to all those who have taken the time to review and alert. If it weren't for you I wouldn't be updating at all. Like, at all!

**Disclaimer: **If I owned iCarly that entire scene of Freddie and Sam jumping on Carly's bed would have gone in a _whole_ other direction.

**/**

**FIVE:**

_**...someone should be caught and held responsible for this bloody mess.**_

**/**

"It was perfect, Alex is such a gentleman." Carly swooned. I could actually hear the smile she was wearing over the phone and I just knew she'd be twirling a piece of hair around her finger to go with her grin.

We were having one of our weekly extended phone conversations and she'd been yammering on for the last hour about the _"Most amazing first date"_ she'd ever been on with this new beau of hers, Alex... or Alexander as she had said in her best fake British accent. I instantly hated the guy.

_What a douche._

I really wished that hearing her talk about other guys didn't affect me the way it still does, but old habits die hard I guess. After a brief pause, I finally gathered a few positive tones in my voice and suppressed a sigh. "I'm glad you had a good time." Adding in a smile of my own, just for good measure, one that I knew she could hear, just as I'd heard hers. It's much easier to fake a smile when the other person isn't looking right at you.

"I really did!" Carly beamed. "Speaking of good times, tell me, how was July 4th? Did you miss me?"

I chuckled dryly. "Always miss you, Carly." I paused for a second recalling the antics from the roof top party. "But it was a pretty great night in the end. Funniest thing... Sam had this full on water balloon war with the kids in the building and it was total chaos but so much fun to watch, Sam even wore her flag as a cape like a super hero or something, and she had this boy following her around like a slave carrying her bucket of water balloons; I think it's the most fun these bunch of kids have ever had, you know they'd never had a water balloon fight before like ever? Anyway, later on the kids came back and tipped a bucket of ice water over us as payback, then it all just went completely crazy, from there another war broke out and Sam blasted them all with the garden hose and they just pelted us with more water balloons and buckets of ice water completely ambushing us, the whole night was just total chaos and mayh-"

"Freddie?" Carly interrupted me.

"Yeah." I said, letting a loud breath out through my teeth.

"You're rambling." She replied dully.

I shook my head. "Oh. Sorry."

There was an awkward pause before I heard her take in a deep breath. "So you really had a great time then?" Carly trailed off, but didn't give me enough time to formulate an answer before continuing, "With Sam?" She hedged, sounding suspicious and even maybe a little suggestive. I frowned and started pacing around the room rubbing the back of my neck with my free hand.

"_With_ Sam?" I scoffed and laughed... I scolaughed. "Well not exactly, I mean I-I... well... uhh yeah, I-I guess, but I wouldn't say that it was because of Sa-" I suddenly looked up to find myself in the living room and saw my mother all in a tizzy. She was folding up blankets and putting pillows into pillow cases laying them down on the sofa enthusiastically. "Uhh, Carly can you hold on a second?"

"Sure."

"Mom?" She folded a blanket. "Mom?" She fluffed a pillow. "MA!" I screamed in a final attempt to get her attention.

She snapped her head up to me clutching her chest. "Oh! Freddie you scared me. Don't shout like that."

"Ma, what are you doing?" I asked dubiously.

"Just getting the sofa bed all ready." She replied as she fluffed yet another pillow and placed it with the others.

"For who?" I questioned with apprehension. "Oh man, please don't tell me Aunt Linda is visiting again? Because I really don-"

"No, not her." She smiled.

"Well who then?" Just as the words left my mouth there was a knock at the door.

"Would you get the door for me, sweetheart?" My mother sang, continuing to focus on her hospitality skills. I still had the phone attached to my ear as I headed over to the door and swung it open.

Spencer was standing outside my door with a very perplexed Sam clutching at his arm, her backpack and a pillow sitting at her feet. Dread washed over me with what felt like the force of a few hundred tidal waves hitting me all at once.

"Hiya Freddo!" Spencer greeted in a high pitched cheerful tone. It was odd, even for Spencer. I didn't even have time to process all the jumbled thoughts swirling around in my head before Sam began tugging on Spencer's arm trying to pull him away from my door.

"Spencer. Spencer please, I'm begging you." Sam pleaded desperately. "Anywhere else. I'll stay anywhere... I can sleep anywhere. The roof..." Her eyes lit up. "Your car, Socko's porch, his front lawn... anywhere but here! Spencer please!"

"What's going on?" I asked hesitantly, my subconscious already making the obvious assumption but I refused to believe the reality.

Spencer snapped his head back over to me and Sam hung hers, looking very deflated, still clinging to his arm.

"Very long story short, your mom has agreed to house Sam for the weekend. Isn't that great?" Spencer smiled widely at me.

"WHAT?" I gaped, eyes wide in complete disbelief.

_This cannot be happening._

Sam, hearing the distress in my voice, looked over at me and then quickly back to Spencer resuming her plea. "Spencer please, please! I'm 18, I can rent a hotel room! I can survive three days alone... PLEASE!" She was desperate and it was only a matter of minutes before she would ultimately pull out what we've all come to know as the 'Samtrum'.

"Sorry kid, no can do. I'd be doing the same if it were Carly." Sam grunted and released her hold on him with force. Spencer glared at her and rubbed his arm before turning back to me all smiles. "Tell your mom thanks again... and have fun you guys!" He shouted as he waved at us disappearing around the corner out of sight.

My eyes didn't move from where Spencer had vanished, and I couldn't feel my legs. This was a joke, a cruel sick fucking joke and he'd be back any second to laugh and tell me he was just kidding... just yanking my chain... joshing. He'd be back.

_Yep any second now. Ok maybe a minute... ok maybe two._

Time seemed to slow to an unnerving pace and everything around me became blurry. I didn't move, not even an inch, still staring down the hall absentmindedly. If I moved or took my eyes away from the spot where Spencer had disappeared it would make this real, and there was no way in hell I was going to believe that this was real. I was desperate, desperate to wake up from this nightmare or for Spencer to jump out from behind the corner and tell me I'd been Punk'd.

I could hear muffled sounds of someone calling my name but I was too spaced out to register anything other than the now racing heartbeat in my ears and blurry vision. Sam cleared her throat and I slowly turned my head to her, eyes glazed and hooded.

_Sam's here... so that really just happened?_

She looked at me and shrugged before raising her brows and pointing to the phone still in my hand.

_Oh, that's right, I was on the phone._

"Freddie? Freddie? FREDDIE!" I finally registered it as Carly's voice that had been trying to get my attention.

I pulled the phone up to my ear never moving my clouded eyes away from Sam. "Carly. I'm gonna have to call you back." I said flatly, not even waiting for a response before I hung up and dropped my arm back down to my side.

My limbs suddenly felt heavy and my heart just continued to pound in my ears as fear paralysed me. I must have looked completely deranged because Sam was giving me the most peculiar look, she quirked an eyebrow at me and my eyes just bore into hers with a blank expression plastered on my face.

We must have stood there for at least two minutes before my mother broke the uncomfortable moment with a warm hand on my shoulder. "Oh Samantha, you're here." She sounded elated. My mother just loved to entertain, I rolled my eyes at the back of her head as she ushered Sam inside. "Come on in and put your stuff down, I've got all your blankets for the sofa bed over here and a towel for the bathroom, Freddie will show you where it is."

_Fuck me, this is it, this is how I'm going to die._

A million thoughts were all hitting me at once, and the ability to keep up with them was faltering. This was really happening, Sam was here, she would be here for an entire weekend, she would be sharing my bathroom, we would be sharing personal space, I'd have to keep her entertained for three whole days or risk losing a limb, she was going to strangle me in my sleep, forensics would find my head separated from my body, or my mom would find me first...

_Oh hell no!_

My mom wouldn't even be here this weekend as a buffer! She had told me weeks ago about some nursing convention, or whatever the hell it was, that she would be attending in Olympia for an entire weekend. I'd completely forgotten about it until now, until of course my impending doom was standing in my living room being given the Marissa Benson treatment. I must have some kind of massive neon bullseye on my back or a lifetime's worth of bad karma for something I'm not even sure I did because this was just fucking typical, just my fucking luck that Sam needed somewhere to crash for a whole weekend and it just so happened to be _this_ weekend.

_Perfect. Fucking fabulous!_

This whole situation sounded so ridiculous in my head, so ridiculous that even if I were making this scenario up, the gods of logic and order would be laughing their asses off at me for even having such a thought. I just stood in the middle of the room, heavy limbs, hooded eyes, only vaguely listening to my mother babble on to Sam about helping herself and how I would be a good host while she was gone.

_Blah, blah fucking blah._

When I let my brain relax for just a second it was actually kind of funny... no, more like absurd, that my mom trusted me alone in the apartment all weekend with a girl. I didn't think she'd softened _this_ much. I guess that just shows how well she understands my relationship with Sam, or possibly how she doesn't understand it at all. She wasn't alone.

"Shoot, I'm late." My mom announced looking at her watch in a panic. "The number of where I'll be is next to the phone, along with the all the emergency numbers... I don't need to remind you about the rules do I?" She turned to look back at us, picking up her bags in the process.

"No parties, no drugs, no drinking... basically no high risk behaviour. I got it mom." I answered, slightly flustered.

"Good. Now come here and give me a kiss."

I groaned and threw my head back before I trudged over to her dragging my feet on the carpet. I placed a very quick peck on her cheek and she pulled me back before I had the chance to escape. She held onto my shoulders and planted a very mom like kiss on my forehead, she even made that irritating 'mwa' sound as she did it. I just rolled my eyes. "Be safe." She said walking out the door closing it behind her.

I stood there, completely rigid and completely mortified, glaring at the now closed door, almost as if I could pierce a hole right through it. My mom had always taught me to be a kind host, and had informed Sam that I would be hospitable, but this wasn't just any guest in our apartment; it was Sam. Surely the rules of etiquette didn't apply here.

"She's just leaving you here?." Sam said, breaking me away from my task of trying to put a hole in a door using only my brain power. "Leaving you alone all weekend. With a _girl?_" I turned around to raise my brows at her. "Ok fine. She's leaving you here, alone... with me?"

Well at least she's also acutely aware of the insanity of this situation.

"Fucking crazy, right?"

"Uhh, no shit! This is even crazier than when she was an overbearing escaped mental patient control freak." Sam admonished, walking over to the recliner chair and lounging on it, putting her feet over the arm rest.

"So. Why are you here?" I asked sharply.

She stretched out and put her hands behind her head before responding. "Spencer thought it would be such a great idea to make a sculpture out of beef, chicken, pork, fish... pretty much every meat you could possibly think of. And as much as I thought it was the most mouth watering idea he'd ever had, apparently all the rodents in a ten mile radius had the same thought." She paused, shifting in her seat to get even more comfortable. "His apartment is being fumigated, I'm here till Monday."

My eyes widened in horror, it sounded even more ridiculous when she said it out loud. "Oh this... this is bad... this is so very, very bad." I ran my hands over my face with almost enough force to remove a few layers of skin, I could feel the sweat begin to collect on my forehead. "What ex-" I opened my eyes to find Sam no longer lounging on the recliner. Panic. An unsupervised Sam in my house was not a good idea. "Sam?"

"I'm in your room! Going through your stuff. OH! Found your porn!" She sang.

I ran. "What? No. No you coul-" I got to my door a little out of breath and saw that she was just standing in the middle of the room, arms folded eying all my belongings. She just smirked at me.

"Very funny." I sighed, walking into the room taking a quick scan to see if there was anything I absolutely needed to hide.

"Well, I'm sure it wouldn't take me long." She turned and pointed to the drawers next to my bed. "Bottom drawer of your night stand behind your conveniently placed socks that you never wear, right?" I felt my face flush crimson.

_Damn it!_

Sam laughed and continued, "I bet it's also in a file saved as 'Romeo and Juliet Essays' on your computer." She gave me her well practiced amused expression.

I blanched. "No. I do not have a file named Romeo and Juliet Essays." I huffed, or whined... or whatever. Sam just quirked a suspicious eyebrow at me and I sighed shrinking into my perch on the desk. "It's under 'Odyssey Essays'." I muttered.

She smirked in her usual triumphant way and let out a small laugh. "Thought so." She then returned her eyes to the shelves on my walls just by the bed. There was no point in me trying to cover anything up now without her noticing, I was already humiliated, so I just watched as she moved around the room slowly, taking in my displays of pictures, trophies, and other collectables I'd kept over the years. I held my breath waiting for the torment to begin.

"You know I've never seen your room." She finally said, still never tearing her eyes away from her observations. "Well, apart from that time a few weeks ago when I was in here." She paused getting closer to the wall to look at my autographed Star Wars memorabilia. "It's even nerdier than I imagined."

I frowned, a little confused. She'd been imagining it? "Why would you even need to imagine my room?"

She laughed. "Well, when one is planning a particularly brilliant prank involving an extensive arrangement of garden piping along with grape kool-aid, chocolate milk and an army of ants, one needs to think about their stage." She twisted around to give me a huge grin. I just shook my head at her and she turned back to resume her appraisal of my belongings.

It was silent for a while as Sam just continued to stroll around my room at a leisurely pace, arms still folded across her chest as if she were reviewing some important art exhibit or something. I instantly tensed when she got to my dresser. There were several pictures on it, several very personal pictures that I would have preferred her not to see. I didn't make a sound, hoping that she would just breeze right past them and not ask questions.

"A picture of Carly. Why am I not surprised?"

_Yeah, no such fucking luck._

I shrugged. "There's a picture of you too." I said a little too fast and sounding a little too guilty. I don't know why that piece of information was important nor do I have any idea why I felt the need to defend my picture of Carly. I was sure it was pretty obvious there'd be pictures of her in my room. Only two years ago I had a whole closet door dedicated to Carly, and for the first time I was thankful that no longer existed.

"It's a screen cap of us three from an iCarly episode." She added with a scoff, picking up the frame and showing it to me.

I looked at her skeptically. "So? What... you want me to have a picture on my dresser of _just_ you as well?" I blurted before I could gain enough control to stop myself. The question hung in the air like a dead horse and immediately my face began to burn.

For several long and terrifying heartbeats I held my breath. She was either going to start throwing things at me, laugh hysterically, tell me that I was a raging creeper who needed to be put away, or tell me that she was hurt I didn't have one of just her also. The latter being completely impossible but the thought alone was enough to scare me almost within an inch of my life.

Sam stood still for a moment probably enjoying my discomfort before she put the picture back on the dresser and broke the silence, ignoring my question completely. "Is this your dad?"

I exhaled, finally letting go of my breath. "Yeah."

Sam nodded. "You look like him." Her voice was soft and thoughtful. She took a long pause then continued. "You don't talk about him. Why?"

The air in the room was so heavy I felt like I couldn't breathe. Sam had never asked or been interested in anything to do with my personal life before. Ok, so a situation such as this had never presented itself before either, but still, the option was there had see been curious. This was brand new territory for us, she wanted to know personal information about me, Freddie, about my life, and apparently I was willing to share it with her.

"What's there to talk about really? He couldn't handle my mother so they divorced when I was seven." I finally replied with a shrug.

She turned to me with a soft expression. "Was that hard for you?"

"At first. But it's ok now I guess. It wasn't a messy divorce. I see him fairly regularly."

"That's good. That you're still able to maintain a relationship with him." She mumbled, placing her hands in the back pockets of her jeans and dropping her eyes to her feet. She looked nearly... upset? Almost the same look she had the night Carly left. It was as if this particular topic harboured some deep forgotten emotions that she didn't like to think about.

_Typical._

Something had happened with her father, that much was obvious. Carly had told me that Sam's dad was no longer around and that was pretty much the end of that conversation, I didn't ask any questions, and up until now I'd never thought about it again. Now, a million different possibilities ran through my mind, but I couldn't just throw them at her and expect a good outcome. _"You know you can't force it with Sam. If she wants to tell you something she will, on her own terms." _Spencer's advice of a few weeks ago replayed in my head, I had to be tactful. This was a rare moment of civility between us and perhaps this was the time that she would finally open up to me... even if it was only an inch I was sure this was my green light.

_Breathe Benson, just fucking breathe._

"What about your dad Sam?" I asked softly, tentatively. "You don't mention him, either."

Her eyes met mine again and I tensed as I waited for her response. Just over a month ago and I would never have asked a question like that, nor would I have been more hopeful for a reply had I even had the balls to ask. It was only fair right? I'd shared with her now it was her turn.

She swallowed thickly and looked away from me taking a long pause. "So. What have you got to eat around here?" She chirped, clapping her hands together and practically skipping out the door.

"_Sam doesn't play fair."_ I reminded myself. I swallowed my irritation at her inability to open up to me yet again. It could have been worse, and as much as I stupidly expected a different answer from her, I could have also been face down tasting the carpet right now. Instead, I still had all my legs intact to follow her out to the kitchen.

* * *

"Favourite song?"

I have no idea how long we'd been playing this game of throwing random and ridiculous questions at each other, I don't even know how it started, but Sam had managed to turn it into something of contest, making me fully aware of just how lame all my answers were.

After a surprisingly tasty chicken caesar salad fixed by Sam herself, we'd made our way to the couch, Sam lying upside down with her legs over the back rest and me on the floor resting against the seat of the couch. Finding nothing worthy of interest on TV, Sam began a round of 'This or That' which turned into her own warped version of 'Twenty Questions', It wasn't exactly clear what rules applied, so I just followed her lead... she was always calling the shots anyway.

"I have like a hundred. That's a stupid question." She said with a scoff.

"Ok then, favourite music artist?"

"Brand New."

I turned to look at her, her face now very pink from all the blood rushing to her head. I smiled. "Have I heard them before?"

She let out a frustrated sigh. "Yes. I've tried to educate you on the better music of the world Benson, but you seem to be a complete bone head when it comes to learning what's good for you." She shifted, changing her position so that her legs were now behind my head and she lounged on her back, obviously the feeling of all that blood in one end of her body becoming too much. "How did you manage to get that scholarship to UW again?"

"Is that your question?" I grinned at her.

She sat up sharply, eyes wide with her own cheesy grin. "Is that yours?"

I could have kept it going, but I knew Sam would never back down and I didn't want to waste the next six hours going back and forth with "_Is that yours?" "Well is that yours?"_ before I inevitably gave up and declared her the winner anyway. I silently admitted defeat, laughed warmly and let my head fall back to the couch as Sam dropped onto her back again with her own small chuckle over yet another victory. I kept my eyes to the ceiling and let the comfortable silence rest between us. It took me a few minutes to realise my head was actually resting on Sam's leg just above her knee, my immediate instinct was to jerk my head up and apologise but she didn't seem to notice and hadn't put me in a headlock yet, so for some confusing reason I didn't move.

Her voice finally broke through the silence, "Flora or Fauna?"

"Fauna. You?"

"Flowers are for sissies."

I smiled.

"Love at first sight or love that sneaks up on you?"

My eyes shot up automatically in surprise, but she didn't move an inch, keeping her focus on the ceiling. The question seemed to linger in the air for a minute while my heartbeat took up residence in my ears again and I tried my hardest to think clearly and rationally about what exactly she'd just asked me. Sam already knew the answer to that, right? She was even there the day that it had happened for me, so why ask such a thing? Was it simply because she wanted to mock me some more?

Maybe it was the calm manner in which she had posed the question, because something felt different, so I decided to just let it slide. "Love at first sight, of course."

She looked down at me and rolled her eyes. "Surprise, surprise."

"What? You don't believe in it?" I raised my brows in question.

"It's an inherently flawed notion." She replied flatly, examining a piece of hair as she ran her fingers through the ends.

"How so?"

She huffed in irritation. "How can you know you're in love with someone just by looking at them?" She waited for me to answer; instead I just looked at her. I knew she wasn't finished. "The connection and even the affection you feel for someone grows over time. There is _no way_ you can feel like that in just one instant. It's total bullshit and completely superficial..." She trailed off before continuing, "Not to mention cliché and delusional."

I almost glared at her for a second, unsure why this revelation felt like a new development, this _was_ Sam after all.

"It's not delusional," I finally said. "It's romantic. And it can happen for some people... it _has_ happened." I paused trying to gauge her reaction, she remained still. "Everyone is looking for that you know? That deep, safe connection with another person that just hits you the moment you look at them."

"Well then I pity them. Because it's not real. And besides, it's only the nubs and deluded saps such as yourself that are looking for that crap." She added looking back at me with a sarcastic smile.

"Ok then Yoda, enlighten me. What love is real? What type are _you_ looking for?"

Sam propped herself up on her elbow so I could see her serious expression, obviously helping to make her point valid. "That's easy Luke. I'm looking for the thrills and I'm in it for the ride. I don't want everything to add up to some perfect equation. I want mess and chaos; I want someone to go bat shit crazy out of his mind for me. I want to feel passion and heat and madness. And as impossible as that might sound to a sap like you, I take no exceptions." She finished with an air of finality, plopping back down with a heavy sigh.

Of course that's what Sam was looking for, her life _was_ mess and chaos... and she was always searching for those elusive thrills. I guess she did have a point though; love at first sight has its flaws. Hell I should know, love at first sight doesn't mean that the person you fall in love with loves you back instantaneously. But I wasn't about to let one, somewhat insightful, rant from Sam Puckett squash my whole belief system. I wouldn't let-

_Wait. Did she just join in a Star Wars reference?_

"Did you just call me Luke?" I asked with an incredulous laugh.

"What?"

"You heard me." I was grinning like an idiot and she just kept her bored expression. "You did! You so did. Sam Puckett just referenced Star Wars." I was laughing uncontrollably now. "I don't believe it. This is-"

She put her foot under my chin before glaring at me and threatened, "Utter one more word and I'll choke you." It didn't have the same heat behind it that normally came with a threat from Sam but I did the universal sign for keeping my mouth shut and she released her hold around my neck. I relaxed but couldn't help the smile that plastered itself back onto my face.

This was such an unfamiliar and newly developed thing that happened between us. The light hearted banter was a nice change from our norm. Something seemed to just click when the insults and generally hostile feelings we had towards each other eased up a bit and we both focused on something. It was unexplainable, and it was so fleeting that it was hard to realise it was even happening most of the time. It just happened. If we could continue like this perhaps the next three days wouldn't be so bad after all. I exhaled loudly as that thought brought a wave of calm over me.

"I'm bored." Sam whined, breaking me away from my train of thought.

"We could watch a movie."

"Or I could give you a haircut." She grinned widely at me.

I laughed. "Good one."

Her brow furrowed with confusion. "What?"

"I thought you were joking."

"Well let me clarify." She paused, only for effect I imagined. "I'm not joking." She deadpanned.

I let out an incredulous scoff. "No way am I letting you anywhere near me with sharp impaling objects!" I flailed my arms about for emphasis.

"Oh come on Fredlumps. I could totally make this mop into a totally bitchin' James Dean look." Before I knew it, she sat up putting her legs either side of me and slid a hand through my hair. "The girls would go crazy." She put another hand through it before I could manage to swat her away.

_What the fuck?_

It was crazy, complete twilight zone crazy... another planet crazy. She shouldn't be doing that. She _really _shouldn't be doing that, and I shouldn't be letting her. But for some inexplicable reason I was enjoying it, like I wouldn't mind if she wanted to run her hands through my hair all day. I felt myself relax and my eyes flutter closed as she continued to gently drag her warm hands through my hair, every so often grazing my scalp with her nails. Her voice became muffled as I relaxed further, something about different styling methods and products I should purchase... or... something. It really didn't matter at this point. After a few more enjoyable minutes, in some crevice of my brain I registered Sam asking me a question and the silence that followed as she waited for me to respond.

_Time for coherent words Benson._

I opened my mouth to reply but instead I let out a very audible very pleasurable moan.

_Shit._

Suddenly I felt my head fall back with a small thud, my eyes flew open and I darted them around the room to see Sam heading, or more like storming, off to the bathroom with her backpack.

_Nice going dip-shit._

Was I supposed follow her and explain what just happened? I don't even know what just happened. I'd need a ball park full of trained professional psychiatrists to explain what just happened myself, let alone her. Besides, Sam would act like it was nothing anyway, and I wasn't about to challenge that. Sam was an expert at the forgetting and ignoring part, and I was quite happy to play along and not alter that formula, in this instance anyway.

But was this still _really_ nothing? Something had just happened, obviously, and it was all new and more confusing that I'd like to admit. Why was she behaving like that, touching me like that... without inflicting some kind of physical abuse, and why was I enjoying it?

**/**

**A/N: **1,866 visitors and only 70 reviews? Wow you people really don't care about your sex life. How do I know how many of you there are you ask? Well that's the nifty power I have. I know all about you, ya huh, I know your pen names, your real names, your address... and what you had for breakfast this morning. Oh yeah, I do, yeop. Don't want me to use all that information for evil purposes? Then review. xD

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

Chapter title comes from the song 'Sudden Death in Carolina' by Brand New.


	6. The chemicals between us

**The importance of notes: **I try to reply to all my reviewers but I've been pretty slack lately. I will get around to it I promise. But just for now I'll say a big group thank you, thank you so very very much! So... how does everyone like their clichés? Full of cleesh? Well hold onto your hats kids, because here it goes.

**Disclaimer:** If I owned iCarly we wouldn't have to wait weeks for a new episode, or have to put up with any Cruddie moments. Ew.

**/**

**SIX:**

_**...the walls that lie between us.**_

**/**

Feeling awkward in your own house sucks. No, it more than sucks, it blows. In fact, as scientifically impossible as it may be it actually sucks and blows at the same time. I must have spent at least a good hour and a half pacing in my living room trying to put a hole in the carpet; if nothing else. All the while mentally going back and forth with indecision over how to handle what had happened with Sam.

The incessant questions just wouldn't stop. I was driving myself crazy. Was I supposed to stay and talk about it? She wouldn't want to address it; that was obvious, so I would have to be out of my mind to consider that as an option. Should I stay and pretend it was nothing? Well, that would have just been too awkward to bear; I needed separation and time away from this. But what if I waited till she emerged just to gauge her mood before I made my decision about how to handle it? That just seemed far too pathetic.

_For fuck sake!_

I'm sure if I were to voice all of this to a therapist she'd have me in a straight jacket being hauled off to the local nut house before I could even say 'Samantha Puckett is a menace to society'. No question.

Anger, fear, hate, curiosity, annoyance. Probably the most ridiculous combination of feelings to ever come over me all at once, and all in a very short space of time. I was so angry at her ability to just switch on and off the way she did, I feared the ridicule she would hit me with for being a 'horny teenage perve' if she spoke of it at all, and I hated that she was making me feel like this; making me feel so confused and so uncomfortable in my own house.

_I've had enough of this shit!_

Then there was this new foreign emotion when it came to Sam; curious. Sam was in my bathroom after all, using my shower. My hormones were already having some kind of mental break down inside me, and I couldn't help where my mind wandered to as soon as I registered a wet, naked girl in my shower. But again, it wasn't just any girl; it was Sam.

_Why the fuck did it have to be Sam?_

I'd had my fair share of fantasies about wet, naked girls in my shower many times, granted, I was always in there with said wet, naked girl, but that was just fantasy. I'd always thought that if a girl ever needed to use my shower for whatever reason it would be Carly, never had I ever imagined Sam being the first. Someone upstairs must be sitting back and just laughing their asses off at all my misfortunes of late, enjoying it thoroughly. Kind of sounds like something Sam would do, but was just too baffling to even contemplate.

All of that mess lead to annoyance. I was annoyed at feeling so confused about everything, annoyed at her for being so dismissive, annoyed at her for being in my shower, annoyed at her for just being _her_ and just being _here..._ causing this whole shit storm. Just. Plain. Fucking. Annoyed!

She was obviously taking her sweet time in the bathroom, so she could stew and plot her revenge and ignore whatever it was that had happened. She would emerge whenever the hell she felt like it and either berate me or pretend I didn't exist. Either one of those options didn't sit well with me so I gave up trying to decide on a clear path. In the end, I just opted for isolation. I set up the sofa bed and exiled myself to my bedroom. I was exiled, in my own house.

_Bullshit. Total bullshit._

I tried to keep busy, but when you have a possible seething Sam Puckett just one door away, it makes focusing on anything else near impossible. Not only could I hear her out there moving around, changing the channels, getting food, and just being her regular irritating self; I could also practically feel her. I could feel her through my door all 'Sam' and high and mighty, having the time of her freakin life with _my _TV, while I was stuck in my bedroom to sift through the mess that she'd created in my head.

Consideration had never been a strong point for Sam, in fact, having that word and Sam in the same sentence is an oxymoron in itself. That particular quality was lost on her, last night being a perfect example. It was almost as if she was making as much noise as possible just to piss me off, just to make a point. Didn't surprise me.

She'd watched hours of loud TV, constantly flipping the channels, and had pretty much cleared out my entire fridge; finally giving into sleep and settling down at around 3am. I wasn't accustomed to staying up that late, but how the hell was I supposed to sleep with... with all _that_ going on in my living room? When I did finally manage to get some sleep it was broken and agitated; a mixture between a fear of being strangled and the same lingering annoyance that just wouldn't vanish.

So here I was standing in the middle of my room again pacing... thinking... brooding... fuming. Afraid to go into my own kitchen, afraid because Sam was here, afraid that I might wake her, afraid that she might want to talk about the incident, afraid that she might not, afraid that she might poke fun at my fragile teenage hormones. I felt pathetic.

I held onto the door handle and hung my head. I sucked in a large breath before yanking the door open with force; walking out with renewed confidence. Ok, so it was totally false bravado but still, I had to give myself props for being able to fake anything resembling composure at this point.

Walking out into the living room I could hear Sam's deep steady breathing and sighed in relief, knowing that she was still asleep. I walked by the sofa and peered over the back hesitantly. Sam was flat out on her stomach, arms and legs sprawled out all over the mattress, taking advantage of all the space she could possibly occupy at one time. She looked oddly charming with a small smirk on her face, and it was... refreshing seeing her like that, seeing her look so peaceful. Blonde curls fanned out all over the pillow, plus she had this whole tousled look going on, which was kind of–

She grunted and I ran for the kitchen quickly making myself busy with breakfast preparations. I was shocked to find the pound of bacon still in the fridge unharmed so I set to work on bacon and eggs. I placed them on the counter before grabbing a pan out of the cupboard and putting it on the stove. I'd barely even turned the stove on before Sam grumbled from over on the sofa bed, her voice muffled by the pillow she had her face buried in.

"Unless you're making a pot of coffee bigger than your head, could you keep it the fuck down over there?"

I leaned on the counter to shout back at her. "It's almost noon, don't you think you should get your lazy ass up?" I snapped and she just groaned at the sound of my voice. "I'm making breakfast." I knew that would get her attention.

She immediately shot up, peering over the back of the sofa, her hair in disarray and her face all scrunched still half asleep. "Breakfast? What are you making?"

"Bacon and eggs."

"Well why didn't you say that in the first place?" She chirped, launching herself over the back of the sofa sauntering up to the counter and plopping in a seat. "Coffee, black, Jeeves." She grinned.

I poured her coffee and went back to the task at hand, rolling my eyes in the process. It was silent for a while and I could feel her eyes glaring at the back of my head as I made _her_ food.

I spun around. "What?"

She looked at the stove and then up at me wryly. "You're doing it wrong."

I huffed angrily. "How exactly am I doing it wrong?"

"I don't know... you just are." She shrugged and took a sip of her coffee.

I glared at her for a minute. "You know you could say thank you."

She raised her brows. "For?"

"Oh I don't know, how about setting up _your_ bed. Or making _your_ food... or just putting up with you in general." I said harshly, pointing the spatula at her for emphasis, feeling completely ridiculous as I did it.

_Loser._

She pursed her lips before responding with a pop. "Well, don't hold your breath."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head and just let the silence permeate. I could feel my exasperation building and I knew if I continued to engage in any kind of verbal communication, I would just lose it. So instead I scowled at the bacon in the pan as I watched it cook.

_Ignorant fucking inanimate bacon._

There were a few groans from behind me and even a few tsk's as I moved the bacon around the pan without enthusiasm. I completely ignored her, focusing intently on trying to steady my breathing and not beat her across the head repeatedly with the spatula. A few minutes passed and I heard Sam get up from the chair with a groan and move over to stand beside me.

"Oh my god, I can't take it anymore! Here, give me it." She snapped, trying to shove me out of the way.

"What the hell are you doing?" I asked indignantly.

"Let me handle this. Go sit down before you hurt yourself." She pushed.

"I am perfectly capable of making bacon and eggs." I replied, giving her my own shove.

"No you're really not, now give it here." She retorted forcefully, her hand now covering mine holding the pan.

I tried to elbow her away. "Stop it!"

Sam continued to shove and elbow and kick and... everything else she usually did, attempting to pry the spatula away from me, her death grip almost making me drop it on the floor. I raised it above my head using my newly discovered height advantage against her. She continued to struggle against me, reaching right up and standing on her toes; getting way too far into my personal space. Her disheveled bed hair was now all up in my face and under my nose, her tiny boxer shorts that left little to the imagination falling low on her hips and her old worn out 'Cheese is Love' t-shirt lifted up to reveal her stomach ever so slightly.

"Just. Give. It." She said sternly.

"No Sam quit it!" I yelled, fighting against her.

"Would you just..."

"Sam quit..."

"...gimmie it."

"...grabbing me! Just stop! Just stop ok?" I bellowed.

My pulse was pounding. Fury was filling my body and I had an overwhelming ungentlemanly desire to scream in her face until she just left me the hell alone. Sam quickly retreated backwards, obviously not expecting such hostility from me.

"I was only-"

"I don't need your help." I cut her off and turned back to the stove, unable to look at her anymore. "Just leave me alone."

I could feel the disbelief radiating off her and swirling through the air. I'd crossed the line, I'd actually scared Sam Puckett for probably the first time in history, and I didn't even seem to care. She was the ungrateful, rude, selfish and immature one. I had every right to be pissed at her.

_Yeah, sure._

She just stood there and glared at me, arms folded, eyes burning a hole into the side of my face. I was about ready to just throw everything into the sink and be done with it, I'd happily exile myself back to my room starving for the next two days than have to put up with anymore of her crap... any more of _this _crap. But she finally resigned her glare and went back to the sofa with her coffee, I breathed a sigh of relief, frustration and annoyance all at once.

This was horrible. Just one giant, horribly fucked up situation, and there was no way out of it. I plated up the food and decided to just leave hers on the bench. I'm sure her acutely trained nose would follow the smell eventually. I took mine back to my bedroom feeling completely miserable. I really needed to just not be around her for a while.

_Pussy!_

The relief that I got from my empty and completely Sam-less room didn't do much against the rapidly building guilt I felt. God I was so sick of feeling guilty all the time, guilty and confused. She was the one causing all of this... _this, _why should I feel guilty about anything? I tried to reject the feeling, desperately. I even went so far as to punching a pillow several times, which only proved to be a quick fix. The guilt remained, and so did the annoyance which then only lead to more confusion.

_FUCK! I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore._

I really didn't want to be in here, but where else could I go? I was trapped and I needed a distraction. I thought about what would be able to captivate my mind the most. Immediately, shower time with 'Little Freddie' seemed like a great idea.

It was a massive fucking mistake.

Sam.

As I let the water run over my face and closed my eyes.

All I could see was Sam.

Sam and her blonde hair, smirking at me in that equally infuriating and endearing way she always does, royally pissing me off. I hit the wall a few times in an attempt to change the image in my head as quickly as possible. It took a couple of minutes, and even then, my regular Megan Fox didn't make a visit, so I had to settle for some nameless, faceless brunette... whoever the hell she was, at least she wasn't blonde.

I left the bathroom some time later, feeling relaxed and slightly more clear headed. That was, until I heard Sam laughing on the phone in the living room. I shook my head as I walked into my room, slamming the door with a little too much force. I think I actually heard something snap.

_Nice job ace._

It was only a little after two o'clock by this time, and I spent the next few hours on the iCarly website, before having a very detailed, and thankfully, distracting conversation with my other AV enthusiast friends online. Of course when that ended everything that had transpired in the last two days came crashing around me.

I threw my hands through my hair in frustration repeatedly as I leaned over my desk. I couldn't continue living like this. One of us was going to have to break the tension and it certainly wasn't going to be her. When I finally got the balls to get up from the desk and walk over to the door, I was still uneasy about giving in to her bullshit, but once I got out into the hall I found it wasn't hard, never as hard as I had envisioned it would be.

I half expected to hear the TV blaring but it was fairly quiet, when I rounded the corner I saw Sam standing in the living room pulling cards and money out of her wallet and placing them in the back pockets of her jeans. She was wearing insanely tight black jeans paired with her vintage 'The Clash' t-shirt... she was dressed up... to go out.

"You heading out?" I asked nervously, burying my hands in pockets.

"Yep." Sam replied abruptly, never looking up at me.

"Oh. Where ahh... where you going?"

"Matt called. There's a party at some apartment downtown."

"Matt?" I questioned with a tone of confusion.

"Matt Price."

My body tensed. "Matt Price?" I felt anger start to well up inside me again. "That douche from history class?"

"That's the one." She smirked.

"I didn't even know you were friends." I said slowly trying to calm myself. I waited for Sam to respond instead she just shrugged and continued to gather her things. I inhaled sharply and decided to just lay it all out. "Look, about before-"

"It's fine." She cut me off firmly.

"No... it's not. I just wanted to say-"

Again she cut me off. "Seriously, don't worry about it."

My eyes widened in surprise. "You're serious?"

She sighed. "I guess. I mean... you know, you've actually been doing that a lot lately. And I get it; I do. You've obviously got some serious shit going down and Carly isn't here to listen to your PMS-ing, so I get it, ok. It's fine." Of course she would throw in an insult during a semi-sincere moment. I couldn't tell if she was completely serious or not but I laughed dryly anyway. "In fact. Why don't you come to the party? You're in desperate need of some fun."

"You want me to come?" I frowned as she opened the door.

She paused and turned her signature smirk on me. "Well, I didn't say _that_."

* * *

The party was as cliché as any post high school summer bash you'd expect. The house was ridiculously ostentatious, marble bench tops, high priced entertainment systems; all of that junk to make me sufficiently jealous. I couldn't see Sam anywhere over the crowds of teenage bodies dancing, drinking, making out in corners. I simply stood by the staircase sipping my coke, regretting I even agreed to this kind of lunacy, it just wasn't me.

Feeling like a complete loner and far too out of my element to get any kind of pleasure from this atmosphere, I scanned my eyes over the sea of bodies trying to spot Sam and tell her I was leaving. I hoped that when I found her she would be inebriated enough to quietly follow me out of here and not kick up a fuss, I just had to find her. I was about ready to try my luck at calling her when I felt a warm hand grab me by the arm and whisper in my ear.

"Hey Freddie." Said a velvety, mysterious voice.

Calm washed over me as her cool breath tickled my neck. The voice was familiar, but at the same time new, and I closed my eyes as she continued.

"Want to come upstairs?"

I didn't even get a chance to respond before she was dragging me up to the second floor. I didn't resist nor did I open my eyes, I just let her guide me up the stairs down the hall and into an empty bedroom. I finally opened my eyes and glanced around, it was too dark to make out anything specific and I was too wrapped up in trying to get a look at the girl standing by the door. I could only make out her fair skin which contrasted with the darkness of the room and her long, straight, dark brown hair. She didn't speak and the air became palpable. I opened my mouth but no sound came out, I tried again but nothing. Seeing this, the girl giggled shyly before moving over to me slowly, deftly, placing her arms around my neck and connecting her lips with mine.

I didn't respond right away, shock taking over my system completely, but she continued to move her lips against my stagnant ones. She pulled away and smiled widely at me, it was then that the familiarity of her swept over me. She reminded me of Carly. Her warmth and her kindness radiated off her, causing my breath to catch in my throat.

I smiled back at her and she pushed me down onto the bed, straddling me. I reached up to the back of her neck and pulled her down to me, kissing her urgently. It was panicked and intense and I was enjoying every single moment. I didn't know who this girl was, I didn't even know her name, yet here I was alone in a dark room making out with her. It was euphoric.

My hands trailed up her back as she dragged hers through my hair. Every cell in my body felt drawn to her, fiercely connected to her, and completely aroused. I gently moved a stray blonde curl away from her face before I lifted her shirt up over her head.

_Blonde? Wasn't it dark brown before?_

She hummed with desire as I cupped her firm breast, massaging it and softly pinching the exposed skin. I was amazed with my own prowess and the nerves that I always thought would come with a situation like this were completely absent. I knew exactly what to do and there was no uncertainty about anything.

There was major electricity passing between us and I knew where this grope fest would ultimately lead. I was going to lose my virginity to some random girl at some random party... and I'd never felt more alive. The thought alone caused me to moan into her mouth as I traced my hands up her skirt, giving her ass a firm squeeze. She bunched the front of my shirt with her hands and wrenched it open, buttons flying all over the room. She then went to work on my neck kissing down my chest all the while grinding herself against my pulsating erection. "Mmmm Sam." I moaned.

_Sam? SAM!_

I jerked awake, sitting completely upright, sweat dripping off me. Everything was burning and my heart was pounding in my ears.

_What the fuck just happened?_

I was completely disorientated and it took me a few minutes to get back to reality, I looked over at the clock, 2.14am. I rubbed my head a few times to collect my jumbled thoughts.

I didn't go to the party, I'd just dropped Sam off, came back home and passed out. The exhaustion from the last two days catching up with me.

My mouth felt like I'd been sipping on acid so I staggered across the room and out to the kitchen for some much needed refreshment. I downed one glass of water before filling up again and resting my head against the cool fridge. Everything was kind of a blur. As I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing, I remembered the dream. It was different to the others I'd had before and I couldn't make sense of it. My previous dreams had always started and ended with the same girl, Sam being the exception. Whenever I had some terrifyingly confused dream about her it would end abruptly, just like it had tonight.

_What the fuck is going on?_

I gave up with a sigh and headed back to my bedroom when I heard a click followed by a thump coming from the hall. It happened again, then silence. I walked over to the door and opened it cautiously.

There was Sam slumped against the opposite wall legs sprawled out, clutching a bottle of something in a brown paper bag. She looked the epitome of classy.

"Heeeeeeeeeey. You got the door opennnn!" Sam cheered.

My dulled senses registered that she was drunk.

"Sam?" I questioned like an idiot. I knew it was her, but apparently my brain filter hadn't quite kicked in. I was still kind of dazed.

"No, I'm the Sultan of Brunei!" She sang, spreading her arms wide before giggling to herself like a preschooler.

I watched as she tried to gather herself on her feet. It took her a few tries but she managed to get there using the wall as support. She turned and looked at me with a dopey smile before half stomping and half stumbling into the apartment.

"Sumfin smells weeeeeeeeird in ere." Sam lost her balance and fell to her hands and knees. She took a few seconds to steady herself before using the couch to pull herself up. "Isit beets?" She tripped again, this time resigning herself to the floor. "Ok!" She screamed to the carpet. "Couldja tell tha tattooed beeerded beet smellin freaky ass carny in tha corner to slow the ride down or ima puke all up in heeeere."

Ok, she was more like completely shit faced.

"Sam." I stood her up and grabbed her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at me. Her eyes were bloodshot and completely glazed over; there was no way I'd be able to get any sense out of her. "You're drunk."

"Oooooh, nice obs... obs... observashionism Freds." She slurred and then giggled again. I would've laughed as well, purely because her laugh was contagious, had I not been holding my breath from the rank odor pouring out of her. She'd been smoking too. Her eyes were rolling around in her head as she tried to speak. "Can... can... canya get off me now so I can go puke?" She asked all woozy, her head swaying back and forth. I instantly let go of her shoulders and watched her run, looking like a ball in a pinball machine, bumping into everything in her path several times before making it to the bathroom, thankfully just in time.

I waited in the living room for her to emerge, trying not to listen to the lurching going on, but that was impossible. I started to feel slightly nauseous myself after a while, being the sympathetic vomiter that I was. It lasted for about ten minutes before it became oddly quiet, I figured she'd just passed out on the bathroom floor.

I sighed and ran my hands through my hair, I was going to have to pry her off the bathroom floor.

_Damn it._

To my surprise I found that she wasn't in the bathroom at all. No, she was actually in my bedroom, in _my_ bed.

_Fucking fabulous!_

I was left standing at my door for quite some time, very tired, very confused and at a loss of what to do. There was no way I was going to sleep in the same bed as her, I was just going to kindly tell her to get out or I'd remove her myself if she was still too juiced to hold herself upright.

"Sam?" I nudged her shoulder. "Sam?"

"Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh."

"You're in my bed, Sam."

She kept her face buried in the pillow and mumbled something about the sofa bed feeling like you were sleeping on a sidewalk and she was more comfortable here anyway. That was pretty much the gist, I think I caught something about a purple elephant in there too, but I guessed that was complete nonsense.

I just stood over her, making odd gestures with my arms and rubbing the back of my neck with frustration and indecision. Exhaustion was taking over and I gave up trying to find a solution to the current problem. With a heavy sigh I climbed into bed and moved as far away from Sam as I possibly could. She groaned and twisted around to face me. I froze as her intense blue gaze pretty much made my balls crawl back up into my body, because even when intoxicated, I knew she could still kick my ass if she really wanted to.

"Sam. Are you going to kill me?" I tried not to make it sound too strangled, but I failed miserably.

"Why woulda kill you?" She was still slurring her words. I didn't really know how to respond to that so instead I just rolled onto my back and looked at the ceiling. Sam giggled and put her head down further into the pillow and scooted closer to me. "I don hate you Freds." She whispered with her eyes closed.

This went against all the laws of nature, if it continued I was sure that the space time continuum would erupt in a brilliant display, destroying the entire universe... or something. Sure she was drunk out of her mind and probably had no idea what she was doing but Sam Puckett was practically snuggling up to me, apparently didn't hate me like I thought, and as far as I could tell she wasn't about to strangle me.

_Mayday... abort, abort!_

I breathed deeply and tried to think of a way to... to...

I could feel sleep slowly overtaking me as everything just kind of settled, or maybe I just started to ignore the awkwardness of the situation by giving in to my exhaustion. I was in that suspended non-sleep phase where you're not quite sure what's a dream and what's reality, when Sam stirred.

"Freddie." She paused. "Don tell Carly I got drunk." She mumbled groggily.

I kept my eyes closed and just replied in agreement with a drowsy groan.

**/**

**A/N: **Review if you loved it, review if you hated it, I really don't mind. But when you review could answer me this: "Do you have any theories as to where this is going?" Yes that's right, I'm giving you an assignment. Don't ya just love it?

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

**Pimping shout outs: **Earl of Sandwich and Axel100 your theories and reviews are legend. Please keep 'em coming!

Chapter title comes from the song 'The Chemicals Between Us' by Bush.


	7. I just wanna break you down

**Heed to the note:** WOW. I am so completely blown away at how well this story is being received by everyone. I'm usually a pretty wordy person (just look at my chapters) but I'm at a loss as to how to express my thanks to you all. I never expected anything like this from my useless ramblings. I feel as though I should let you know a few things perhaps. I know Freddie is being a whiney confused boy… and it's frustrating, but please bear with him through all this mess. It will make the result just that much more worthwhile. Sam isn't exactly making things easy for him. I luff me some angst and confusion and there's more to come before it gets better. Hope there are some of you out there who will thoroughly enjoy all that the same way I do. xD

**Disclaimer: **If I owned iCarly after Sam and Freddie had pulled away from their kiss I would have added a subtitle under Sam's face that said "Oh shit".

**/**

**SEVEN:**

_**...so badly. Well I trip over everything you say.**_

**/**

Waking up next to Sam was like an out of body experience, foreign but safe. I awoke to find her flat out on her stomach with her face nuzzled into my shoulder, an arm across my body and our legs intertwined; far too much skin on skin contact to be considered appropriate in the Sam and Freddie universe. This wasn't normal. However, that didn't mean that I, for some completely fucked up reason, didn't feel absolutely calm and safe next to her, and like I'd had the best sleep of my entire life. I guess just having a warm female body lay beside you all night can do wonders; I just had to try and forget that it was Sam lying there. Lying there with her slight but mighty arm delicately across my chest, her unkempt blonde curls covering my shoulder and the fascinating smell of raspberries mixed with beef jerky and maple syrup wafting up into my nose.

Admittedly I was completely enjoying this current arrangement we were both in; but that just meant I was desperately searching and in desperate need of some other female companionship right? Besides, this wouldn't last long, who knew when I'd have another moment like this? I had to savour it. If I stirred at all she would wake and quickly remove herself from me with a kick and smack to the head I would think. So I stayed perfectly still and watched her body rise and fall with her deep breaths.

For the first time in almost three days I felt relaxed and completely at peace. No jumbled thoughts, no confusion, no anger… and more importantly no guilt. Sam had been more than understanding of my, I guess you could call it mental break down, which was shocking to say the least. But perhaps she understood me more than I gave her credit for. I was missing Carly, and usually if I was having any kind of internal crisis Carly would be the one to talk it out with me and set me straight. Without her here to listen to all my bullshit, coupled with the promise to spend unnatural and immeasurable amounts of time with Sam, things were starting to build up and I was just boiling over unable to control myself. It was a vicious cycle, and I needed to get a handle on it before I did something entirely stupid and regretful, or before I let my out of control hormones get the better of me.

Sam and I were obviously heading for some unknown territory, progressing towards something I never thought possible; I needed to keep my shit together and focus on not fucking everything up like I always do with her. Sam had obviously not noticed the shift in our relationship because I was still breathing, if she had I'd probably be institutionalised for the rest of my natural born life.

Things were changing and I didn't know how exactly or where the changes were leading but there was a noticeable difference I just couldn't deny, and I suddenly felt happy about it. Even if it was only to finally have some semblance of a friendship with her, I felt excited by the prospect.

I had to admit to myself that I'd always been a little jealous of Sam's bond with Carly. As much as her refusal to open up frustrated and irritated me to no end, when I really thought about it I was just jealous. I wanted to be the person she came to when things got too hard, I wanted to be considered a friend... her friend.

It was faint and probably far into the distance but I could see that wall that Sam hid behind, the one that she had expertly created, I could see it slowly starting to come down. I was ever so gradually beginning to remove piece by piece. If I kept my wits about me I might be able to tear it down completely and find a true friend there. After everything that had happened in the last few weeks I knew I had to be making some kind of progress. At least I hoped so.

I caught myself smiling at my thoughts as I watched Sam's body continue to rise and fall with her steady breathing. She looked so peaceful, so completely harmless, the notion seemed almost ridiculous. Seeing her this way was such a contrast from everything I was used to witnessing from the blonde hell cat. There was no way I would ever get another opportunity to see her like this, Sam would make sure of that, so I started to take an intricately detailed mental snapshot.

The way her hair looked, the way she smelled, the warmth created by our bodies flush against one another, how delicate she looked, how seemingly fragile… I filed it all away for later use. I always needed ammunition against Sam and I couldn't help but think that this was the perfect piece of information I had been searching for all these years. I chuckled at the thought.

It was then that Sam grumbled and moved her head up to face me completely, our bodies remaining connected. She took a few deep breaths before opening her eyes slowly, blinking the sleep away. I held my breath when our eyes met; I had to wait for _her_ reaction before I could react appropriately.

She scanned over our current position before looking up at me with a smirk and slowly removing herself from our innocent sleep guided embrace. "Sorry." She laughed shyly.

"S'fine." Was all I could manage, I still wasn't breathing.

There was silence as Sam lay still, keeping her blue eyes locked with mine. She bit her lip nervously before tucking both arms up underneath her and laughed timidly.

"How did I end up in here…" Her voice was hushed and she paused briefly to look down in between us. "…in one of your shirts?"

_Say what now?_

I didn't even notice that Sam had somehow managed to change into my 'Geology Rocks' t-shirt in between the violent hurling and making herself comfortable in my bed. I desperately tried to reel my mind back from the hormone induced thoughts that immediately surfaced.

_Oh crap, she's gonna think I undressed her._

"Uhh, well I found you in the hall, brought you inside, you puked for a while and then I found you in here." I shrugged darting my eyes around to look anywhere but directly at her.

She nodded slightly. "Puking. I remember the puking."

There was silence again as Sam tried to piece together her evening, her eyebrows furrowing with the obviously hazy memory. "What else?"

"Huh?"

"What else happened?" She urged.

"Oh, um… well when I found you in the hall you told me you were the Sultan of Brunei." I chuckled.

"Really?" Sam squeaked trying to hold back her girlish giggles.

"Yeah, was hilarious." I couldn't help but smile at her; she seemed so childlike, even with her panda eyes and her hair in a hundred painful looking knots.

"Is there more?"

"Of course." I laughed, completely caught up in her amusement. "Actually you fell a couple of times getting your drunk ass inside and you said that the apartment smelled like beets. Oh and you told me to tell the freaky ass carny in the corner to slow the ride down because you were gonna hurl." She buried her face into the pillow and began laughing hysterically. "That's not the best part though. When you ran for the bathroom you crashed into every piece of furniture and every wall there was along the way, almost like you were a raging bull in a china shop." I paused to laugh again at the memory she'd created last night. "It was really cute."

_Cute? Where the hell did cute come from? Oh sweet Moses you're going to be the death of me!_

Sam's head shot up faster than I could even attempt to shove the word back into my mouth. "Cute?"

"Ahh well, um y-you know for a drunk person." My defence was weak at best, but it was all I could manage.

She looked at me quizzically pursing her lips, pondering my little slip of the tongue. "Hmmm. It's all a little fuzzy. Guess that means it was a pretty epic fucking night." She grinned, practically beaming at her delinquent behaviour, brushing over my comment completely.

Her smile was contagious and I couldn't help but laugh and smile back at her.

So here we were once again in that newly developed realm of pleasantness that fell between us, it was becoming more frequent and maybe even slightly addicting. I wanted more. So much more. I wanted it so badly that I knew that if I got too caught up in the warmth of the moment I was likely to overstep my mark and Sam would detonate.

Blue on brown, brown on blue; we just continued to stare at each other, our laughter and matching smiles fading as the minutes passed. The room suddenly felt smaller, like the walls were closing in around me and I had trouble collecting my breaths. I could almost see the thick air materialising right in front of my eyes, like a wave of awkward tension was heading right for me and I was powerless to stop it. But I didn't really want to stop it. I welcomed it.

Our eyes stayed trained on each other's and before I even knew what was happening I felt myself slowly leaning in. I was going to kiss her; Sam Puckett. I was going to connect my lips with hers. For a thousand unclear reasons it was happening. This was definitely not part of my plan to keep things between us amiable. Surely a move like this would completely decimate any progress I thought we were making.

_Retreat damn you!_

I tried to grab my bearings and shove a couple of logical neurons through my brain so that I could just think but thinking was impossible, at least thinking rationally was. My defences were down and apparently so were hers because Sam wasn't stopping me; if anything she was accepting my bold and completely thoughtless advance. Instead of jerking her head back and giving me a well deserved slap, as she very well should, her eyes softened reflecting a mixture of confusion, nerves and fear. She then grazed her teeth over her bottom lip, the action making my head spin; she wasn't supposed to be this receptive.

_Why isn't she moving?_

I was so close that I could feel her cool breath on my lips, one more inch and my world would be forever altered.

As cruel fate would have it the shrill tone of my cell phone cut the moment like a knife through tin foil. Sam snapped back to reality quickly breaking our connection her eyebrows raised with question. I was paralysed by confusion and fear as my phone just continued to chime, the sound echoing through the thick air becoming more offensive with each passing second.

After a few more awkward moments of confusing silence and intense eye contact Sam huffed awkwardly before launching herself out of bed answering my phone with urgency.

"Hello?" She was slightly out of breath, which shocked me to no end. The list of 'Things that shock Freddie Benson' had quadrupled in the last five minutes. I blinked furiously, my mind now running a marathon to catch up with reality.

"Carly?" Sam questioned with a frown.

As soon as I heard Sam utter Carly's name I felt completely ridiculous lying there like a deranged dead weight that I bolted upright, my eyes bugging out of my head.

_Sam answered my phone and it just so happened to be Carly on the other end; well shit._

"No it's Princess Caroline. Yes it's Sam." She retorted sarcastically.

I watched in amazement as Sam's mood shifted instantly as the mysterious words came from the other end of the conversation. She shuffled her feet nervously and raked her free hand through her hair. She was a stuttering mess. "What? Ohh yeah I guess this is his phone. I-I-I uhh, I-I didn't. Well um... Yeah just a sec." She looked up at me sheepishly, biting her lip and throwing the phone down onto the bed. "Carly." She informed, never looking directly into my eyes.

I grabbed the phone quickly and tried to control my thundering heart rate. "Carly. Yeah hi." I said abruptly and unenthusiastically. I didn't want to get into a detailed conversation with her right now.

"What is Sam doing answering your phone?" Carly interrogated.

"I well I-I. You see it's-" So apparently I was a stuttering mess too. This didn't really bode well for the whole keeping things calm and collected idea I had.

Carly huffed at my inability to answer her question and just went on to scold me. "You never called me back!"

"Huh?" I frowned in confusion; I had no idea what she was talking about.

Carly continued with her reprimand. "Friday, you never called me back."

_Oh crap, I didn't did I?_

"What the hell is going on Freddie?"

Did she have ten hours, or a word processor ready? I was hopelessly trying to make sense of everything myself, there was no way I could begin to relay what had just happened to Carly, I'm not even sure I'd ever want to.

I paused and looked up at Sam still chewing on her bottom lip and watched her slowly pace around my room. "I have no idea." I finally replied sombrely, and that was the god's honest truth, I had no fucking idea.

"What do you mean you have no idea?" I could tell Carly's annoyance was building but I couldn't focus on that right now.

_One difficult woman at a time please!_

"Look, I promise to call you back later ok?" I felt bad for trying to blow her off, again, but this just wasn't the right time.

"Freddie what-"

"Honestly Carly, I promise we'll talk later ok? Bye." I cut Carly off mid rant; I'd have to work some serious Freddie Benson charm when I spoke to her again.

_Charm? You have none._

I threw the phone onto the bed keeping my eyes trained on Sam. She chewed anxiously on her thumb as she stared blankly at the carpet still slowly pacing back and forth.

I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. If Sam's reaction had been the opposite or she'd have responded in her usual Sam way I'd be able to move on from this faster than it takes her to put me in a headlock but this, well this wasn't normal. Her reaction was as unnatural as a lion falling in love with a lamb… or perhaps something not as lame as a Twilight reference. I was currently low on intellectual thoughts.

Sam seemed to be dealing with her own inner turmoil, she dropped her hand down to her side and faced me with a 'that didn't just happen' smirk. "I... I'm gonna jump in the shower." She pursed her lips and looked utterly uncomfortable as she walked backwards. "You don't need to get in there first?"

"Ahh no I-I'll... yeah uhh... after... you can just-" I choked as I gestured with my hands clumsily. I thankfully didn't get to finish my unintelligible stuttering; Sam had already shut the bathroom door behind her.

I stared at the door blankly, the last few minutes feeling like a total blur, all of it replaying in my head over and over. Time seemed to stand still as my thoughts tried to comprehend my actions. I groaned and I pulled my legs up to rest my arms on my knees, throwing my hands through my hair furiously. Everything that had happened yesterday and the day before now seemed completely trivial and I wished that I'd not wasted all my brain power trying to decipher that mess so that I could focus on this one. I just love creating awkward tension for myself don't I?

_I think it's time for some therapy. Ok, let's look at this logically... if you can handle that._

I was leaning in to kiss Sam Puckett and she wasn't stopping me. Fact.

The world had to be coming to an end. Fact.

There was no other explanation. Fact.

I had an, admittedly, pretty girl in my bed and my hormones just took over. Fact.

There was no way on earth that I'd developed feelings for her, the most I'd be willing to admit to was a small amount of hormonal teenage lust… at most. A teenage girl and a teenage guy sharing a bed, touching intimately, even if by accident, staring intently at each other for longer than what is considered friendly... you'd have to be mentally challenged to not see the lust driven tendencies that could arise from a situation like that.

_Those fucking hormones again._

So I'd established that my hormones were malfunctioning but what about her? The Sam I thought I knew over a month ago would have... well let's just say I'd be hospitalised right now if this were six weeks ago.

There was no logical reason for us to talk about what just happened. If I wanted to salvage any part of what I was working towards with Sam I'd have to act indifferent; I'd have to act like Sam. There were still 24 long uncomfortable hours to go before she would be out of my personal radius; I couldn't go through another day like yesterday. I needed damage control... tension free damage control.

Besides, she was obviously hung over or still a little drunk, probably both, she wasn't thinking clearly. Yeah that was it, that's all it was. Hormones mixed with an intoxicated attractive girl equals colossal mistake. Hormones mixed with the laws of probability, an intoxicated attractive girl and thoughtless actions equals lust driven manic episode

No big deal.

I needed somewhere to go. Some place that didn't hold all of this tension and awkwardness. I needed an escape from my own life. My answer became glaringly obvious. Sim-Freddie would know what to do.

* * *

It wasn't until later in the afternoon when we crossed paths again. I wasn't avoiding her on purpose, it just happened that way but it did give me enough time to get my head wrapped around this whole notion of acting nonchalant and completely ignoring the awkward as ass situation we'd shared. It wasn't in my nature to completely brush over something of this magnitude, but I had to. I had to salvage what I could as quickly as I could.

I ventured out into the living room to find Sam lounging on the sofa watching a movie. I stood behind her for a few minutes while I gathered my nerves, breathing in deeply and trying to force a sense of calm over me.

"What are we watching?" I chimed with probably a little too much enthusiasm, if she noticed my fake composure she didn't show it. I sat down next to her and smiled.

"Remember the Titans." She replied keeping her eyes on the screen.

"Hmmm, don't think I've seen it. What's it about?"

She shook her head and rolled her eyes at me. "Do you watch, listen, or do anything that's even half decent in that life of yours?" I gave her a smirk and she huffed at me before continuing, "It's about a high school football team set in the 70's... around the time when they tried to streamline education for blacks with whites. It's an awesome movie. You should shut up and watch."

With a small chuckle and a shift in my seat I turned my eyes to the screen. After a few minutes everything just seemed to settle and I got completely lost in the movie, which I was thankful for. I needed a good distraction and the movie proved to be as awesome as Sam had claimed. When the credits started rolling I felt surprisingly relaxed, not having been in my head for almost two hours over analysing everything as I always tended to do was a nice change.

"So. What'd you think?" Sam asked stretching out and lounging further into the sofa, her feet now resting on the coffee table.

"Pretty amazing." I nodded in approval. How had I not seen that movie before? I stretched my arms out in front of me and yawned. "So what movie is next?" I wasn't entirely sure if she'd planned on a movie marathon or not, but it seemed like the best way for us to get back to that newly established light-hearted atmosphere I enjoyed so much.

"The Goonies."

My eyes narrowed with question. "The Goonies?"

"You haven't seen the Goonies?" She emphasised each word slowly and gaped in disbelief.

"Nope." I replied popping the p and shaking my head.

"Oh my god! Get the DVD out of my bag and get it going. We need snacks for this." Sam jumped off the back of the sofa and headed for the kitchen.

I smiled at her retreating form and stood up grabbing her backpack. I began sifting through all the empty fatcake wrappers, scrunched up pieces of paper, packets of gum, and a bunch of other junk trying not to think about how unsanitary her belongings could very well be. I got to the bottom and blindly pulled out the DVD, along with it came a fatcake wrapper and large very official looking envelope.

The envelope was open and my curiosity got the better of me, my respect for people's privacy failing miserably. It wasn't like me to go through other people's belongings but I didn't, or couldn't stop once I caught sight of what was in there. I think all the blood drained from my face when my brain registered what I was looking at. A passport, a few different travel itineraries, a cheque for a hefty sum and a dozen or so brochures on Europe, Australia and Canada.

Reality hit me like a proverbial ton of bricks. I almost felt winded, the conversation we'd had, the one that I thought was just Sam talking herself up to appear like a free spirited bad ass, was all true. She was serious about ditching college. I examined everything I was holding still unable to truly believe what was clearly staring at me in the face.

I heard Sam heading back to the living room but couldn't move fast enough to hide the evidence... or maybe I didn't want to. For reasons I cannot even begin to explain I needed to confront her about this.

"You know I find it rath-" She looked up at me, her eyes widening with horror once she saw what was in my hands. "What are you doing?"

I paused briefly. "What is this?"

Sam quickly stormed over to me grabbing the envelope out of my hands. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

I took a step back. "I was just getting the DVD out of-"

"No you were going through my personal belongings. That's what you were doing." She snapped trying to shove everything back into her bag, obviously hoping that out of sight meant out of mind.

"Sam what is all that?" I questioned firmly.

"It's none of your damn business that's what it is." She barked, visibly pissed off.

I waited for a second or two as she continued to throw everything she owned back into her bag. "You're blowing off college aren't you?" She ignored me. "Aren't you?" No response. "Sam!"

"We're done talking." Sam bolted for the door and something in me snapped; I couldn't let her walk out like this. Not without discussing things. I tried not to let my anger get the better of me; suppressing it as best I could.

"Right just run away Sam, like you always do." She had her hand on the door knob; I scrambled to find the right words to keep her from storming out before we'd resolved this. "It's so easy to be you isn't it? To hide behind your wall of insults, laughter and aggression... never having to deal with things that are just too hard right?"

"Shut up." She said calmly, never turning to look back at me.

"No Sam, no I won't shut up, not this time. We need to talk about this." I demanded.

"_We_ don't need to talk about anything."

"You're blowing off college Sam, to do what? To hitch-hike your way around the world running away from your problems? You can't run forever. At some point you need to think about who you want to be, I mean you have no dreams no plans. You could be so much more Sam." She spun around to face me, her expression sombre but I could see the anger in her eyes. "When was the last time you wished for something great to happen to you, when was the last time you had a plan for yourself to be more?" I waited a beat for her answer and tried not to falter under the intense scrutiny of her steely blue eyes. "I know you can be more."

"Yeah? Well some of us don't have that luxury." She went to leave again; I had to make her stay.

"Why is that?" She tensed. "Oh right we don't talk about you right. It's all a big secret." She stopped and slowly turned to face me again, this time her expression a little softer. "Why don't you ever talk to me Sam?"

"I talk to you enough." She deadpanned.

"No. No you don't. I barely know you; you never share anything with me."

_Great way to pout like a four year old there Benson._

"I mean, you never even told me what the deal is about you moving in with Spencer for the summer..."

Her face fell and she looked away from me. "Stop."

I couldn't stop; word vomit, once it starts I have no control. "And that date you have tattooed on your neck what's that about..."

"Just stop it."

"Then there's your dad. What about your dad Sam? You don't mention him either." I inwardly cringed at myself.

_It was nice knowing you._

"I said stop it." She said slowly and firmly.

Every one of Sam's pleas for me to stop didn't go unheard but I couldn't get a hold of myself. All the questions that had been building up and stewing inside me over the last six weeks... over the last ten years were spilling over and out into the air, faster than I could catch them.

"Where's your dad Sam?" I continued, despite the very hurt and very un-Sam-like look she was giving me. "Is he in jail?" There I said it. It was finally out in the open, the suspicion that had probably been with me all along was out and I knew it to be true, because she didn't speak. Her face, however, spoke volumes. "He is isn't he? Is that why you don't talk about him, because you're embarrassed? What's he in jail for Sam? Did he do something to you? Did he-"

"He's dead!" She screamed, closing the distance between us so I could see the intense fury on her face. "Alright? March 8th 2004, he died. But not until after I watched the paramedics pull him out of the car wreck in front of our house. Is that what you wanted to hear, does that make you happy?"

I felt sick, like someone had kicked me in the gut repeatedly for about a week. What could I say? What could I do? "Sam I-" I tried. I had no idea how to respond, instead I lamely looked down at my feet and squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that this was all a dream. I couldn't look at her.

"What? You're gonna feel sorry for me now?" I buried my hands in my pockets and prayed that I could just melt into the carpet, that I could just shrivel up and die right on the spot. She was waiting for me to answer but I offered no reply. "You want to hold me close while I cry and tell you all about my tales of woe? Is that what you want?"

My head shot up instantly and my subconscious answered without hesitation. Yes. Yes that is what I wanted. But when I looked at her face I couldn't seem to find the right words to express that to her in a way she'd understand. I'd never seen her look like that before, so broken, so full of hurt. It crushed me into a million tiny pieces. I had to look away.

"I had a bad childhood, big deal. I don't need sympathy from you, because I'm here and I got through it. I'm living the way I want to, despite all of that bullshit. And that is my dream." Sam again paused waiting for me to say something. I should have but the very fine tuned verbal function I once possessed had packed up and left for a more appealing atmosphere. "Oh you have nothing to say now? You want more? Let's see... oh how about I tell you that it was the doctors who had to turn off life support because my mother was too drunk to even get her worthless ass out of the house? Or maybe, maybe you want me to tell you about the sound my dad made when he took his last breath, because I can still hear it Freddie, exactly as it sounded." Her voice cracked at that moment and I knew that if I looked at her I'd see her eyes brimming with tears and that was one image I could do without. So like the gutless, spineless, dumbass that I was, I didn't look up. "Does that make you feel better now?"

The silence that fell with that final question was a cruel contrast from the last few minutes of animosity. I didn't dare make a sound, I couldn't look at her and I'm not even sure I was breathing. After everything that had happened over the past three days, or even the last six weeks, after all the progress towards whatever we were progressing towards it was all for nothing. I'd more or less obliterated any kind of friendship I ever hoped to have with her. She would forget everything, everything up until this point and I would be left with this, this same place I would forever be trapped in with Sam Puckett.

"We are so done here."

The sound of the door slamming echoed through the entire and now completely hollow apartment, shaking me to my very core.

/

**A/N: **Did you all think it was gonna be all rainbows and kittens at the start there? Ya did didn't ya? Hehe, I am so evil. Surely you all knew something like this was coming right? Don't expect it to be resolved quickly either. Mwa ha ha ha haaaaa.

On a more serious note, I'm a little concerned that some of you might think Sam's attitude towards her dad's death is a little flippant, what with the whole 'such is life' thing, but let me explain. I'm gonna get share-y. I lost a parent when I was young, 8th March 1994 to be exact, hence the date. And as much as that sucks and I don't deny that it's a horrible situation to have lived through, the last 16 years has taught me that life is going to throw all kinds of shit at you. There's no avoiding it, and you can either sit in your own self pity and let it control you or you can choose to accept it and let it strengthen you. There is always going to be someone else out there with a worse story than the one you've got to tell, so why let it run your life?

And that's my two cents worth.

[BETA'd iCarlyAngst]

**It's pimping of the prepossessing pimps time: **Axel100, The Earl of Sandwich and my new friend Pieequals36. What else can I say really? You all know what you have to do, I wouldn't pimp what I didn't believe to be greatness. There's nothing to lose by checking out those authors... you only have everything to gain.

Chapter title comes from the song 'MakeDamnSure' by Taking Back Sunday


	8. You're shouting so loud

**Noting like a raging noter: **Sorry for the delay with this update guys, the procrastination fairy… or more like troll hit me hard. But I think the time I took to get this update right will pay off in terms of quality. On a totally different topic: since this started I've had a lot of comments about how IC everyone is, which surprised me. I never actually intended for them to be IC at all. I kind of just wrote them how I wanted to, but now I run the risk of being told how they're moving into OOC territory. Which I think is inevitable because of where I'm taking this story. So yeah, there's your heads up on the whole IC/OOC deal. Enjoy the chapter; I'm not entirely sure you'll be feeling too warm and fuzzy when it's over.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned iCarly the episode iDo would be about Sam and Freddie getting married… plus what happens on their wedding night… plus what happens on their honeymoon… plus… yeah you get the idea.

**/**

**EIGHT:**

…_**you barely joyous, broken thing.**_

**/**

The more things change, the more they stay the same. Well, if that's not one giant heap of bullshit then I don't know what is.

Everything, absolutely everything had shifted so drastically. The natural order that I was so accustomed to had spun wildly out of control and I was left feeling out of place, out of sorts, and just not my usual self.

It. Sucked.

It almost felt as if hurricane Sam had blown in, ripped wildly through my fragile universe, left her path of destruction and disappeared, leaving me to pick up the pieces.

This was about the time when I wished I'd picked up some kind of illicit drug habit or attached myself to a few dozen bottles of vodka. That's when habits like that take a hold, right? When a teenager finds themselves in an impossible situation, desperate for a break from their troubling thoughts, desperate for release? But that just wasn't me. No, I settled for the annoying bitch fit going back and forth in my head.

_Super._

My life had been turned on its head... or ass, however you want to look at it. In just a few short weeks I'd gone from spending time with Sam out of obligation, to spending time with Sam out of hopes of creating a friendship, to spending time with no-one. That whole whirlwind actually making me feel physically dizzy.

I'd never really had to deal with change before, at least not such drastic changes so suddenly… ones that were out of my control. Everything in my life had always been so constant, so assured. I had my mother, I had my friends, I had my acquaintances, I had my ten year plan, and I had Carly. Then of course there's Sam. Even how _we_ related to one another was a consistent thing in my world. Sure Sam was the queen of unpredictability but I always knew my day would start and end with some kind of torment and abuse from her. I was now left with nothing, reduced to doing nothing, and was fast approaching recluse status.

To me Sam had never been anything more than just the person who filled out our group; bringing her own brand of quirks to make iCarly happen. But now I found myself actually considering her; as what exactly I'm not so sure anymore, but considering her nonetheless.

I couldn't help the feeling that things were much simpler with Carly around, because that was the honest truth, no doubt in my mind. Everything was so much simpler before she left, before when it was our well oiled little trio. Yeah, so maybe we were a tad dysfunctional, and by dysfunctional I mean Sam, but nothing like this had ever happened when it was the three of us. Carly exuded calm and this whole situation proved that she had always been our glue.

In fact, this whole mess had begun when Carly left; that moment single handedly causing my world to start caving in around me.

_Stupid Carly, she's nothing but a big... leaver. Ugh._

I ignored that ridiculous thought with a grunt and turned my focus back to the droning words of Oprah Winfrey on TV. She and I had become well acquainted this last week, countless interviews with some awesome celebrities, giving away free shit as she does; but today was one of her insightful know it all self help sessions.

_Bitch thinks she knows me._

If I had anything better to do, I would have shut the TV off long ago but I continued to watch like the zombie I had become, if nothing else it was a semi decent distraction.

"Though I am grateful for the blessings of wealth, it hasn't changed who I am. My feet are still on the ground. I'm just wearing better shoes."

_Ugh. What a snob._

"We are each responsible for our own life. No other person is or ever can be."

_Oh get fucked!_

"Shut up you old hag," I muttered to no one as I fumbled with the remote trying to get rid of her smiling face mocking me as fast as I could. I knew she was right. I couldn't believe the relevance and just how convenient her statement was for the situation I was currently in. I felt myself actually pouting as I huffed and folded my arms across my chest.

_I should have watched Jerry Springer._

I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I truly placed all the blame on Carly; that would just be far too selfish of me. I was looking for a scapegoat, looking for anyone else to blame but myself because everything was so fucked up, I didn't want to be responsible for any of this.

But I couldn't hold anyone, least of all Carly, responsible for keeping my life in order anymore. I needed to grow up and learn how to deal with what life throws at me, I mean that's what growing up is all about right?

_Yeah, fuck you, Oprah._

I was always aware that change was inevitable, I'm not _that_ naïve, but never having to deal with such extreme changes makes you more than unprepared to handle it when it hits you unexpectedly... like a bus. I mean, how many times can a person be hit by a bus and live to learn from it? The answer would probably be none, or once if you were really lucky.

_I'd rather have been hit by a bus._

My emotions were spiralling; sure I felt bad, I felt more than bad for more than 24 hours after Sam had stormed out of my apartment, but now I just felt numb.

She was impossible; we were impossible. Trying to have any kind of relationship with Sam was like openly signing up for a game of Russian Roulette. Only in her case there was always more than one bullet loaded into the gun. I was getting pretty fed up with trying to anticipate when she'd fire and whether or not that was a bullet I had to dodge; it was exhausting.

I'd more or less given up any hope that we'd be able to reconcile. She wouldn't want an apology from me and I'm not even sure I wanted to give her one. Nothing I said would have done any good anyway. I was done.

_Coward._

I ignored my inner bitch and continued to stare blankly at the TV trying to knock the asshole off the wall with my scowl when I heard a knock at the door. The instant thought that it could be her shot through me like an electrical current, the harsh reality that there was no possible way it could be her crushed me just as instantly. I deflated with a heavy sigh and forced myself off the couch to the door, opening it just a crack to peer out. Gibby stood there all smiles arms folded over his chest.

"Oh, hey Gib," I opened the door further to let him in.

"Sup," He said in his usual Gibby way brushing past and studying me with narrowed eyes.

"Nothin much," I shrugged, closing the door behind me.

He frowned arms still folded across his chest. "Dude what happened?" He paused taking in my appearance and scrunching his nose. "You look and smell like mouldy ass."

"Nice to see you too Gibby," I shot with an eye roll.

"You _really_ need to get some fresh air man," he said animatedly together with a dramatic pinch of his nose.

I suppressed my annoyance and tried to keep things light, "Noted," I said with a nod, "So what's up?"

"Oh yeah," he chirped, jumping off the back of the couch with enthusiasm. "That fedora I leant to you for iCarly, I need it back."

"Fedora huh? What's the occasion?" I asked heading for my room and trying to sound as interested as possible; his naturally sunny disposition starting to grate on me already.

"Tasha is in Florida with her family and Dale Erickson is having a massive end of summer party tonight. And I mean it's gonna be huge," He added from behind, I could practically feel the excitement bouncing off him.

"Sounds thrilling," I mumbled, as I searched for the hat in my closet quickly. I really wasn't in the mood for exuberance nor was I in the mood for company.

"It's gonna be off the walls man! You should totally come," Gibby beamed.

To a Dale Erickson party; was he smoking crack? He was seriously asking me if I wanted to attend any event that included that douche. Dale was your typical football jock with all the arrogance and asshole qualities you expect from an uncultured meat head. He was a total prick.

"I'll pass," I deadpanned as I handed him the fedora.

Gibby took the hat from me, placed it on his head and raised his brows with question, "What's with you man?" His voice thick with concern.

"Nothing. Just not in the mood for a party," I replied with a shrug of finality hoping he would get the hint to just leave me alone. Gibby stood there, eyes disapproving stance rigid. I tried to stare him down but he never gave in. I sighed with irritation, "Is there something else you wanted, Gibby?"

He studied me for a moment, his eyes felt like they were burning a hole in my face and I knew he could see right through me, "You sure you're okay man?"

I looked at him with bored eyes, "I'm fine," I lied.

"I don't believe you," He said flatly, deepening the intense doubtful look on his face.

"Well I don't know what to tell ya," I shot, trying hard to keep my annoyance in check. But I was annoyed, probably more than I should have been. I didn't want to be lectured right now, especially not with the truth. Not by Oprah, not by Gibby, not by anyone.

"Its Sam, isn't it?"

I snapped my head up to meet his eyes with a pointed glare, "What makes you assume that?"

"Because you look like shit and she's not here."

_What the fuck does that have to do with anything?_

My whole body tensed as I leant back on my desk and my face ran hot. "Should she be?"

"Well you guys have been spending a lot of time together," He stated calmly, his expression soft.

"So?" I snapped angrily, the agitation from before surfacing, threatening to spill over.

Gibby shrugged raising his hands dismissively, "I just figured since you guys were friends, tha-"

"We were never friends," I spat before I could even stop myself, "And I was only doing Carly a favour."

Gibby frowned, "What?"

"Carly asked me to look out for her and I agreed," I stated firmly, crossing my arms over my chest in an unconscious act of defiance.

"That's it?" Gibby hedged.

"Pretty much," I shrugged non-committally dropping my eyes to my feet.

"So all this time you've been spending with her was just…"

"Because I was doing what Carly asked," I muttered quickly, wishing this conversation to end as fast as it had begun.

"So if she hadn't of asked you would-"

"I wouldn't have bothered," I finished for him.

"Right."

"Yeah."

"Ok then."

I rolled my eyes at his suggestive tone, "What?"

"I think that's a load of crap," He stated plainly.

The guy might be flamboyant and very misunderstood but he's not an idiot. I let all the air escape my body, I knew I was lying; to Gibby and myself. "Well it is and it isn't."

"What does that even mean?"

I ran my hands over my face and through my hair furiously, the action making my vision momentarily blurry, "It means that Carly did ask me, and to begin with I was only doing what she requested, but then things started to change and just when I thought we were making progress…" I trailed off, "well you know Sam," I finished, defeated.

"So you had a fight. How is that any different from before?"

"Long story," Gibby gave me the 'elaborate please' look and I continued with a sigh, "I don't know man; it all just seems like a waste you know? I got absolutely nowhere with her and I really wish that I could just take it all back," my voice rose on its own accord.

Gibby's eye focused for a moment as he thought. "Hmmm. Well Sam's definitely not an easy one to figure out, I'll give you that. But should you really just give up?"

I took a deep breath. "What else can I do?"

Gibby's face lit up with what I imagined he thought to be a brilliant idea. "You could come to the party tonight. Let loose; might do you some good."

I nodded, giving him a slight smirk, "Thanks, but I really don't feel up to it."

"Ok," he said moving over to the door, "But the offer is there if you want to take it."

"Thanks Gib."

"No problem," he turned to look back at me sympathetically, "and hey, if you want to talk about anything..."

"Yeah I know."

Gibby gave me a reassuring smile closing the door behind him.

The rest of my afternoon was as uneventful as my morning. Hell, it was as uneventful as my entire week. The conversation I had with Gibby repeating in my head, it's true what they say people forced into exile lose their fucking minds. At one point I even considered attending douche bag Dale's party just so I could tell my mother not to call a therapist. She'd been nagging me for days about vitamin D deficiency, amongst other things, I was able to abate her with a few empty promises and she was too busy with work to see them through.

I'd managed to relax somewhat over the course of the evening and was calmly re-reading Lord of The Rings for the hundredth time in bed when the piercing sound of my cell phone knocked me out of my fantasy land around 11.30. I groaned as I picked it up and saw that it was a call from Gibby. I was exhausted and about ready to pass out but after a few seconds of just blinking at it I eventually flipped the offending object open and greeted him, "Hey Gib, what's up?"

"Freddie! Hey, I'm at Dale's party," He shouted over the thumping music in the background.

"Yeah I can hear that," I added, annoyed that he'd called me so late to state the obvious.

"Listen, um I think you should come over here man." His tone was uncharacteristically timid.

"I already told you Gibby, I'm not interested. But have a good time ok?" I added quickly, trying to end the conversation.

"No dude, I really think you need to get down here." Gibby's voice suddenly became urgent.

My heart rate rose involuntarily. "What's going on?"

"Well its Sam… um."

His vagueness was beginning to make me panic, "What about her?" I asked gravely, trying to retract the sound of concern that threatened my composure.

"She's here and… well," Gibby trailed off suspiciously. Something had to be seriously wrong. All I could hear were the loud sounds of drunk teenagers and lame music coming from the party over the phone as Gibby went silent.

"Gibby?"

"She's um… she's... look you just really need to get over here," He finished, with a slight desperation to his voice.

I wanted to tell him that Sam wasn't my responsibility, I wanted more than anything to tell him that she could take care of herself; but the sound of a hundred teenagers all chanting Sam's name over and over in the background squashed all of that and I flew out of bed without hesitation.

"I'm on my way."

* * *

What is it with football jocks all having ridiculously wealthy parents? It pisses me right off. My whole apartment would fit in their front yard alone. Lush green lawns, painfully detailed landscaping and a picturesque white picket fence surrounded the block with the red brick mansion, complete with white window shutters, placed directly in the middle. A fair contrast to the debauchery taking place inside, I imagined.

I walked quickly down the stone path that ran alongside the house taking me to the back yard, a spectacular view of lake Washington appearing before me, the night sky mirrored in the stillness of the water. There were easily two hundred teenagers in the back yard alone and even more spilling out from the porch, all very much in party mode. Body shots, funnels, strip poker... you name it, it was happening. I desperately searched through all the crowds of half naked bodies for the blonde in question when I landed on Gibby in all his shirtless fedora glory.

"Gibby!" I screamed over the beat and loud hum of the party, "Where is she?"

"Dude I don't know I lost her after she did the keg stand!" He shrieked as he shoved through a group of people. "Let me check inside."

Gibby took off running and I shook my head violently trying to get the image of Sam doing a keg stand out of my mind. I moved to push through the crowd as they danced to some techno junk blaring from the speakers sitting on the wooden deck a few feet away. I made it to the edge of the deck quickly without struggle; intoxicated teenagers don't make for much of a challenge. I darted my eyes around, down the embankment to the waters' edge and back up. Then I heard it, that unmistakable laugh, the one mixed with confidence, arrogance and a hint of insecurity. My eyes followed the sound instinctively, my head snapping over to where it came from. I found Sam in the hot tub wearing nothing but a tiny green bikini top and denim shorts, snorting white powder off a mirror while being 'handled' by three guys, one of them Dale Erickson.

My brain emptied all thoughts as my legs shot into action and I bolted. Nothing mattered, nothing but getting her out of here; not the deal I'd made with Carly, not anything that had happened in the last seven weeks, not even the last ten years; none of it. I didn't care if I was the last person she wanted to see, I didn't care if she ripped my head from my body and I certainly didn't care if she hated me more than anything else; I had to get her out of here.

Pure desperation took over my body because I somehow managed to grab her by the waist, hoist her over my shoulder and walk quickly away from the precarious situation. I made it to the front yard before I was knocked back into reality, literally. Sam was screaming, punching, kicking, and thrashing as best she could only forcing my grip to tighten.

"Benson, put me the fuck down!" She bellowed, arms and legs flailing, hands grappling.

Despite the fact that I was now completely soaked and in some intense pain there was no way in hell under any other circumstances that I'd ever be able to grab Sam and carry her on my shoulder, so I relished in the power I had over her for the moment. I'd almost made it to the end of the yard when her sharp bony knee met my gut with such force that all the wind left my body and I dropped her with a loud groan clutching my stomach.

She gathered herself to her feet, all the while screaming at me, "You are such an asshole! I cannot even believe you!"

I collected my breaths and stood up to face her, my body still aching, "Sam, look at yourself, you're a mess."

She completely ignored me, huffing dramatically and stomping off back towards the party. I tried my best not to smirk at her appearance. If I wasn't so pissed at her I would have even laughed. She looked so adorably hopeless, hair that could rival Amy Whinehouse and, despite being in the hot tub just a few minutes ago, her favourite pair of red converse sneakers still attached to her feet. I made a mental note to kick my own ass later for the conflicting thoughts at inappropriate times.

"Where are you going?" I asked to the back of her head.

"Home!" She bellowed over her shoulder at me.

"Well, you're going the wrong way."

I smirked.

_Damn it! Now is not the time!_

She did a double take, looking slightly mortified before stamping her feet in my direction with another dramatic huff. Just as she moved passed I tried to grab her arm. "Sam, stop."

She avoided my grasp with ease, spinning around to face me completely. "Why? So you can lecture me about my shameful delinquent behaviour? Or so you can tell me all about your morals and why you're so hell bent on ruining everyone's fun?" She fumed.

"This is not fun," I justified, gesturing towards the party.

"Yeah maybe not to you," Sam shot back.

"Not to anybody Sam! You're hiding. You're avoiding dealing with the fact that you're unhappy, and it's disgusting."

"Don't you dare!" She screamed pointing a finger at me, I took a step back, eyes wide with shock as she continued, "You don't get to judge me, and you don't get to analyse me with your psycho babble bullshit, and you sure as hell don't get to swoop in here and act like a big smug hero!"

I frowned in confusion, "I don-"

"You know what, just forget it! Go," her tone became almost sarcastic as she pointed towards the road "Go call your precious Carly so you can tell her all about how you saved the damaged charity case."

"Charity case? Sam wha-"

"I heard you ok? I heard you and Gibby today. I heard everything."

_Oh shit._

I gathered all my nerves and my voice fell flat, "How much of it did you hear?"

"Enough," She paused, her voice becoming barely a whisper, "Enough to know that we were never friends and to learn about your little arrangement."

I blanched, my mouth agape completely lost for words. I knew then that she'd not heard the whole conversation I had with Gibby this afternoon, and like I had explained to him, that was how this all started, just as a seemingly harmless agreement between me and Carly. But now things had changed, I'd changed, and what once started out as me just giving my word to a good friend had fast developed into something I couldn't make much sense of. So how was I supposed to explain that to her? How could I even begin to justify that tonight had absolutely nothing to do with Carly and everything to do with Sam. She'd never believe me even if I could find the appropriate words, and before I had the chance to attempt a confusing long winded speech she interrupted me.

"So don't stand there and pretend like you actually give a shit about me Benson," her voice faltered as she dropped her head, eyes trained on the ground, shoulders hunched, "It's embarrassing, even for you."

_Whoa, back up a second._

Was she genuinely upset because she thought I didn't care? Was that what this was really all about? A thousand questions reeled through my mind and my breath quickened as I tried to process them all, desperate to make sense of this. Sam needed me, Carly had been right all along and I didn't truly believe it until now.

"Are you trying to say that you need me, Sam?" I questioned hesitantly, it was bold and completely reckless but I couldn't help the small smirk on my face.

She pulled her head up to look me directly in the eye, her expression not wavering for a second. "I don't need anyone."

Her response wiped the smirk off my face instantly and I scowled at her, "Oh don't do that, do not try and act all tough," I yelled, "I'm sick of you doing that."

"Doing what?" She yelled back.

"Pretending; all the time pretending that you're bulletproof, that you're fine. You're such a liar. God!" I was almost screaming and I pushed the hair off my forehead with frustration, "Why can't you just admit it?"

"Admit what?"

"Admit that you needed me. Admit that without Carly you had no one else, no one else but me." I could almost see my life flash before my eyes as those words left my mouth. I was trembling with sheer terror and an odd mix of confidence.

"Oh my god, you just don't get it do you?" She raged, gesturing wildly with her arms. "I don't _need_ you and I don't need you to babysit me, either. I just wanted things to stay as they were, for you to be you and me to be me. Is that too much to ask? Just to have some normalcy left in my life?"

"Normal? You think that behaviour is normal?" Her expression changed abruptly from hurt and angry to incredulous at my rhetorical question. "You've really gotta stop this whole shutting down and pushing people away thing you do and realise that people want to be there for you."

"What are you saying?"

"Me, Sam," I paused, "I've always been right here."

Her glassy eyes focused a little as she processed my embarrassing and impulsive revelation. She bit her lip and shook her head lightly, "No, no you weren't Freddie," she paused, locking her hurt filled eyes with mine, "You never were."

Her words cut me deep; I knew there was some truth behind them. I didn't try and stop her, I just watched her walk away, because the only thing left in my life that was constant, was the constant reminder that she'd never change.

**/**

**A/N: **Interesting tid bit for ya, that fight was the first thing I ever wrote more than six months ago now. It was the first idea I ever had for this story and I basically just wrote backwards from it. Now it's time to write forwards from it… what's gonna happen aye? Well I know, so does iCarlyAngst, the rest of you will just have to wait and see. Want me to update faster? Review, like you never have before. And for those that never have, you really should!

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

**I be pimpin pimpin: **The Earl of Sandwich, what can I say about him? Utter genius? Yeah that about does it. His writing is flawless. And my new amazing friend Pieequals36… her writing makes me look like an amateur, seriously. Plus we have some of the best pm-ing sessions where we fan girl over Nathan Kress and argue about the differences in our weather. Be sure to check out both of these amazing authors/people.

**Special shout out: **goes to WildPromegraniiit for the BIGGEST pimping of this here story on her profile. Thanx a million!

Chapter title comes from the song 'The Archers Bows Have Broken' by Brand New

[for a deeper look at my music taste, click the homepage link on my profile]


	9. Time means nothing at all

**I like to note it note it:** So I never went to college, and it is completely different over here compared to the states so I literally have no frame of reference. We don't even call it college, its university or uni as we like to shorten it. So if anything over the next few chapters is out of place college wise then... well actually I don't really give a tiny rats ass. If JK Rowling can create Hogwarts then I can create whatever the hell I want. Mmmkay? xD

**Disclaimer: **If I owned iCarly that Spam 'moment' would have just been a nightmare, a sick twisted gut churning nightmare.

**/**

**NINE:**

_**...me and myself, we have an ongoing war.**_

**/**

"Fredward Benson?"

I nearly died in my chair. The snickers alone causing my face to burn bright red. Was it appropriate to correct him, tell him to just call me Freddie? The damage I guess was done now; I would forever be known as Fredward, no matter what I did. Of course, I just had to be the first name called.

_Stupid fucking inconvenient alphabet._

"Present," I groaned.

More snickers. Maybe I should have said 'Here' or maybe just a 'Yeah' would have been better. Being the first called had two shitty side effects: I had no frame of reference for the socially accepted response and I had no idea if correcting a college professor would be frowned upon. I sank further into my chair, giving up altogether and just accepting my fate. The notion that I had about starting over, about changing my image and becoming someone new when I entered into college life was delusional and humorous at best; I knew that now.

"Dude. Why didn't you tell him to call you Freddie?" My roommate Justin said, nudging me, not so lightly with his elbow.

I simply shrugged and continued to twirl the pen in my hand as the professor proceeded with the roll call.

I'd met Justin at orientation on my first day. He'd arrived from San Francisco a few days prior and seeing his overbearing mother showering him with hugs, kisses and a list of rules caught my attention. I gave my sympathies and we spent the rest of the week comparing horrific mom stories. He enjoyed my sixteen years of tortuous tick baths and I enjoyed his eighteen years of underwear starching.

Identical upbringings aside, the guy was the complete opposite to me in every way; laid back, funny, confident and smart... just to round things off in a stomach churning, jealous kind of way. I couldn't hate him though, I doubt anyone could; he was just so breezy all the time, and probably the least judgmental person I'd ever met. Plus, he was the only friend I'd made so far, and I wasn't about to turn down company just because my ego was bruised. It was lucky I didn't end up with some dope smoking, tree hugging, tie dye wearing hippie as a roommate.

He actually reminded me a lot of-

"Justin Oakley?"

"Present."

Why did it have to sound so much cooler when he said it? There were no snickers for him; in fact I may have even heard one girl swoon. I rolled my eyes and shook my head as Justin began to list his favourite action movies off in order of preference. He'd decided that the best way to get to know each other would be to just list off all the things we liked in categories day by day. Today was favourite movies and he chose action first. Somewhere in between Die Hard and Indiana Jones and my obvious approval for his current list, the Professor called out a name I would never for the rest of my life be able to ignore.

"Samantha Puckett?"

That was the moment I swore I _actually_ died in my chair. I didn't hope or wait for a response because I knew there wouldn't be one. I'd not seen or heard from her in over a month, not a peep. Didn't really surprise me though, after the way we left things or more importantly, the way _she_ left things, I knew that was it. Friendship, or whatever the hell it was, over. That's not to say I was mad at her, I wasn't really anything at her anymore. I'd learned from Carly and Spencer that Sam was in Europe, obviously her desire for world domination trumping the allure of higher education. And that was as far as I went with that. It was Sam's life and she could choose to run it into the ground however she saw fit.

"Samantha Puckett?" The professor repeated, a little more forcefully.

I had to hold back every urge in my body to shoot out of my chair and announce that it was obvious she wasn't here just so I didn't have to keep hearing her name; but still filled with a touch of humiliation from before, I simply tried to drown it out when he repeated it a third time.

_Move on already old man._

I relaxed as soon as he'd passed that particular spot in the alphabet and turned my attention back to Justin's epically long list of action movies… but the name, her name resounded in my head, echoing off the walls in my mind. I really thought I was over that shit.

I suppressed a sigh and was able to immerse myself in the monotone voice of the professor.

* * *

The next three weeks flew by in a blur of classes and study, study and classes, and I loved every minute of it. I was made for college, parties and joining a fraternity aside, I really felt like I belonged here. Justin and I had cemented our friendship, bonding further over a two day in-depth discussion on the whole Star Wars franchise. He'd tried to drag me to a few parties here and there but I always declined and he never pushed, yet another reason for me to respect the guy further.

I'd just finished up a lengthy chat with Carly and was heading for class, English class, when that brand new overwhelming fear of said class encircled me. It had always been one of my best subjects, but I was beginning to dread it each and every time it came around. We'd had five classes so far and the Professor insisted on continuing with his completely pointless roll call in order to get to know his students better. Personally, I think it's just some kind of weird mentally derange power trip he has but whatever, it wasn't really the roll call I had a problem with at all. It was the apprehension of him calling her name that made me feel as though I would welcome a black hole to open up and suck me into nothingness.

I was more than content with continuing to pay Sam no mind, but having to hear her name and the kind of 'crickets chirping' silence that followed before every class was making me far too anxious. I was trying to move on and move forward and forget all the unpleasant occurrences of not only the summer but the years prior as well. This wasn't helping matters. I had half a mind to skip the class on more than one occasion but the need for keeping my GPA where it was outweighed that option, plus I'm just not the type of person to skip a class without valid reason. And I refused to believe that simply having to hear her name twice a week was a valid reason. I wouldn't let her win this time.

_That'll show her._

I strode into class and slipped into my regular seat at the front, arranging my books as the rest of the class filtered in. I was generally the first one there but in my peripheral I could see someone sitting up the back already, I didn't have time to get a good look before Justin came bounding in grabbing my complete attention.

"Dude you should have seen the new chicks taking the late admission orientation yesterday," he boasted as he slid into the seat beside me.

I laughed at his persistence, "You did orientation again? Wasn't it boring enough the first time?"

"Well yeah but one of us has gotta scope out the new talent, and what better way is there than mandatory orientation?" He sang.

Justin was hell bent on forgetting girlfriends past, in particular his long term high school girlfriend Elisha, who had dumped him rather ceremoniously, right before graduation. Apparently to her, college was the place for sexual growth and development and nothing more, meaning she wanted to have the freedom to screw as many guys as she could without something holding her back. Justin defended her behaviour by saying that she actually did him a favour; he would rather have been dumped in that fashion than be cheated on repeatedly while remaining clueless. I really couldn't voice much of an opinion on that, either option sounded completely fucked to me, no matter how you tried to spin it. Nothing seemed to bother him though.

I simply nodded and mirrored his smile, "So, who'd you find?"

"There were a few potentials. But it was this super cute blonde that caught my attention."

_Great, a blonde._

I tried to sound cheerful, "Oh yeah?" I also tried to look cheerful, raising my brows with interest, "You talk to her?"

"No," he stated as if that was it, "But I am gonna get her name from the list later, find out what classes she's taking and..." he trailed off suspiciously.

"And what? Stalk her?"

He grinned at me deviously, "I prefer to call it observe from afar."

I shook my head playfully, "Well whatever helps you sleep at night."

Justin laughed with an accepting nod.

Seeing the professor walk into class without his usual trusty roll call list in his hands gave me a small glimmer of hope, none of my other professors had continued to take names past the second lesson, maybe it took him a bit longer to catch on and the last time was in fact the last time. I caught myself smiling like a loon as I watched him prepare for class, the list still absent as far as I could tell.

"What is so fucking amusing? You look like the joker, except without the creepy makeup and obvious homicidal tendencies," Justin teased, nudging me out of my lunatic daze.

"He doesn't have his list," I think I almost shouted at him with excitement.

"Say what?" He asked, his face blank with confusion.

"The professor, he doesn't have his ridiculous list of names today." The grin I was wearing actually made my cheeks hurt.

Justin looked at me like I was in fact mental, "You're a strange one, Fred."

I laughed both in agreement and elation, that was until I saw the professor whip out his list from his briefcase like his life depended on it, a look of calm swept over his face once he had it in hand.

_Fuck my life._

"Fredward Benson?"

I rolled my eyes and with a grunt I answered, "Yeah."

I then tried as hard as I could, like every lesson before this one to drown out the rest of the names as they were announced. I flicked to the page towards the back of my notebook that I had been filling up with my absentminded scribbles over the last three weeks. Blue, red and black scribbles, boxes, lines, the iCarly logo and a bunch of random words filled the page; I began adding some green circles getting completely caught up in the blur of the images... for a while anyway.

"Samantha Puckett?"

My reverie was snapped and I inwardly groaned, the name piercing my ears as if shouted through a megaphone at close range. I was done, and so close to announcing at the top of my voice that he just needed to give it up already when-

"It's just Sam," came the abrupt, familiar voice from behind.

My gut sank, no it plummeted; like an anvil through the earth to its core for incineration.

_Did I really just hear that? Was she really back and what the hell was she doing here anyway?_

I dropped my pen and spun around quickly in something resembling shock and weird curiousness. I half expected to see an empty chair just like I had done for the last three weeks, but there she sat; in all her Sam 'I'm too bored for this nonsense' glory.

"Very well, Sam. Nice of you to finally join us."

"Oh, no sweat," she smirked sarcastically at the professor.

"Speak to me after class please."

And Sam just rolled her eyes with an unenthusiastic shrug.

I knew she could see me and I knew she could feel my fixed gaze likely burning her skin with the intensity of my disbelief that she was actually sitting there because she shifted awkwardly and returned her eyes to her lap.

"Dude that's her!" Justin whisper shouted to me with a firm grasp of my shoulder, obviously delighted.

I looked at him wide eyed, "That's the girl you were talking about?"

"Yes!" He replied, verging on hysterical. "Holy crap, this is so perfect," he finally said with a heavy sigh, removing his eyes from her and turning in his seat.

He was beaming with excitement and he looked as if he was concocting some kind of hair brained plan with each passing second. "How is this perfect?"

"Well, she's in this class, I know her name now, and I need a partner for that research paper because you're being all Miss. Independent," he paused to chuckle at his little insult, "She clearly won't have a partner for it… plus, she's missed the last five classes so she's bound to need a catch up tutor. The universe fucking loves me!"

If it was possible I sank further into my chair. I couldn't let on to the fact that all this was making me uneasy. What had happened over the summer wasn't something I wanted to share with anyone, much less Justin. Ignoring everything was working out just fine, until now of course. I could feel my perfect little college life bubble deflating around me, fast. I mean, really, what were the odds of this happening, that the girl who was the long time bane of my existence just happened to be the same girl my roommate had his eye on? I was smart, I should be able to figure that out, but I put it aside for later and just decided to continue with the charade as best I could.

"So you gonna go talk to her?"

"No," He shook his head formally, "This requires stealth."

I narrowed my eyes. "Stealth?"

"Yeah stealth. I'll get _her_ to approach _me_ by signing up to be a tutor for this class."

I was searching for a flaw in his plan. "And you call that stealth?"

"The professor needs to speak with her after class right? He'll give her my name and… the stars will align or some shit," he concluded with a wide grin. I could practically see the optimistic rays of sunshine beaming out from his ears as he said it.

I probably should have protested more, told him that I knew Sam and knew what she was like; but that would have lead into a detailed account of the last tumultuous ten years I'd spent being in Sam's company and I was glad not to dredge all that crap up right now. Besides, it would come out eventually if his little plan worked, which it would. This was Justin; things just fell into place for the guy.

Class ended an uncomfortable forty five minutes later and I'd decided in that time I would leave quickly, before she could, if only to put off the hostile reunion I knew was inevitable for just one more day. I flew out of the room, down the hall out into the quad and hot footed it back to my dorm feeling a little short on breath when I got there.

The universe might love Justin, but it certainly hated me. I failed to see what I had ever done to piss it off so much. Was it too late to transfer colleges? I was a college dean's wet dream, surely someone else would take me three weeks into the semester. Maybe I could defer for one year? My mother would just love that, and I'd be forced to move back in with her.

_So not an option._

I rubbed my eyes vigorously as I walked through our dorm and into my bedroom dropping down backwards onto my bed with an exhausted huff. Time and even distance hadn't changed a thing, not a fucking thing! She was doing it again, messing with my head by just her presence alone. The last month or so was like a holiday, like a beautiful oasis in the middle of nowhere, one I and my mind would like to get back to.

I lay there staring at the ceiling for who knows how long, my nerves in a full on frenzy. I started to feel anxious when Justin didn't come through the door soon after me. Did that mean he'd decided just to talk to her straight out? Perhaps he was bringing her back to the dorm right away, or they'd gone to get a drink or something together. They would have exchanged high school stories no doubt; Sam would mention Ridgeway and Justin would put two and two together, head straight over here and hit me with one hundred questions I didn't want to answer about Sam.

_Ugh. Tomorrow we're signing up for that psychology class, you tool._

I bolted upright and headed for the door, I really needed some air or just to not be here when she came barreling through the door. Nearly crashing into Justin on the way out, he didn't seem to notice my panicked state, brushing past me dumping his bag on the mattress we were using for a couch.

"She's on her way," He smiled at me, any wider and I was sure his face would crack.

"Like right now?" I asked, a fresh new set of panicked nerves hitting the surface.

"Well in about ten minutes I guess. The professor wanted to talk to her for a minute."

"Have you spoken to her yet?"

"Nah I gave him my details and got the hell out of there," he mumbled as he quickly began hiding clothes, magazines and dvd's all over the place in an attempt to 'clean up'.

I watched him move around the room like a maniac, shoving things into drawers and setting up his books in some kind of organised chaos. "What took you so long then?"

"I stopped at the vending machines for some Fatcakes, Butterfingers and a couple of sodas."

_Well damn._

Of course he picked up Fatcakes, why would he pick up anything else? It was almost as if Justin had the ability to predict the future, or in this case pre determine the perfect snacks to win a girl like Sam's affections. The mere sound of a Fatcake wrapper being opened sent her heart and saliva ducts into overdrive, she'd bend to his every will if the promise of those disgusting sugary treats were involved.

Justin pulled his shirt up to his nose and gave it a sniff, "Damn, I gotta go change my shirt and put on some deodorant or some shit. You got any decent smelling crap that girls flip their lid over?" He asked as he headed for his room.

"No. Sorry," I lied, I'm not sure why. I had a perfectly good bottle of Diesel in my room, one that Sam had given me for my birthday because she was sick of me smelling like a sack of wet socks apparently. Diesel being the only acceptable smell for her nose, I only wore it to shut her up.

I stood there for a few seconds looking around the room not sure what the hell to do. If I left now I'd probably run into her in the hallway, our dorm being at the very end of the hall suddenly becoming way too inconvenient in a situation like this. I could just retreat to my room and avoid this whole reunion completely; the irony that she was again exiling me to my room didn't fail to register.

I didn't really have time to choose an option before the knock came; it seemed louder, almost as if she was using a mallet. I drew in a deep breath and gathered all the confidence I could muster in the five seconds I had before she would no doubt pick the lock or just pound on the door until it fell off its hinges. I opened it slowly, almost cautiously as if I was scared or something. Which I wasn't, that's ridiculous. She stood there looking as bored as ever, not paying any attention and closely studying the piece of paper in her hand; the one with Justin's details on it.

"Yeah, I'm looking for someone called Justin Oak-" She looked up and her eyes widened with horror when she realised it was me at the door. I gave her a bored unenthused smirk. With her mouth agape she finally snapped, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"I live here," I replied flatly, trying my hardest to appear as bored as she was.

After a few moments of stunned silence she pointed an incredulous finger at me, "_You're_ this Justin guy's roommate?"

"Yep."

"Peachy," Sam rolled her eyes, pushing her way into the room and dumping her things to the ground with pure aggravation. "So where is this nerd?"

"I prefer knowledge Nazi," Justin emerged from his room all smiley, extending his hand for her to shake, "Hi I'm Justin, nice to meet you."

Sam just glared at his hand for a few seconds before reluctantly accepting his nice gesture. "Yeah, hi Justine, let's just get this over with."

"Well, step into my office," Justin smiled at her, gesturing towards the coffee table where he had the snacks and his books set up.

Sam groaned loudly making herself comfortable on the couch/mattress and I took that as my cue to retreat to my room. I wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of leaving my dorm just because she was here, I had heaps of studying to do; so with my physics book and iPod in hand I was able to drown out any distractions coming from the other room. I got lost for a while, for almost two hours actually. I'd nearly forgotten about the situation in the other room and the likelihood of it turning even more awkward at any moment when that normally calming silence between songs wasn't so silent anymore.

I could hear laughter, hysterical laughter, coming from the other side of my bedroom door. That type of laughter from Sam was never a good sign. I quickly shut off my iPod and flew out into the other room to find Sam practically rolling on the floor in a fit of giggles and Justin engrossed with something on his computer screen.

"Oh hey man," Justin managed to choke out between laughs when he finally noticed me standing behind him.

I didn't look at him, I just watched myself on his computer screen walk into Ridgeway donned from head to toe in a complete clown costume. They had the video on a loop or something. Mortified didn't even begin to cover it.

"I guess this is why you didn't tell me you knew her huh?" He asked, trying his best to control the laughter.

I offered no response, storming off to my room again, leaving them to enjoy my humiliation.

* * *

I woke up the next morning iPod still in my hand and headphones still firmly attached to my ears. I'd used it to ignore the continuing laughter and snickers and just general chit chat that went into the late hours of the night from my so called friend and the blonde headed she demon.

I did all my usual morning ritual stuff and headed for class, glad to not have English on my timetable today. That would have just been the pickle on top of the giant crap sandwich that was my week.

Computer Science followed by Physics provided a great distraction for most of the day, that was until I left the library and saw her in the hall talking to some knuckle dragging football jock likely inviting her to his 'fully sick' keg party later tonight.

_Go back to the zoo you big ape!_

I stepped out into the hall, weaving my way through other students and came up beside her just as the neanderthal was heading in the other direction.

"Hey," she said dully as she walked by me, not hiding the fact that she was hoping I wouldn't follow. I fell into step with her.

"Have a nice little chat with Justin last night, huh?" I asked, kind of sharply.

"I can't control what your boyfriend asks me, Benson," she retorted sarcastically.

"Boyfr- That's not eve- I don't-" I stuttered and then gave her my best cold stare, "That is so not funny."

She laughed, of course. "Why so defensive?"

I studied her for a minute, my eyes narrowing with sheer annoyance, "I am not feeding into this."

"Ooooh, grown a pair over the last few weeks have we?" She cooed, obviously baiting me and enjoying every single moment.

I ignored her. "Speaking of the last few weeks, why are you back, anyway? Thought you were just dying live out your rebel without a cause fantasy and see the world." I sang the last part hoping she would get the subtext.

"Saw it I did."

"And?"

"And what?"

"Why come back?"

"I didn't _come_ back," she paused, her lips curling into a playful smirk, "I was forced."

A million thoughts ran through my mind, CIA, FBI, European Embassy, a burley drug lord named Moose, any or all of these being a possibility when it came to Sam.

"By?" I questioned somewhat hesitantly.

"Vikings," She bit her lip to keep the laughter from escaping.

I should never expect a straight answer from her, she just always had to be so fucking infuriating. "Why are you back, Sam?"

"I already told you."

"And you expect me to believe that crap?" I spat at her, almost literally.

Sam shrugged her shoulders, keeping her eyes trained in front of us. "Not my problem if you don't."

"Well, what the hell is your problem then?"

Another tired shrug. "Don't have one."

"Oh right yeah I forgot, you're always problem free," I stated both sarcastically and dramatically as I quickened my pace and walked ahead of her. I'd had enough, I didn't want to talk to her anymore.

"Well clearly you're the one with the problem here," She shouted to my back now as I moved further away.

I spun around and walked backwards a scathing smile on my face, I wasn't going to let her get the better of me this time, "Oh yeah? And what problem would that be?"

"Your dorm is that way," She pointed back the way we'd come and then smirked, moving straight past me.

_Shit._

**/**

**A/N:** Isn't the tension delicious? Or at least I hope it was. That's what I was going for. I told you all that things weren't going to be resolved quickly, and I know you're all just dying for Freddie to throw her down but the build up is half of the... well foreplay if you think about it. Do me a solid and review yeah? xD

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

Chapter title comes from the song 'Time Means Nothing at All' by Lisa Mitchell


	10. Why can't we overcome this wall?

**Observe the note in all its glory:** Okay, Okay, Okay you can all put down the pitchforks, machetes, bazookas and… wait… is that… are those… voodoo dolls, really guys? Well I never! I'm here, yeah it took me close to two months (minus like, a day) but I am here, and I have a great excuse. Ya huh, it's truly brilliant and amazing, and far from lame. Yeop it's the worlds best excuse, it's… oh what do you lot care about the excuse I have really? How about I just appease you all with my longest chapter yet, sound good?

**Disclaimer: **If I owned iCarly it wouldn't have been a meatball that Freddie shot through Sam's legs... know what I'm sayin?

**/**

**TEN:**

_**...Maybe it's just because I didn't know you at all.**_

**/**

It's confounding how we come to know the people in our lives in stages. I'd never noticed it before, never had reason to I guess. Now it was glaringly obvious, no longer was Sam the bully, the co-host, the mutual friend of the girl I loved, the cause of my hormonal summer confusion; she was a stranger, a shell of the girl I once knew.

For ten years she'd been the thorn in my side and pain in my ass, making sure she got under my skin at every opportunity, almost like it was her supreme life duty handed down by a higher power or something. Now she acted as if I didn't exist, like she could walk right through me and not even think twice about it.

That wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't being subjected to her indifference on a daily basis; she was pretty much in my face all the time, classic Sam style. And as cruel, sadistic irony would have it she was still getting under my skin.

_You really should have seen this coming. Dumbass._

Sam was smart, calculating, vindictive, and knew exactly what she was doing… and god damn it, it was working! Yeah, so the days of her pranks, name calling, and just general hostility towards me were non-existent now. I should be thrilled, elated, bouncing off the walls, but I wasn't… because none of that meant she wasn't still managing to royally piss me off.

In any other situation, with any other girl, with any other human being for that matter, I might be able to take this whole 'ignore Freddie' game like man and just ignore her right back, but Sam is about as subtle as a sledge hammer in everything she does. She was always at the dorm, couching, fondling the remote, eating all our food, ignoring the hell out of me, except of course for the occasional 'hey' and monosyllable grunt she managed. And just to top all that off she made sure I was around to hear all her clever little 'nick names' that were reserved for Justin now. They were as ridiculous as expected: 'Justine', 'Justin-case', 'Justin-time', 'This-Just-in'.

Irk didn't even begin to cover it.

The only relief I got was in my four other classes that didn't host Sam and on Sundays when she'd disappear, to where I had no idea; most likely hooking up with a bunch of junkies or bikers or sewer monkeys or perhaps all three. I'd really not given it much thought.

This was just another one of her immature little games I was sure of it; just another opportunity for her to bask in the thrill of my misfortune. There wasn't a chance in blue hell that she wasn't doing this on purpose, I refused to believe that. If she truly wanted to cut me out of her life she wouldn't have returned from Europe, right?

_Right?_

Carly had been of no help to me over the last two months, aside from the fact that we'd barely spoken, whenever we did there was little to no mention of Sam and a quick subject change when I mentioned her. So the reason behind Sam's abrupt return was still a mystery but I really didn't need the truth anyway, I knew why she was back; revenge. Simple as that, Sam never backs away from a fight, that was the only plausible reason and I was sticking with it.

I honestly don't know which version of Sam I hated more, or which stage of her toxic personality was worse, and that's not even the truly fucked up part. In some really sick twisted way I was missing the old Sam, the high spirited zany sixteen year old girl who would put me down and mock me mercilessly day after day… yeah, I was actually missing that.

_You need help; professional help._

Coffee would have to suffice for now. I threw myself out of bed stumbled across the room and out the door. The morning called for a much stronger caffeine hit than instant could provide so I set up all the necessary things I needed for a coffee transfusion and leant against the wall resting my eyes. I was exhausted. After a few seconds of peace I heard a few muffled complaints followed by a thud coming from Justin's room before the door clicked and I opened my eyes.

There was Sam in nothing but jeans and a pink bra; her book bag, black shirt and red Converse in hand, hair in an infuriatingly fetching matted mess. My jaw dropped and I was momentarily stunned, never having seen Sam in just her bra before paralysed me with some weird combination of aroused fear... I'd never seen any girl in just her bra before, at least not live, right in front of my eyes.

I watched as she crept out of Justin's room, obviously trying to make use of her pointless invisible ninja training and not draw any attention to herself, closing the door as carefully as she could. Sam turned around and took one step before she noticed me still leaning against the wall eyeballing her. My jaw clenched shut as she took in my very shirtless appearance, her eyes lingered on my bare chest before she snapped them up to meet my own gaze.

Her face fell flat and she gave a tired smirk. "Freddie," she stated in that professional uncaring tone she'd picked up over the last two months.

My eyes narrowed as she made no attempt to cover herself up and casually walk across the room towards the door without an ounce of shame. She just had to throw that in my face didn't she? I bet she knew I'd be awake to witness her walk of shame or 'walk of fame' as she would no doubt call it. Whatever, the message was clear, I was the loser of the dorm, there always had to be one, and Justin was the stud. Well I'd pretty much already resigned to that fate so the joke was on her.

_Yeah! Sam and her stupid hot pink bra with stupid tiny blue bows on the shoe string straps... and the way the colour contrasted with her pale skin, and the way the blue bows matched her eyes, and the way that freckle on her shoulder blade was... since when did Sam like pink anyway?_

I was pissed off, more than pissed off, and coming to the end of my rapidly fraying rope. If she was going to pretend like I didn't exist then I was going to make things unbearable for her too... I was going to bate her until she snapped.

_Good plan._

"Classy," I eventually spat, forcing her to stop dead in her tracks and turn around to face me slowly.

_HA! Take that!_

I gave her an evil smirk, knowing that she'd take the bait, as I waited for the inevitable scathing reply, but she just looked at me with bored eyes, "We were studying," she said calmly.

I scoffed, "If that's what you want to call it," I again spat at her as I poured my coffee, there was no way I believed that load of crap.

"Well we were," she retorted flatly.

"_You_ don't study, so it's pretty obvious what was really going on."

She stared at me with a hopeless 'I give up' expression and shrugged, "Yeah I guess it is," she said so calmly she might as well be dead, before walking through the door and closing it with a timid click, and not her signature 'Sam Slam' like I expected.

I blinked a couple of times to make sure I was awake. Then an odd sense of finality washed over me when I realised this was in fact reality. So this was really it then, Sam was truly just done with me? After a performance like that I should be without a few fingers, or an arm, be bleeding from the head, or at least have a few bruises to show for it. I had nothing.

I don't know how long I stared at the back of the door, could have been seconds, could have been minutes, could have been an hour; time seemed to stand still while my brain tried to refute the obvious.

I was almost literally knocked out of my daze when Justin tore out of his room in a panic.

"Shit I am so late," he shouted.

"For?"

"My flight," he replied out of breath as he threw things around the room in search of something. "You know, Thanksgiving with my mental family," he continued.

I shook my head to clear it, "Oh yeah, right. Thanksgiving. Slipped my mind." As stupid as it sounds, I'd somehow managed to completely forget about Thanksgiving all of ten minutes ago while I was busy being pissed at a half naked Sam as she left the dorm.

_Damn it._

"UGH! Where the fuck is my wallet?" Justin bellowed as he threw cushion after cushion around the room. The guy was as disorganised as… well as disorganised as Sam.

I watched him for a few minutes as he grew more and more frustrated. I could have helped but apparently I was a little pissed at him. Okay more than a little pissed. I needed answers, and I was sick of tip-toeing around the subject.

"So I assume Sam will be joining you and your family this year?" I blurted.

"Huh?" He asked in some kind of weird panicked confusion.

"Sam, she'll be going with you to San Francisco right?" I pushed hoping he'd sense the tone. Trying to have a serious conversation with Justin at any time was taxing, why I had to pick this moment when he was clearly distracted was beyond me.

"Why the hell would you assume that?" Justin asked, almost incredulous, never giving up in the desperate search for his wallet.

"Well it's just... I mean you guy's... she's always..." I was stuttering and gesturing stupidly with my arms, annoyed that he was going to make me spell it out to him, "She just came out of your room half dressed at 6.30 in the morning," I finished, more annoyed than I would have liked.

Justin paused for a second as he removed his wallet from its location inside the cushion cover, a look of amused curiosity playing on his face. "Yeah well we were up pretty much all night working on her web design assignment," He answered casually, placing his wallet in his back pocket and walking over to me, "And then she whipped out a bottle of..."

"Web design?" I cut him off.

"Yupp."

"And she asked for your help?"

"Yeah, she really wants to get an A so she ask..."

"Sam wants to get an A?" I cut him off again, growing more confused.

"That's what I said," He verified.

I could feel my perfectly crafted veil of composure starting to crumble. Yeah, Sam was irritating the shit out of me with her blasé nonchalance but I didn't want anyone else to know that. For anyone else to know that I was weak and pathetic and being mentally mind fucked by a 120 pound tormenting genius, cleverly disguised as a harmless teenage girl.

Sam's never cared about grades in her entire life, and she'd certainly never wanted to get an A before, what the hell had changed… what exactly had I been missing?

"So, she asked for your help, then she comes out of your room half naked looking like she'd been on her back all night, and now you're telling me she wants to get an A?" I had to stop myself from shouting the question at him, even if it was rhetorical. It felt like my brain was melting inside my skull, oozing down my spinal cord, this was all far too much to comprehend in one morning.

There were a few seconds of silence as I paced around in a slow circle staring into thin air.

"Why does it feel like I'm being interrogated here?" He asked, voice thick with concern. I couldn't tell if it was concern for my well being or his safety, at this point it was anyone's guess.

"Huh?" I mumbled, finally looking up to see him giving me a 'what the fuck' expression.

"Seriously, get out the interrogation lamp why don't ya?" He joked, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

Justin already thought I was more than just a bit strange and hadn't asked for a new roommate yet, so I wasn't really losing any high opinion points with my schizophrenic behaviour. If it were anyone else I'd have been sent packing by now for sure. I gave him a light chuckle and decided to continue with my questioning, he was the only one who could give me any answers and I was desperate for some.

"So I guess this means you two are…" I trailed off, my tone finishing the question for me.

"Are what?"

I sighed in frustration, "How are you not getting this?"

"I have no idea wh…" He stopped, a look of intense shock hitting his face as he realised what I was asking, "Oh! You thought I was sleeping with her?"

I paused for a second, unsure of how exactly to answer that question. "Well yeah, what else am I supposed to think?" I finally said.

"Dude we're just friends," he laughed casually.

I had no reason to doubt his words, and despite the bizarre instant relief I felt that small hint of disbelief I had still managed to surface. "Seriously?" I asked.

"Could not be more cereal," he sang with a nod and gave me a reassuring smirk. "She just needs a friend right even if I was interested."

"And she told you this?"

Justin looked at me sincerely, "She didn't have to."

Was there some kind of hidden message in there I was supposed to pick up on? I didn't have time to question him before he was swinging his backpack over his shoulder heading for the door.

"Listen I gotta go before my mom has a stroke, I told her I'd call her when I got to the airport which was supposed to be a half hour ago," He said, looking at his watch. "Happy Thanksgiving, man."

"Yeah, you too," I muttered, sure that he wouldn't have heard me over the sound of the door slamming.

I sat with my coffee at my desk trying to decompress the morning I had. I suppose a double shot espresso followed by a latte wasn't really the best idea, it wasn't even seven o'clock yet and my mind was racing. Racing with images of half naked Sam leaving Justin's room, racing with the idea that she _wasn't_ in fact sleeping with him, and racing with the thought of Thanksgiving. I needed to start getting ready to head over to Spencer's but I just sat there, idly wondering if Sam would be making an appearance this year.

Carly couldn't make it out of London to join us this year, plus Sam had her own life now, that was undeniable. Surely she wouldn't want to spend her Thanksgiving in a place that held so many, now very distant, happy memories... surely she wouldn't want to spend it living in the past.

_Would she?_

* * *

Arriving at Spencer's I took a moment to compose myself, forcing a fake sense of calm to the surface. If I entered looking like I felt there would be questions, ones I didn't want to answer. All I wanted was to enjoy this holiday as best I could.

I took a deep breath and knocked twice on the door. I barely had to wait ten seconds before it flew open.

I'd heard nothing but glowing reports of Spencer's new live in girlfriend Michelle for the last three months, he was about as excited as a jackhammer over this girl. I knew it was her instantly and the physical description he gave me of long wavy dark hair and intense hazel green eyes confirmed it, not to mention the happiness and optimism that bounced right off her. I immediately saw Spencer's appeal; she was gorgeous and her natural happy aura was intoxicating.

"Freddie!" She beamed, "So nice to finally put a face to all the stories, come on in."

"Michelle, right?" I questioned as I entered the familiar apartment.

"That's me," she replied joyfully.

"Freddie, you made it!" Spencer announced animatedly from the kitchen, waving a sharp knife at me.

He was donned with a large white chef's hat and matching apron. In front of him were several bowls filled with all different varieties and colours of candy, and in the middle, the turkey. My mind immediately went back a few years to when Spencer had mentioned his idea of combining thanksgiving dinner with thanksgiving desert.

My stomach made some very weird, very audible sound, "Hey, Spencer," I gulped and turned to Michelle hesitantly, "He's not doing what I think he's doing is he?" I whispered.

She put her arm around my shoulder and turned me away from the kitchen, "I'm letting him have his fun, but there's a turkey cooking over at your mom's place," she whispered back to me with a wink.

I smiled.

"Let me introduce you," She said as she dragged me over to behind the sofa. On the floor sat a small strawberry blonde girl, Michelle's daughter obviously, she was deeply immersed in a book and unaware of anything going on around her.

"Abby this is Freddie," she stopped for a response, "Abby?" She asked a little firmly, "Abby!"

"Yeah?" Abby replied slowly, never looking up from her book.

"This is Freddie, won't you say hello?"

"Hello Freddie," she said in that way all six year old girls do, still never removing her eyes from the book in her lap.

I smiled at her carefree demeanour. "Nice to meet you." She hummed in acknowledgement, and I couldn't help but let out a small chuckle.

Michelle laughed with me and then continued, "So that was Abby, and Ty is..." She trailed off looking around the room, "Abby where's Ty?"

Abby let out a small sigh, "He's upstairs with his giiiiiiiiiiirlfriend," she teased.

"Oh, right of course," She laughed at her forgetfulness, "He must be watching a movie with Sam. I guess you'll meet him later."

My bad mood returned instantly. I guess I should have expected her to be here, but that wishful thinking feature of mine has no off switch.

"Sam's here?" I asked, trying to keep the apprehension out of my voice.

"Of course! She's been such a great friend for Ty," She said with a smile, but I could see some kind of anguish behind her eyes. Immediately Spencer moved into the living room placing a comforting arm over Michelle's shoulder.

Spencer had given me some background info on Michelle and her kids about a week ago, and warned me that there were definitely some high emotions. Spencer met Michelle's son Ty, four months ago after he'd run away for about the third time. He was in desperate need of a strong male role model since his father, Michelle's husband, had died fighting in Afghanistan three years ago, right on Ty's 7th birthday, and Ty wasn't coping too well. Spencer, being the greatest man child alive, took to him immediately, and finding his mom was a total hottie was just, "a super sweet bonus", Spencer claimed.

"I just figured she'd be able to help the kids with the transition a bit better," he said with a wink.

And with that wink I made the obvious connection. Sam shared the similar horrific experience of losing her father at a young age, she wouldn't have hesitated in helping the kids out, not even for a second.

_So she's not dead inside._

Once again I was in awe of Spencer and his ability to be a mature level headed adult when a tough situation presented itself. He obviously knew about Sam's dad and would have dropped a few subtle hints here and there, making sure she was the one to come up with the idea of befriending Michelle's son and not himself. For a dude with such an off centre personality and so many stupid and completely reckless ideas, he really did have his shit together. I envied him.

I sat in the living room, partaking in my mandatory social duties, a quick get to know you with Michelle, a tad of reminiscing with Spencer. I was surprised to hear just how much Michelle knew about me actually, things that Spencer couldn't possibly know and things that wouldn't have come from Sam, she had to have been speaking with Carly.

I sat there for as long as I could take it, until curiosity got the better of me and I excused myself, making my way up the familiar stairs.

I made it to the third level and I stood outside the studio for a few minutes; a thousand now seemingly tainted memories rushing through my mind like feral waves. How I even opened the door I'll never know, it closed with a click and I held my breath.

There Sam sat in her usual haphazard beanbag lounging way, Ty in the yellow one next to her. She looked up at me from her beanbag in surprise, her face instantly dropping into a look of pure boredom, one that she had mastered to all new levels over the last two months, as she acknowledged my presence.

Ty spun around with an annoyed expression on his face sizing me up with his eyes. "Who are you?" He shot.

"I'm Freddie, a friend of…" I trailed off looking over at Sam and then back to Ty, I wasn't sure who's friend I was anymore, "Um, Spencer's," I finally said burying my hands in my pockets, "You must be Ty."

"That's my name, don't wear it out."

_Typical ten year old._

"Well it's nice to meet you," I said, trying to keep my voice light.

"Yeah, yeah either sit down, shut up and watch the movie or get out," he said, waving an annoyed arm at me.

"Charming," I mumbled.

"Shhhhhhh!" Ty pointed to the screen, "Movie."

I rolled my eyes and took a few steps towards them, it was then that I realised the room's only vacant beanbag was immediately to Sam's left. My stomach churned a little and my feet felt as if they were glued to the ground.

_What the hell am I even doing up here?_

I couldn't back out now, how would it look if I just turned around and went back downstairs to where the air was light, only to feel just as uneasy? I'd look insane and I'd look like a coward with my tail between my legs. So drawing all the conviction my body could muster I did my best impression of a casual walk towards the beanbag. I gave it a little kick to the left in an attempt to give myself some more breathing room, but when I plopped down onto my stomach I still felt more than suffocated. Less than a minute later I was all but shocked to find a bowl of popcorn shoved underneath my nose, I dumbly shook my head because it was all I could really manage and Sam just pulled it back to her lap, never having taken her eyes off the screen.

The room was dark, except of course from the flashing lights coming from the television. She just had to look so... appealing... so... _alluring_ sitting there in the dim light didn't she? The way the flashing lights from the movie made her hair seem more golden than blonde, and the way the light danced across her face, she looked almost majestic. I desperately tried to readjust but no matter how much I moved I still caught her, all of her, in my peripheral.

_Terrific._

"So, what are we watching?" I exclaimed, probably a little too enthusiastic. I was trying to keep myself preoccupied.

"The Goonies... duuuh," Ty heckled.

"Oh," I breathed, with a small nod.

I instantly looked over at Sam, she hadn't moved an inch, eyes till riveted to the television. I waited for some kind of reaction from her, the weight this particular movie now held for the both of us couldn't be ignored. But she didn't move, I don't think she even blinked. She grabbed a hand full of popcorn and shoved it in her mouth as casually and, at the same time, as ferociously as she ever has.

"You seen it before?" Ty asked, snapping me out of my bemusement.

I blinked a few times and then realised I needed to respond, "No ahh actually I-I haven't," I stuttered returning my eyes to the movie.

"Sucks to be you then," he laughed, and I ignored him.

Silence. Despite the noise emitting from the television to me it felt muted, dull, lifeless.

The tension was suffocating, and the worst part, I couldn't even tell if she was as uncomfortable as I was. Uncomfortable situations are always better when you're not alone, being the only one feeling like you're walking on broken glass makes you even more anxious, I should know.

I'd never been great at assessing Sam's moods but I was definitely better than this, at least at one point in time anyway. She seemed so completely unfazed, so casual, but I knew the real Sam was in there somewhere, I just had to provoke her enough until she cracked.

"Ugh, I need more popcorn," Sam groaned, letting her head fall to the back of the beanbag.

There wasn't a moment of hesitation before Ty flew out of his seat, grabbed the bowl and shouted, "I'll get it for you!"

"Thanks kid, want me to pause?"

"Nah it's cool, I'll be back," he hummed at her and was out the door.

Now was my chance, Ty would be gone for a solid three minutes, if not more.

_Plenty of time._

I swallowed thickly, trying to reduce the amount of uncomfortable air that was swirling all around me, it was futile but it helped. Or at least I thought it would.

"Justin tells me you're designing a web page," I blurted. If my sudden words startled her she didn't show it, still never moving an inch.

"Yep," She added, popping the p.

"And apparently you really want to get an A," I said bitterly.

"Uh-huh."

I wasn't getting any kind of reaction from her, that annoyed me. "Doesn't seem like you to wanna do well in class. Its never been a priority for you before," I added sarcastically.

"Didn't know I had to fit into some 'Freddie approved' Sam mould," She said, using sarcastic air quotes around the words _Freddie approved_. "I'll keep that in mind," She finished flatly.

"You don't, that's… that's not what I meant," I conceded.

Sam took a deep breath and sighed, "Okay."

I looked at her with wide eyes, my face now burning with pure annoyance. "Okay? That's it?" I paused, "Just okay?" I yelled uncontrollably.

She shrugged finally looking at me for the first time since I'd entered the room, "What?"

I shifted in the beanbag so I was now facing her at eye level. "Why are you doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"Acting like a fucking robot?"

"_I_ am not acting like anything. _I_ am calmly watching the movie," She retorted slowly, turning to face the television once again.

What exactly was I trying to accomplish here? When I really thought about it, what the hell was I doing? I'd been wishing for the day that Sam would stop with her physical and verbal abuse and here it was, dangling in my face like a carrot but I wasn't eating it. If anything I'd ripped the carrot off the string, spat it out, kicked it back into the dirt where it belonged and walked away.

Is there a treatment for masochistic behaviour? Because apparently, I'm a stage 5 terminal patient.

I brought back the bitter tone with brutality, "Didn't peg you as the babysitting type."

"Didn't know I had a type," She said with an unenthusiastic shrug.

"You hate kids, so why these kids?" I asked, adding a suggestive tone to my voice.

"It's a favour for Spencer," Sam responded dully.

"A favour?"

"Yeah."

I searched her face for answers but she wouldn't look at me. She wasn't giving me anything, not a thing. She was just sitting there, blankly looking at the screen.

"No other reason?" I hedged.

_Come on Sam, give me something._

She pursed her lips and set her cold blue eyes on me, "Should there be?"

Her face just sort of hung there for a second with a jaded kind of look to it, before she recovered and looked back towards the screen.

She knew exactly what I meant, and I felt it too. It didn't matter how hard I tried not to, I did. It was that same feeling I got when the subject of her father had last come between us. Only this time she wasn't telling me to stop, so I could do it. I could bring up the obvious similarities that she and Ty shared. I could dredge it all up again, everything about her father, and tell her that I knew why she had agreed to this.

I could do it, and I honestly think I felt horrible about that.

"What?" Sam rebuked, jerking her head back to look at me after a minute.

Okay so maybe I had been staring, but it had been completely subconscious while I tried to remind myself why I thought this was a good idea in the first place.

"Nothing," I muttered.

I was almost certain that she would scoff or maybe even roll her eyes and turn back to the movie, but she didn't. She just kept looking back at me, and it took me a minute or so to realise that I had every opportunity to do one of those things myself, to look away, to scoff, to even leave the room, but I didn't.

Everything just kind of slipped away and faded into the background, the walls, the piercing silence, and I felt fifteen again... out on that fire escape staring into the same set of vulnerable blue eyes that I was now.

So what was I going to do? Kiss her? I could, it would be possible to do that again, and it would be just as easy as the first time, just as simple to close that space between us and forget everything. Forget all the words and walls between us, and the things I was never supposed to know. But a kiss doesn't erase anything and it shouldn't be like this, I shouldn't even be thinking of it like this.

I should be looking away, I should be heading down those stairs and never looking back because it hurt too much like this. I really wish I knew what I was trying to tell her, and even more, I wish I knew what she was trying to tell me.

The need for me to do something or say something was almost visible, and I think I cracked under the pressure. I thought about everything, about the fight at my apartment, the fight at the party, the month she'd been in Europe and how I wondered if she was dead, and of course the last two months that she'd spent treating me like _I_ was dead to her. All of it surfaced, everything... all the animosity I held towards Sam surfaced and spilled out of me.

"You know it's funny that you even agreed to an 'arrangement' like this," I was staring at her boastfully now.

"Funny how?"

The adrenaline was pumping through my veins, making my breathing and heartbeat erratic. "Funny because three months ago the idea of someone looking out for another person was a crime to you."

Her eyes flashed with what seemed like suppressed anger, and I think I saw her physically soothe that anger before she responded. "Well," She turned her face back to the screen, and for a moment the room went darker as the movie changed scenes, "Unlike some people I'm not doing it just to get into somebody's pants."

And there it was, that chip I'd been hacking at all day, the one I'd been hoping to find for the last two months. Her indifference was finally dissolving.

"You're really going to throw that in my face?" I asked, getting up out of the beanbag in the hopes of creating more confidence for myself, and maybe even gaining some power over her.

But I was stupid to think that Sam wouldn't do the same and just remain seated so that I could tear pieces off her, Sam loved a challenge. The second she stood up to face me the air in the room became icy, forcing a cold shudder down my spine.

"You're the one that brought it up," She snapped raising her voice.

"Yeah, to see if I could get some kind of normal reaction from you!" I shouted.

"Why are you so desperate for me to be reacting a certain way?"

"I'm not; I just want to know why... why you're acting like this!"

The words left my mouth and swirled in the air, bounced back and reverberated in my ears... and I knew. At that very moment, I knew. I'd probably known all along but I was just too damn proud to admit it. I had broken her.

Me.

This was all my fault, _all_ of it, and I really needed to hear her say it. I needed to hear her tell me how much of a jerk I was and how I'd ruined everything. I needed her to get so angry that she would scream at the top of her lungs right in my face just how much she hated me; because anything, even pure hatred was better than this, better than this cold, blank, nothing she felt towards me.

"Why do you even care?"

I took a step closer to her and steadied my voice, "Because I know you, and I know that this isn't you."

She swallowed audibly, taking in my words and she was silent for a minute, the longest fucking minute of my life it felt like. "You don't know a damn thing about me, so stop pretending like you do," She spat, menacingly.

I tried to object but nothing came out, instead I took a step back and buried my hands deep in my pockets, shocked to realise that what she had said caused me physical pain. The sound of Ty bursting through the studio door jarred us both and we took another step away from each other.

"Spencer said that dinner was almost ready and I couldn't have more popcorn, I made some anyway," He announced, full of pride.

"I gotta go," Sam choked out, rushing for the door. I tried to chase after her but Ty stood between me and the doorway giving me a look that I was sure could melt stone.

"What did you say to her?"

"Me? Nothing," I defended, somewhat pathetically.

"Well she was fine before you showed up!" He shouted, pointing a hateful finger at me.

_Story of my life._

I pushed past him and ran down the stairs, no real plan of any kind, just pure desperation. I stopped abruptly at the second platform when I saw Michelle having what looked like a sincere word with Sam while she put on her jacket ready to escape through the door.

My respectful behaviour function kicked in and I decided not to interrupt, instead I hid behind the wall and stretched my ears so I could hear what they were saying. Okay, so maybe I wasn't being _that_ respectful at all, but I really couldn't care less at this point.

"You're going to Dale's aren't you?" Michelle asked.

_What? Dale... seriously?_

Sam didn't give a response, she didn't have to, it was obvious.

Michelle nodded, "Well you know how I feel about that, so I won't lecture you again," She said with a disapproving yet sympathetic smirk. "Spencer will be crushed you're not staying for dinner, you know?"

"He already knows I didn't plan on eating here," Sam replied softly.

"What about…" she trailed off suspiciously, "You know, the ahh... the situation?"

Sam simply gave Michelle a hopeless look and bit her lip. I felt sick.

"You know you can't keep this game up forever," Michelle offered, placing both hands on Sam's shoulders.

Sam let out a heavy sigh laced with defeat. "I gotta go," she finally said.

I took that as the perfect moment and finished my way down the stairs, as fast and as equally casual as I could. I moved closer to her but stopped about three feet away, all of a sudden unsure of what to do with my hands, my feet, even my face. I kind of just ended up blinking at her. I knew I needed to say something; just a small attempt to make things right; to try and ease some of the pain that I'd caused. I opened my mouth to say something, but once again I was interrupted by Ty barrelling down the stairs. He flew right past me and over to Sam.

"Wait, you're leaving?" He shouted.

She smiled at him, "Yeah sorry kid, I gotta be somewhere."

"Oh," He said, disappointed. "Can I ask you something first?"

"Sure thing."

He looked down at his shoes and shuffled his feet, "You're really pretty for a girl, you know that?"

My attention had started to wander and I'd taken a step back, it kind of stopped then... with Ty's comment. Was it so odd for other people to find Sam attractive, even if it was a ten year old boy?

"Oh yeah?" Sam glanced up at me for the briefest second, "Well you're not so bad yourself." She actually sounded sincere, ruffling his hair up a bit.

"So I was wondering," He trailed off, looking even more sheepish than before, "Would, ahh, would you want to go on a date... with me?"

For a long second I tried to process the almost hostile feeling that overcame me. Why the hell was I suddenly threatened by a ten year old boy?

"Oh," Sam paused, obviously trying to figure out how to let him down easy, "Wow, that's um... that's really sweet Ty but... I'm kind of already dating someone," She finished.

"Oh."

_Oh?_

I shifted my feet a little, trying my best not to look uncomfortable just standing there. It wasn't out of the realms of possibility for Sam to be dating someone, however it wasn't a notion I'd entertained over the last two months, of all the things I thought Sam was doing with her life, dating wasn't one of them. Maybe that's why my hostility levels were in overdrive.

Ty lowered his head in what I can only imagine was embarrassment and a severe disappointment; Sam bent down to meet him eye level. "But hey, I'll be back every Sunday like normal I promise. Maybe next week we can play Mario Kart, whatdya say?"

With a huge smile plastered on his face Ty nodded, "Okay."

"Gimmie a hug then," Sam mirrored his smile and pulled him in for a hug. "I'll see you in a few days," she gave a slight wave and was gone.

So that's what she had been doing with her Sunday's, every Sunday for the last two months... every Sunday when I was happy to see the back of her because it meant twenty-four solid hours of peace. She was spending her time here, with Ty. No junkies, no bikers, no sewer monkeys, just her and Ty. She was mentoring a ten year old, helping him deal with the death of his father, just like she had to... and probably with no help from anyone.

The feeling of disillusionment was unmistakable. She was right; I didn't know her, maybe I never did.

**/**

**A/N: **I really didn't plan on my Thanksgiving chapter to be so close to actual Thanksgiving, this update was supposed to be ready weeks ago. I really am sorry for the long ass wait. However, I don't wanna give you guys any empty promises and tell you that the next chapter will be up sooner than this one was because honestly I just don't know. But what I can promise you is that this story will NOT go unfinished. I have every chapter planned out and an end in sight, so you have my word on that. And besides, I owe it to this fandom and all of it's loyal followers to make good on my promises, unlike Dan has. I won't go into my iStart a Fan War rant here because it would be longer than this chapter... and this sucker is already almost 7k words!

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

**Bitches love pimps:** Special thanks to these folk who kept me in check and were a big help in getting this chapter done; The Earl of Sandwich, pigwiz, KingxLeon21, Pieequals36, and Tech-Man.

Chapter title comes from the song 'Last Goodbye' by Jeff Buckley


	11. I'm trying to get my head straight

**Notes float my boat: **I jinxed myself is what I did. This note originally said "HUZZAH! I didn't have to make you all wait two months for an update this time." Well, life then kicked me in the ass after that didn't it? BIG TIME. Always the way. Le sigh. Anywhoodle, I've got a big one for you guys (heh), I hope that kinda makes up for the time in between these updates.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned iCarly... well that means Dan Schneider wouldn't... and the world would make sense again.

**/**

**ELEVEN:**

_**...If I could make it all right, I would.**_

**/**

Intense pain. Or at least the most intense physical pain I'd ever felt in my life, even spending most of my childhood being pushed around by Sam. It was like a knife, piercing through my right eye spreading to the back of my skull, pulsating. Making the blackness behind my eyelids spin and my stomach flip over on itself.

I couldn't tell if I was actually lying on a pile of broken glass in some dark sinister alley or if I was lumped over the pathetic excuse for a couch that Justin had 'scored' from his weird friend Hans. The one that he had made me lug up the three flights of stairs to our dorm. It was probably the latter; a dark sinister alley would be more comfortable than that thing.

Why I trusted Justin with something as important as an actual couch or why I even trusted someone with a friend called Hans confused me more and more every day.

Perhaps it was purely out of necessity that I became friends with Justin, any other time in my life I'd have turned the other way from a guy like him. Or maybe I was actually growing up, changing, moving forward, getting that once unlikely 'new image' I'd been so desperate for. Broadening my friends and hence my life... it actually kind of felt like I was being let go from some odd type of purse strings that were holding me back, and the person no longer holding those strings was Carly.

Even if by force, it was clear that I had my own life now, I was becoming my own person, I was calling all my own shots and she had nothing to do with any of them. I felt liberated; all the while feeling like my head was spiked through a picket fence and not attached to my body.

_What the hell is going on?_

Had I passed out while Justin and I dragged this piece of shit couch up the stairs? That was the only reasonable explanation right now.

_How pathetic._

But something told me that wasn't the last thing to have happened, there was more. More of what, I had no idea, it wasn't even hazy, just a blank hole of nothing since Justin had driven me four hours south of campus to pick up the useless space waster.

It hurt like hell trying to think past that moment, everything was still spinning out of control. I felt paralysed, my brain was giving directions that my body wasn't responding to, I couldn't even get my eyes open. If I wasn't in so much pain I might've panicked a little.

_I think it's time to join a gym._

Some degree of time passed and I heard faint familiar noises in the distance, confirming that I was at least in my dorm somewhere. It's weird how normal every day sounds are altered when you're in unconscious limbo. The TV in our living room was older than my grandmother and gave off a strange buzz like hum that could even be heard over idle chatter; I strained my ears but couldn't hear a damn thing. So when the unmistakable sound of a door slamming occurred, it was muffled.

Dull voices followed the sound of the door and I was able to make out Justin's pleas for the new person in the room to calm down. He pleaded with whoever it was for what seemed like ten minutes, and as the time went on the voices became more pronounced and I was finally able to recognise the second voice as Sam's.

I had no idea what time it was or even what day it was for that matter. I could have been out cold all week for all I knew. What I did know was that Sam was pissed off again, no real surprise there; it seemed to be a continuous running theme of late.

But was she pissed at me or Justin this time?

_Well, what do you think brainiac?_

Me. It had to be me. What other poor son of a bitch on this planet was there for her to be pissed at? I stretched my memory, a bunch of bright neon colours danced behind my eyes as the pain shot through me like a spear. I inwardly winced and tried to recall anything to put all the pieces together. I could still hear Sam saying she wanted to tear me a new one and Justin begging her to at least wait until I woke up.

What the hell had I done this time?

"_Tell me again why we're the ones carrying this heap of crap up the stairs?" I groaned._

"_You said we needed a couch, and do I deliver or what?" Justin had the audacity to smile widely at me._

"_First of all you didn't deliver it because I'm here helping you 'deliver' it, and second of all you cannot call this thing a couch."_

"_Well what the hell is it then?"_

"_You cannot be serious. Look at this thing. There's about ten thousand splintered edges poking out from the fabric, there are chunks of foam missing from the cushions... and there's that huge brown splotch on one of the arm rests. I don't even want to know what that is."_

"_I'll fix it up I swear. I took wood shop in high school. I'm quite the craftsman you know," He boasted._

"_You better hope you are."_

"_Just chill out man, you always been this uptight?"_

_I ignored him._

_We made our way up the last few stairs to our floor and along the hallway to our dorm. Some way or another I managed to kick the door open with my entire body, most likely resulting in a hernia or something. The door swung open, hard, hit the back wall and almost came to a close again. Justin stuck his foot out in time to catch it before it closed and walked backwards into the room._

_We were about halfway through when I noticed Sam standing in the middle of our dorm looking beyond pissed off, arms folded, narrowed eyes, mouth set into a hard line, and wearing a skin tight strapless red dress that added the perfect last touch to that look she had that could melt the polar ice caps. She looked... amazing, but entirely uncomfortable, in a dress like I supposed free movement wouldn't be the easiest thing to accomplish. Not a good combination for a girl like Sam._

"_You're late!" She bellowed, making Justin nearly drop his end of the couch on his foot in surprise. I half expected her to take a running jump and plant her whole body on the couch while we still held it, I was sure I saw her eyes flash with that very desire, I even prepared myself for it, but it never happened. Thus proving my theory that a dress like that wasn't very 'Sam' at all._

"_Jesus, Sam, you scared the shit out of me!" Justin shouted, lowering the couch to the ground and leaving it there._

"_Like I care," She jabbed, with more than a hint of annoyance. "We're supposed to be there already!"_

"_Relax woman, no one ever gets to a party on time," He added casually, "Where's this Dale character anyway?"_

_Sam paused awkwardly, her hostility dissolving as she glanced at me for the briefest second then back to Justin, "He's meeting me there," another awkward pause, and I see her hostility regenerate, "So hurry your ass up!"_

"_Yeah yeah yeah, he can wait ten minutes."_

"_You don't know Dale," I mutter to myself, positive no one heard me._

_Dale the douche, Dale the guy who wrote 'Freddie Benson' still wets his bed on the girl's bathroom wall every day for a year in ninth grade, Dale the hot headed jock who threw 'wicked' parties, dabbled in drugs, and slept with anything that was female and had a heart beat._

_Dale the prick, to be precise._

_I pushed the building hostility aside, grabbed a soda for myself, threw one to Justin and flopped into the patio chair that I had claimed as my own. It was the only real viable sitting place in our dorm, not to mention the most comfortable, and it was not to be used by anyone else but me, a request Sam had ignored on more than one occasion. I was happy to snag it before she did, even happier to realise the only other seat available was our new 'couch'. I chuckled dryly to myself._

"_Would you just come on already!" Sam whined._

_Justin waved a hand at her making his way across the room as he unbuttoned his shirt, "Hold up, I gotta change."_

"_UGH! You're worse than a chick you know?"_

"_Thank you!" He replied, closing the door behind him with his foot._

"_Stop saying thank you whenever I insult you!"_

"_Thank youuuuuuu!"_

_Sam huffed loudly, crossed her arms and threw herself down onto the couch where Justin had left it, hard. She kept her narrowed eyes focused in front of her, internalising her anger._

_Things between us had remained the same over the last few weeks since Thanksgiving, which gave me a bit of time to do some soul searching. I'd eventually decided just to take the high road and leave her be, well not so much as 'decided' but more like that was the only option I had left._

_I'd been over them all, fell into an intense pit of self loathing and came out the other end with the solution to be indifferent. Not in a cruel sadistic way but hopefully more of a moving forward, moving on ideal. It seemed to be working for the most part; there were still moments where I'd lapse back into irritation and snap. I knew I was giving her exactly what she wanted each time I did that and I chastised myself afterwards, but change isn't easy. Especially when you miss how things used to be so badly._

_I knew that the best way to gain someone's attention was to ignore them. It had worked for her, brilliantly, now I was just waiting to see if that new path would open up a door along the way for me._

"_Okay!" Justin announced as he re-entered the room, "Who's ready to party?"_

_Sam rolled her eyes, stood up and headed for the door, "'Bout time."_

_I'd been back and forth about whether or not to join them at this ridiculous 'traffic light' party. Just the idea of wearing traffic light colours to display your relationship status to everyone made me queasy. Green for single, amber for uncertain, and red for taken._

_The mere mention of Dale's presence earlier had made up my mind without hesitation. No fucking way would I be attending._

"_Freds, you're not comin?" Justin asked just as he reached the door._

"_Nah, think I'll sit this one out," I said, trying to sound more bored than agitated._

"_Surprise, surprise," I heard Sam mutter to herself. I swallowed the urge to retort and ignored her._

"_Dude, come on! It's a traffic light party, throw on a green shirt and score yourself a hot date!"_

_I barely had two seconds to process Justin's optimism and change my mind when Sam scoffed._

"_Please, that nerd couldn't get a date with a calendar."_

_Justin tried to hold back a laugh and I could virtually see Sam leave her body and give herself a pat on the back. I knew she was just waiting for me to crack, and I could feel it building, powerless to stop it._

_My eyes narrowed and I'm sure my nostrils flared. "On second thought, I will join you. I'm due for a hot date," I smiled widely and Sam rolled her eyes._

_Damn it. So much for the high road._

* * *

_We arrived outside the frat house no more than twenty minutes late, good thing about college parties is they're usually all within a ten minute walking distance. Much to Sam's dismay of course, all she did was complain the entire time._

_The two of them took off, bolting up the stairs adding themselves to the debauchery inside within seconds._

_I stood out the front still unsure of... well unsure of pretty much everything in my life._

_Maybe I'm bi-polar?_

_What the hell was I doing here? I'd only decided to come in a moment of blind defiance against Sam. I swallowed the self anger and tried to remind myself that I was changing, trying to move forward and have new experiences, and that mixing things up like this once in a while had its advantages. But that lingering thought that the only reason I was here was just to spite Sam wouldn't go away. I pushed it aside over and over, and each time it still came screaming back to me. Apparently there was no escaping this childish, pointless, mind game we were still in, the one I hoped I was rising above._

_I didn't know how to fix it and I was desperate to._

_No, that's a lie, I knew exactly how to fix it, but for some reason an apology just didn't feel like it was going to cut it. Something else was holing me back, something that obviously hadn't occurred to me yet._

_Something._

_I was sick of feeling so guilty and regretful at the same time, I needed to get my head straight before I could even begin to put the pieces together. But no matter how hard I tried there was always still one missing piece of this fucked up puzzle that just wasn't around for me to grab and place with thousands of other scrambled bits._

_It was a game I couldn't win._

___I gave the party an hour. Deducing that an hour was more than plenty of time to decide whether or not I was enjoying myself, and whether or not I had a decent amount of college party experience up my sleeve so people would lay off about my lacking social life._

___I headed out into the sardine packed hallway and through to the kitchen. I'd last seen Justin heading for the room with the beer pong; I at least needed to let him know I was leaving and there was no point using my cell phone at a party like this, I wouldn't even bring my cell phone to a party like this._

___The allocated 'drinking game' room was located directly behind the kitchen, which gave me two options to get there. One was to my right, out onto the patio and through the ever growing foam party taking place and the other to my left; through the dull, close to pitch black, tiny 'make out' room._

___I headed left and was relieved to find only a handful of couple's still keeping things relatively PG in there, or maybe the dim lighting provided them with just the right amount of invisibility to make things appear innocent._

___Gross._

___I tried my best to look inconspicuous as I passed through, never letting my eyes linger on any one couple for too long, I'd hate to be considered a pervert for the rest of my college years. I'd almost made it to the opposite door when, from the corner of my eye, I noticed Sam sitting by the large bay window in the corner behind thick black curtains._

___I stopped and took a step closer; she looked up from the drink cradled in her hands and out the window. There was an unmistakable sadness about her, and I realised instantly that I had no idea how to handle it._

___Everything I had done in the past seven months had been all wrong, utterly wrong. Every word, every action, every thought. It was all just plain wrong, so what the hell was I to do now?_

___I should walk away; because if she knew that I had seen her like this, after all we'd been through, I'd be able to kiss any hope of making things right again with Sam goodbye._

___But I didn't move, I watched her and I fought with myself, with my instincts to flee and my instincts to fight. People pushed past me and made rude comments but I remained stoic, on the outside; inside I was being torn apart._

___Minutes passed until her eyes met mine and there's a silent moment of communication between us._

___And in that moment I could have sworn all was forgotten._

___She needed someone, perhaps she needed me; I think, somewhere in the pit of my stomach, I hoped she needed me._

___Sam bit her top lip, sighed deeply and looked away in sad embarrassment. It was one of those rare moments of vulnerability she showed me, and I wanted more. I also wanted to rip Dale's head clear off his neck for whatever he had done this time but that impulse would have to wait._

___My steps towards her were calm and reposed, no walls, no barriers of any kind, nothing holding me back._

___Until I'm jerked sideways by some unseen force, I try to ignore it and take another step but I am again pulled back. I spin around quickly, utterly confused, to find my physics partner, Jessica, pulling at my arm. I can see her saying my name but I hear nothing, instead I just blink confusion at her in the muted light. I can feel Sam's eyes on me but I can't bring myself to look over._

"_Freddie! Oh thank god, a friendly face," Jessica said pulling me by my left arm into another room._

_I got one final glimpse of Sam as I was pulled away, and I can tell by her face and the way she leaves the room that our moment is over._

_The next hour passed quickly, a hell of a lot faster and a hell of a lot more enjoyable than the one before it. I even let loose and had a few drinks to go along with our conversation. I did wonder after a while if we were the only two losers discussing physics at a college party, I didn't like the answer Jessica came up with so I ignored it and changed the subject._

"_So what's with the green?" I shouted over the sound of the party, "I thought you and Liam had been dating for a hundred years or something."_

_Jessica chuckled, a wide smile spread on her face, "Yeah we have, but this is Liam's way of spicing things up, so to speak." She stopped and I made a face for her to continue. "You see, he wears green and I wear green..." She trailed off, "And you know, we play that whole jealous boyfriend/girlfriend game."_

"_Right," I nodded, "Well what an interesting relationship you two have."_

"_Hey, at least I have a date." She slapped my arm triumphantly._

_I smiled awkwardly. "Yeah, yeah."_

"_So what's the deal with that anyway?"_

"_With what?"_

"_You being dateless."_

_I simply looked at her because I had no idea how to respond. It wasn't the first time I'd been asked a question like that, it's just for the first time I really didn't have an answer. There's silence and Jessica waits for me to say something, it shouldn't be this hard, but I've got nothing._

_I try to give my usual response but nothing comes out, because there's nothing to tell anymore. The story of me and Carly is over now, and a moment of confusion passes through me._

_It should just flow out of my mouth freely, rehearsed, unmitigated. However, nothing is as it was once before and so the tale of two best friends finding love somewhere down the road once they'd both lived their lives is lost, because it just doesn't exist anymore._

_And that liberated feeling is one I'm not expecting but god damn it feels great._

_I let out a long much needed breath, "Well see, I-"_

"_Sooooooooo," Sam cuts me off, bouncing over to us in all her stumbling, mumbling, drunken glory, "Is this your idea of a hot date, Fredbag?"_

_I cringed, hoping that Jessica wasn't easily offended._

"_Who is this?"_

_I clenched my eyes shut for a brief second, hoping this was a nightmare, which it was, but not in the literal sense._

_I groaned, "Jessica this is Sam, Sam… Jessica."_

"_Oh, nice to meet you, Sam," Jessica said offering her hand to Sam for a friendly shake._

_In no surprise Sam simply looked down at Jessica's hand and then back up, chugged the rest of her drink before taking a sip from the cup in her other hand. I was all but shocked not to see her crunch an empty cup on her forehead and throw it to the ground._

"_So Gigdet," Sam pointed to Jessica, "You do know the dork here is in love with Carly Shay right?"_

_Jessica looks at me and I can only shake my head, "Oh yeah?" She asked._

"_Yeah. He's been drooling over her for like a bajillion years," Sam exaggerated. "That's never going away," She leaned in close to whisper, "You should just back out now."_

_Jessica rolled her eyes, "How fascinating."_

_Sam gave a patronising laugh, "Yeah, well for you, honey, how ice is made is probably fascinating."_

"_Sam!" I chided then turned to Jessica, mortified, "I'm sorry, just ignore her, she's drunk."_

"_Aw, now don't go telling the girl what to do Fredlame, you're the doormat remember?"_

_Before I had the chance to simply walk away and not get sucked into another one of Sam's pathetic games, Justin came tearing up to us looking completely wasted and dishevelled. He was panicked and just more than a little bit freaked out._

_Some thug he and Sam had been playing beer pong with for the last hour was out for their blood. Justin informs us we need to leave immediately and we're all in agreement, except of course Sam who thinks we should stay because she can take him._

_The next few minutes passed by in a blur of drunken insults, shouting and accusations._

"_We need to make like a tree, now!"_

"_HEY! You motherfuckers hustled me!"_

"_No we didn't, you just drink like a girl."_

"_You insulting me blondie?"_

"_Do you need me to use visual aids?"_

"_That's it!"_

_Then the blur takes on a violent tone, like a hurricane. There's pushing and shoving and Justin trying to hold Sam back as she tries to claw at the guys face. Then it's like a steady stream of arguing and wise cracks, not ending and definitely not changing anything._

_Until of course Justin is knocked to the ground and there's a very large, very clenched fist, heading for the face of a very intoxicated Sam. I move quickly to stand between her and the oncoming thrash then everything fades to black._

The memories rushing back are enough to shock me into consciousness in a matter of seconds. My eyes flew open and I lunged myself off the couch to the other side of the room, where I'd be safe... well safer, for at least a minute... hopefully. I steadied myself against the wall, feeling a little more than woozy.

"Oh, it's awake!" Sam announced sarcastically.

I gestured stupidly with my one free arm, "What the hell did I do?"

Sam glared at me, "I see that jerk knocked your last three remaining brain cells clear out of your head. You know exactly what you did!"

I looked at her in genuine surprise. "Right, so I take a punch for you and somehow you're pissed at _me?_"

I pushed off from the wall hoping to gain some ground and what shred of self respect I had left that might still be lingering. Sam watched me do this and decided she would take a few steps closer herself, making the space between us now just a mere few inches.

"Let me break this down for you," She began calmly, "Lesson number one, I can look after myself," She stopped, "And less-"

"Yeah and lesson number two, you don't hit chicks, it's a rule!" I interject, furious.

"_Chick? _Please, I could kick anyone's ass from here into next Tuesday, I can handle myself," She retorted.

"When have you ever had to _handle yourself _in a situation like that?"

Sam eyed me, ominously, "Lesson number three, it's none of your fucking business."

I took a deep breath, "Fine. Next time I'll just buy popcorn and watch." The words come out surprisingly composed.

"I never asked for your help in the first place!"

"Fred, it wasn't even your beef." Justin piped in, "You shoul-"

"SHUT UP!" Sam and I screamed at him in unison.

She looks at me again, this time her face thick with suspicion, "Since when is it any of your concern if I get pushed, punched, or poked anyway?"

"Oh, I think I know why," Justin swoons.

"SHUT UP, JUSTINE!" We again scream in unison and turn back to each other.

"Well?" She asked, brows raised, eyes wide.

I paused for a second, unsure of the safest response, "Superhero tendencies," I finally said with a shrug.

"Well you're not Rocky, so just back off next time!" She turned and stormed away from me, heading for the door.

"Rocky isn't even a superhero!" I screamed to the back of her head.

"WHATEVER!" She shrieked, slamming the door behind her.

I glared menacingly at the back of the door, grinding my teeth. This was ridiculous. Just plain ridiculous, and I was getting pretty tired of being the only one that could see it. The only one that could see Sam for what she really was; an intolerable nightmare.

My head was still pounding, but that was nothing compared to the fury coursing throughout my entire body. I should have fought more, I should have been stronger, _I _should be the one storming out, I had done absolutely nothing wrong. If I'd have let that thug hit her I'd have _still _wound up being the bad guy for allowing her to get hurt.

I couldn't fucking win!

I took a few deep breaths hoping to calm myself down, but the feeling of skeptical eyes burning into the side of my head put a stop to that. I reluctantly looked away from the door only to see Justin rocking back and forth on his heels grinning at me.

I narrowed my eyes at him. "Why the fuck are you so smiley?"

"Ohhh nothing," He smirked, "Just you guys," He paused. "There's never a dull moment between you two is there?"

I threw my arms up in frustration, "Ugh!" I groaned, and headed for the sanctuary of my room.

I could feel the chunks start to rise up in my throat. I'd almost forgotten what this was like, what sparring with Sam did to me. How bad and overwhelming it could be... it was. And that feeling, that hopeless feeling of wanting to inflict harm on something, inflict harm on her, because it was just so ___unfair, _and stupid, and infuriating. Why did she always manage to do this to me?

I've never consider myself a violent person, but that desperate feeling of wanting to rip off my own arm just so I had something to throw at her was getting to be more than I could stand. In fact, it was actually terrifying how badly I wanted to hurt her... or just do something.

Something that involved the way she looked behind those curtains tonight, how she was able to out-drink a six foot thug, how horrible she was to Jessica, the way she laughed when she wasn't laughing at me; a rarity I hadn't quite gotten used to in the last five months.

None of this was fair.

And all of a sudden the agonisingly slow progression, all these subtle changes in my life just weren't enough anymore. I needed something impulsive, something drastic, something huge. I could feel the adrenaline pumping through my veins, and I felt alive. Everything was moving again; I guess I had forgotten about that too.

I picked up my phone and dialled the number, no rational thought, no weighing up the pros and cons of this in my mind... just pure reckless impulse.

"Hello?" The voice on the other end croaked.

"Carly, hey. I need to talk to you."

"Now?"

"Yeah, right now. Look-"

"So much for thinking about the time difference, huh?"

I didn't have time to feel bad; I didn't have time for anything, so I just ignored her.

"I can't take it anymore, Carly. The girl is impossible, I can't get anything right and I'm just done," I blurted, the words coming out rushed and desperate.

"I assume you're talking about Sam again?" She asked, likely annoyed that I'd woken her up for this. Or was she annoyed that I'd called her to complain about Sam in the early hours of the morning? I didn't have time to choose one, nor to even care.

"Well who else could it be?" I said sarcastically.

Carly sighed deeply, "So what happened this time?"

"I cannot win with her, I can't, and I just-" I paused for a second, "I need to get out of here."

"What do you mean?"

"I can't be here anymore, Carly, I need a fresh start, a drastic, completely out of my comfort zone, change."

She stifled a yawn, "So what did you have in mind?"

"I wanna transfer to London so I can study with you."

Carly paused, for longer than I thought she would.

"Are you serious?"

"As a heart attack," I respond, not skipping a beat.

There's silence on the other end, the only thing I can hear is the sound of my erratic breathing, the pounding heartbeat in my ears and a long drawn out sigh from Carly. It's not until she speaks that I realise I've been pacing around my room this entire time.

"That might not be such a bad idea," She finally said.

Her words knock the wind out of me, and I stop pacing; everything that was once spinning around me now coming to an abrupt, screaming halt.

Was she supposed to agree to this so quickly? Shouldn't she be arguing with me, giving me reasons not to disrupt my life, convincing me to try just one more time… '_For me?'_

_Where the hell is her notorious 'for me?'!_

"What?" I asked, after a minute of stunned silence.

"I know you'd love it here."

I gaped, "Are you joking?"

"Why would I joke?" She waits for me to answer and when I don't, she continues, "I could even ask the dean of admissions tomorrow how to-"

I cut her off, "Whoa Carly I-I I'm not sure about this."

"Freddie," Carly scolded, "You were all for it like thirty seconds ago."

"Well I've had those thirty seconds to process the lunacy of what I said haven't I?" I unintentionally screamed the sarcasm at her.

Carly knew me better than I knew myself, especially right now when I didn't know what the hell was going on with me, with anything, so how she could think I was serious about something like this baffled me.

"It's not lunacy Freddie, its perfect!" She beamed, "You're obviously miserable there; think how much fun we'd have!"

"I'm not miserable Carly, I jus-"

"Then why can't you go one phone call without complaining about something?"

"I do not," I insisted.

"And why can't you go one phone call without mentioning Sam?"

I sighed, indignantly, "Because she's impossible, and I like to think I can vent to my best friend."

"You're miserable," She stated, firmly.

"No. No I'm not I just... I can't leave Seattle."

"Why? Why can't you leave Freddie?" She asked knowingly.

I put a hand to my head, because her insistent questioning was starting to grate on me. "I-I-I really like UW, it suits me."

"This university would suit you too. What's holding you back?"

"I can't transfer, let alone to another country."

"Why not?" Carly went on.

"Because it's too much effort."

"Effort has never been an issue for you before."

"Well I guess it is now," I snapped.

Carly's tone changed from urgent to sombre. "What's changed Freddie?" She asked, earnestly.

"Nothing! I just can't imagine leaving."

"Why not?"

Dread clutched my stomach.

"Because I can't leave Sam here alone."

"Why not?" She asked smugly.

I fisted my hair, almost pulling it clear off my head. "Damn it Carly, because I'm in love with her!"

_Congratulations, universe. You win._

**/**

**A/N: **Ahhh, the sound of 200 people collectively sighing in relief. Is there a better sound in the world? I'm not sure there is you know. Even I feel as if a weight has been lifted, the dork has finally got a mitt and caught himself a god damn clue, bought a vowel... etc. However, what's he gonna do with this brand new information now? Mwa ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaa! Review, even if it's just to tell me how evil I am. xD

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

**Pimps float my boat too, apparently: **The Earl of Sandwich: forever helpful in getting me back on track. Pieequals36: forever the best subtle guilt tripper I have... you know I love you for it. ;D

Chapter title comes from the song 'If This Ship Sinks (I Give In)' by Birds of Tokyo

* * *

**This has been part of the grand Cabal group post, for Friday 11th February 2011.**


	12. I know I've spent some time lying

**iOMG! It's a note: **I've kept you all waiting for waaaay too long, but we all had iOMG to keep us more than occupied right? And now the cast is back to filming *FANGIRL RAMPAGE*. My apologies mean shit to you people, I'm completely aware of that so I guess the only thing I have going for me right now is no more Confused!Angry!Freddie. REJOICE! xD

**Disclaimer: **If I owned iCarly Freddie would have slipped her the tongue.

**/**

**TWELVE:**

_**...I need to defend some part of me from you.**_

**/**

"Freddie, please talk to me."

There was a spider in the corner of my room; nothing too sinister, just a regular black spider chilling in the corner, probably waiting for a nightly feed. I'd seen it there before, many times over the last week, never gave him much thought… but now I was fixated. The web he'd spun was intricate and looked sturdy, I was sure a simple swipe with my hand wouldn't dispose of it completely.

I watched closely as a mosquito or some other kind of tiny flying insect landed in the web and was devoured in an instant with startling precision. The spider moved quickly back to his original place and there he waited again for another insect to fall victim.

"Freddie, do you need me to get Justin to call a paramedic?"

My ears rang even louder with the sound of Carly's concerned motherly tone, adding to the already deafening sound of my sharp short breaths and the pulsing of blood coursing throughout my entire body.

I ignored it all, once again putting my entire focus on the spider and the simplicity of the world he lived in.

_It's a spider, you retard._

"Freddie! I'm gonna hang on to the end of this phone until you're not catatonic so we can talk about this. You just told me that you were in love with Samantha Puckett. Remember?"

_Sam._

_Samantha._

_Samantha Puckett._

_Samantha 'Demon' Puckett._

The girl that should come with a god damn manual! Because let's face it, she's a walking contradiction, a rush of wild blonde curls and piercing intense blue; who can chew you up and spit you out. She was the bane of my existence, and apparently I was in _love _with her.

"How the hell did this happen, Carly?" I shouted, finally snapping out of the black hole I found myself in.

Carly let out a long relieved breath, "What do you mean "_how did this happen"_? I think you know exactly what happened."

"I-I-I... I do not!"

"Come on, Freddie," she whined, "Dig a little deeper and think about this rationally for a second."

_HA!_

She wanted me to be rational, to think rationally and only for a second? One measly second, was she insane? Maybe that snooty London air had gone to her head. This was going to take me a lifetime of therapy to process. Rationality was out the window... actually rationality left me about the time Carly walked through that gate at the airport back in June.

_So that's where it all started. Holy shit!_

Had I been blindsided by Carly this whole time?

_Duh._

Well I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Because to start with I'm not sure how I feel about anything that has led me to this point. I can't even begin to figure out how it happened. One minute she's Sam, regular meat-loving-killer-right-hook-Sam and next thing I know I'm having to control the urge to show up at her dorm, throw her against a wall, and kiss her senseless, which would ultimately lead to...

_Is this real life?_

For the love of all that is good and pure, how the hell did I get here?

Everything in the last nine months is more or less a blur of confusion and feelings. Feelings masked by my confusion and anger, feelings that were misinterpreted.

And the feelings currently taking over my entire body, the ones making my knees weak and my palms sweat were scaring the shit out of me. I'd never felt _anything _like this before. This was intense, sharp, frenzied... furious even; and perhaps even a little tormenting.

I'd been fiercely deluded for almost my entire life. I'd never felt... _love... _like this before, and it certainly wasn't anything close to what I thought I'd ever felt for Carly all these years. All the swooning, pining, worshipping, not to mention extensive daydreams I had about brushing her hair, feeding her grapes and us skipping off into the sunset together.

I'm not sure deluded is even the right word here.

I was out of my right mind, and nowhere near my left. I felt like I'd been hit by a careening MACK truck, like someone had dumped a load of bricks on my head… like Captain _fucking _Obvious himself had been slapping me across the face with a dead fish for the better part of a year and I was totally oblivious.

This was the kind of love that made you feel like you could throw yourself off the Empire State Building and land on a bicycle with no seat; the kind of love that lifts you three hundred feet off the ground but at the same time keeps you entrenched into the earth like an anchor.

So I was in love with her. And I wasn't trying nearly as hard as I thought I should be to run from it, I guess I'd been doing enough of that. I'd been lying this whole time, running this whole time... and _that _was the scariest thing. I could have kicked myself for being so stupid.

"So," I finally said, "I'm in love with Sam then."

"Yep," Carly replied, popping her p.

"Right," I nodded, pursing my lips and trying to control my erratic thoughts, "Please don't tell me you've known this whole time."

"Don't be ridiculous!"

"Well then why the third degree before?" I asked voice thick with doubt, "It was clear you knew _something_."

Carly sighed, "Okay, well I guess… I guess I've had _suspicions_ since July."

"July? Thanks for the heads up, Carly," I snorted the sarcasm at her.

"Don't give me that. If I'd have said anything to you back then you'd have put me in a mental institution. I think it's actually better this way," She added sombrely, "You figured it out on your own... kind of."

"Yeah great," I huffed. "So what am I supposed to do now? How the _hell _am I supposed to act around her now?"

I felt almost helpless, amongst everything else that I was feeling. It was becoming hard to differentiate between all the emotions currently flowing through my system.

"I don't know, that's for you to figure out. The more important question here is how are you going to tell her?"

_Oh fuck!_

"I can't do that!" I wailed like the coward that I was.

There was no way in hell I could just waltz up to Sam and declare myself to her... not even if the last nine months hadn't happened. It was Sam!

"So what, you're just gonna ignore it and pretend it's not there?"

"No, of course not. But I can't just bombard her with this, you know?" I stopped, trying desperately to think of the best course of action.

This wasn't doubt or fear just common sense really. I knew I'd have to tell her… eventually. But not today, not right now, and certainly not the next time I saw her.

I'd have to handle this like I'd handle dodging a mine field, strategically and with extreme caution. Carly always rejected me with a smile and an apology for not returning my affections, all her warmth and kindness would radiate off her to lessen the blow every time. But this was dangerous, and as much as that dangerous aspect made me feel more alive than ever before, I also knew that I might as well throw my heart on a plate and serve it up to Sam for dinner if I thought some cheesy grand gesture would work on her.

"Carly, I kinda need to defend myself to her first, to at least try and get her back in my life again, even just as a friend."

"I guess that makes sense. But what if she found out from someone other than you?" She queried with a devious tone. I knew she was up to something.

"The only other person that knows about this is you, and you're not telling her," I stated firmly.

"I could call her right now."

"Carly. Don't," I scolded.

"You never know Freddie," Carly wavered suspiciously, "She might just surprise you yet."

I knew that tone; I knew it like the back of my hand. She wasn't even trying to hide it. "What do you know, Carly?"

Almost thirty seconds passed before she sighed and at least another ten before she responded which only fuelled my suspicions further.

"I don't know anything," She replied defensively, "At least not anything concrete. It's just that when she was here over the summer, it was quite clear there was more bothering her than your stupid fight."

_That's it?_

"So what? That means nothing."

"Look, all I'm saying is that if she found out you were planning to leave Seattle and come study with me, she might jus-"

I cut her off, "That's manipulation, not to mention pointless. Sam would probably start packing my suitcase for me."

"I really think you should just let me call her," Carly trailed off, further contemplating her hair brained plan no doubt. "You never know, Freddie, it's human nature for people not to realise what they have until it's slipping away from them," She finished with an obvious grin that I could hear through her words.

"Carly, whatever you're planning to do, just don't."

"What?" She asked innocently.

I huffed in aggravation, "Carly, promise me you won't call her."

There was a long silent pause, I was about to scream at her before she sighed, "I promise... I won't _call _her."

"Thank you," I sighed relief, suddenly feeling completely exhausted. I flopped down onto my bed, phone still resting on my ear, and closed my eyes.

We remained silent on our respective ends of the phone for about two minutes, it was comforting that my now out of physical reach best friend was still there for me, still reliable and forever the loyal sounding board that she had always been. Things had felt strained between us for a while, but I knew that was simply because I was making them that way. For just about everyone.

It suddenly occurred to me that Carly might need some time to process this 'revelation' herself but I was too at peace to let it trouble me right now. I'd talk to her again tomorrow.

"Freddie?"

My eyes flew open, "Yeah?"

"Just for the record," She said softly, "… I think this is great."

I smiled; Carly was always pretty good at reading my mind.

* * *

My night was filled with crass dreams of Sam showing up at my dorm in nothing but a trench coat and canary yellow converse, thoroughly molesting me against my bedroom door repeatedly. So it was no surprise that I woke up, after midday, with a huge grin plastered across my face and a feeling of being able to break out into some cheesy musical number, ala 500 Days of Summer, in the middle of campus.

Of course all that was replaced with sheer terror as I skipped out of my room and caught sight of Sam lounging on my couch, her hand stuffed into my box of cheerios. I realised then that I didn't have a fucking clue what I was going to do, no plan, no thought out process… I was a blind man.

I didn't even think that I might have to deal with this so soon. Which was just another one of the stupid things I overlooked, Sam was always here.

The walk over to the fridge felt like a thousand mile trek, it was the tension in the room and I knew I was the only one who could feel it. She'd been feigning ignorance for months and this little repertoire we had going was second nature to her. Nothing in her world had drastically changed in the last twenty four hours, her world hadn't been forever altered.

That pissed me off.

I jerked the refrigerator door open, glass bottles clattering against each other. From the corner of my eye I saw her look up at me roll her eyes and turn back to whatever mind numbing program she was so invested in. Without even a second thought I slammed the door shut and took a step closer to her.

"You know what?" I shouted, jabbing a finger at her, totally unsure of where I was going with this sudden rush of adrenaline. "This," I continued, motioning my angry finger between us, "This is unpleasant!" I finished, letting all the air escape from my body.

I said it without thinking… because I needed to say _something_, I needed to break this charade with a sledgehammer and it had worked, because her face fell and she sat up glaring at me.

_Progress._

"Really? You don't say," She sang, in that rhetorical sarcastic way, "Because it felt like a fucking Sunday picnic in spring to me."

She eyed me cautiously, probably expecting me to whimper and run out of the room with my tail firmly between my legs, thoroughly regretting that I'd ever said anything; just like I usually would, just as she expected.

But there was no way I was backing down… or backing out, regardless of what she tried to throw at me, regardless if she pushed me away.

I knew what I wanted and I was going to get it, whether she liked it or not, and whether or not I had any clue how to do just that.

"Look," I blurted quickly, and the rest followed much the same, "Can we just forget everything? Forget all the shit that went down over the summer, and the last few months, and start again? Because I was a jerk and… we are friends Sam, we are. It's an obscure kind of friendship but it's there." I stopped for a second to gauge her reaction but she was unreadable so I continued. "I know that just a simple apology from me isn't going to cut it so I'm willing to do anything... you name it."

I was panting and she hadn't moved, my words coming out in a rapid string obviously leaving her a bit dumbfounded and maybe just a little bit uncomfortable with my sudden declaration of friendship. I mean I had just basically begged her to forgive me and offered up my head on a silver platter for her to do with what she pleased. So the sudden dreaded feeling of humiliation wasn't a surprise.

Neither was her silence, but it was almost deafening. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Unless you _want _to talk about what happened?" I paused, and watched something flicker in her eyes at my words, "I know I've got some explain-"

Before I even had time think about where I was going with my continued speech of embarrassment, Sam had hurled herself off the couch and over to me slapping her hand across my mouth.

"Shut up." She said firmly, and it was all I could do not to smile into her hand. "In what kind of backwards ass, twisted universe would you think that I'd want to rehash all that bullshit?" She raised her eyebrows at me, "Now, if I let go are you going to drop it?"

I think my eyes glazed over, because she was touching me again, the sensation was intoxicating and I never wanted her to stop. I felt almost weightless.

The immature urge to lick the palm of her hand was almost uncontrollable, because if I did then she just might tackle me to the ground and I'd get to touch her and smell her and have her complete attention again, just like I used to, just how it should be.

But that wasn't my agenda here, at least not yet. I had a plan, probably not a very well thought out plan but it was there, and swinging completely back into our old predictable routine wasn't going to be it.

I eventually mumbled an "Okay," at her and she let go, taking a step back to size me up. She kind of glared at me for a while, probably wondering if I was serious or had suffered a recent head injury.

She folded her arms, "Well you're right. A simple apology isn't going to cut it," she paused pursing her lips. "Go get me an egg."

I threw her a curious look. "You're not planning to tie me to the goal post on the football field half naked and throw eggs at me just so the morning sun can cook them to my skin and I get attacked by a flock of suicidal birds are you?"

That scenario wasn't entirely impossible.

"Hmm. I'd not thought of that. You pose an interesting idea, Benson," She bit her lip in contemplation and I was too preoccupied with the sound of her calling me Benson again to really give a shit if that was in fact her plan.

_Bring on the eggs!_

"But no," she continued, "I said _egg_, not _eggs _anyway."

"That actually sounds scarier," I said, making my way over to the fridge. "What the hell are you going to do with one egg?" I held the egg out for her and she looked at me like I was an idiot.

"_I'm_ not doing anything. _You're _going to hand it to a convenience store clerk in Spokane."

"Spokane? That's like a four hour drive."

Not that I was complaining, because I really wasn't. The idea of spending that much time alone with Sam in my car sounded…not bad. It was better than that really, but my brain was having a hard time making the concept true in my head. The notion also made me absolutely nauseous. How awkward would that ride be?

I guess I'd get used to all this eventually.

"Uh-huh, more like five in this rain," She pointed out to the window behind her.

"So what happens after I hand the egg over?"

"You'll be given a map to a warehouse."

"This isn't some elaborate drug deal is it?"

To be honest, I really didn't care what she had planned for me, I was just happy we could go get back to some familiarity without having to sift through any bullshit. I'd be willing to do just that of course... if that's what she had wanted, but I was more than grateful for her 'build a bridge and get over it' motto. Sam was always good for that.

"Man, you've been watching far too many art-house movies."

The scenarios just kept coming. "You're not gonna dress me in pink spandex and take me to a rave are you?"

"Patience, grasshopper," She gestured with her arms, and I again forced back my grin. "We drive to the warehouse and wait outside in the alley out the back, could be for an hour could be six, no one knows… Eventually some dude will emerge and hand me two tickets, two very exclusive very private tickets to a very private concert that barely anyone knows about. If I'm lucky, I could even get back stage passes."

Her excitement was intoxicating and I _again _had to keep all my urges in check.

_Stupid hormones._

"And that's it?" I asked filled with doubt, it seemed like I was off the hook pretty easy. "That's all I have to do?"

"Well no, there will be a slew of other small favours over the next few weeks, ones that I will surprise you with when they come to me. But this is the biggest," Sam clarified. "I was going to make Justine be my slave for this but you need to score major points here… and as stupid luck would have it, his car is actually _suckier _than yours," She flashed me a cheesy smile.

God I'd missed that smile.

I offered her a smirk of acceptance, grabbed my keys and my jacket, walked over to the door and held it open for her.

"So this extra ticket..." I began, "Do I get it?" I finished, with a grin spread right across my face as I watched her walk through the door.

She replied without even looking back at me as we made our way down the hall, "We'll see."

* * *

The drive to Spokane wasn't nearly as awkward as it should have been... or as awkward as I thought it would be. There were still times where things would fall silent and I'd feel uneasy. But I wasn't sure if that was because of our recent past that still weighed heavy between us or because I thought she could see right through me.

I wasn't one for this whole cocky, flirty act, but it was the path I'd decided to take, I just had to remain subtle about it; because while I was still the only one with the knowledge of my feelings I had all the power. If the tables were turned and she caught wind of any kind of romantic feelings from me I'd be a laughing stock, the butt of all her jokes, and I'd never live it down.

So my plan was simple enough, it was her turn to question everything, her turn to deal with the sickening confusion. Now that I was done with all that bullshit and knew how I felt with no uncertainty, things should just shift over that way; and if I was smart about it I might even be able to plant a few ideas in her head.

"The exit's coming up," Her voice jolted me out of my thoughts. "I don't know... you might wanna switch lanes," She waved her hand dismissively.

I smiled to myself. This was going to be fun.

"Weren't you ever told not to be a back seat driver?"

She sat up and looked at the back seat and then up at me, repeated that action twice before finally replying, "Uhh has it failed to come to your attention that I am in fact _not _in the back seat?"

I rolled my eyes, "You know what I mean, Sam."

"No you'll have to be more specific," She quipped.

"Fine, don't side seat drive."

Sam snickered and lounged back in her seat, resting her knees on the dash, "That's not a real thing."

She was always smarter than me in these situations, and instead of irritating me like it always used to, it made me fall just that much harder.

The rain hadn't let up for almost six hours from the time we left campus and for the two hours we'd already been waiting in the dingy alley. Lucky for me though, I had my emergency full length rain jacket in the trunk of my car. Sure, my mother drove me crazy more often than she didn't, but her years of conditioning me as a responsible young man quite often paid off, I loved her for that.

Sam on the other hand was only wearing the hoodie and jeans she left my dorm in, I'd questioned her attire and its appropriateness for the 'mission' on the drive and she scoffed, told me I was turning into my mother and changed the subject.

So it was no surprise that after no more than an hour Sam had taken up refuge huddling under an old cardboard box she'd ripped into a few pieces, propping them up with some kind of pipe she found lying around the corner. She was already soaked from head to toe, having stood out in the rain trying to prove a point to me. I forget what that point was now, I was more focused on how adorable she looked as she shivered in the rain trying to act all hard and defiant.

The rest of the people in the alley were made well aware that if they wanted any part of Sam's makeshift shelter they better not hold their breath... or be willing to pay a fee "_five buck, five second rule" _she called it.

All of this now becoming completely obvious to me as merely her tough girl front. No one cared about snagging her spot under the soggy cardboard, nobody even looked her way, they were all in appropriate rain weather clothing, but Sam needed everyone to see her as bulletproof, she wasn't one for ever admitting that she needed help, even in the most desperate of situations.

Which is why I didn't offer her my jacket. Well, one of the reasons.

"You're probably the only loser in existence to keep a full length rain jacket in your car purely for emergencies you know?" She piped up.

I didn't look at her, "A loser who is completely warm and dry. You on the other hand are going to catch pneumonia."

"You know if you were any sort of... _gentleman_," She made some ridiculous gag sound the word, "You'd offer your jacket to me."

I snickered, "Yeah, that's not happening."

There was a short pause, "You'd offer it to Carly," She mumbled and I almost didn't catch it.

I wasn't prepared for the shock that overcame me with her statement. Perhaps it was the hopeless way in which she said it, like it bothered her that I would be so courteous to Carly and not her. Which I guess was true for the most part, but I don't consider myself completely unchivalrous, even in Sam's case. The fact that she obviously thought that of me hurt... and I wasn't expecting that either.

But she _was _right; I probably would offer my jacket to Carly. Then again Carly would never be reckless enough to go somewhere without a raincoat, and she certainly wouldn't be reckless enough to take me on some across state, shady ass, scavenger hunt either. Carly wouldn't be the one constantly challenging me.

And that was the difference, that wonderfully exciting difference that I'd been ignoring; Carly was safe, comfortable, and effortless, and Sam the complete total opposite. An opposite that used to perplex and annoy me, but was now becoming more and more… enticing. I guess what you see depends on what you're looking for, and if you have to try and convince yourself that you don't care about someone, you probably care about them more than you realise it.

I finally felt like I had everything worked out, like my mind was literally taking a sigh of relief.

So I could bite back, snap at her and defend myself like I have always done whenever she brought up my adoration for Carly. I know that's what she expected and it was almost a knee jerk reaction, I had to physically force myself to hold it back. It was time for my new tactic.

"Nah," I teased, "I'd probably just offer for her to join me in here." I spread my arms wide and looked at her expectantly. "Invitation's yours if you wanna take it."

She narrowed her eyes at me, biting the inside of her cheek skeptically, "Yeah, that's not happening."

I shrugged and closed the jacket tightly, "Suit yourself. I'll bring you some chicken soup while you're in hospital."

I added a smirk at the end because I knew I'd just about shocked the life out of her, I wanted so badly to bask in this moment but I had to save that for later.

After a minute Sam grumbled loudly emerging from her ridiculous shelter, she walked straight past me with a pointed glare and made her way through the ten other people waiting. She approached some scruffy looking emo type and demanded he give her his jacket, he laughed her off and she made her way back over to me.

I looked at her and opened the jacket up again, "Well?" I asked with a smug smile.

Sam looked around the alley a few times, obviously weighing up all her options, and then stamped her foot. "Fine," She huffed moving to stand in front of me, barely an inch between us, "But only because there's no dumpster, if there was, I'd rather be in it."

I chuckled dryly and closed the jacket around us, "I know."

Sam kept as much distance between us as she could manage, which wasn't a whole lot considering the actual size of the jacket and its attempt to fit two people into it, a feat it was clearly not made for. She looked entirely uncomfortable... scratching her nose, shuffling her feet, unsure of where exactly to place her hands. I was having one of those defining moments I'd heard so much about, all the while trying not to pass out.

After all, I did have a drenched Samantha Puckett sharing a coat with me, there were pros and cons to this situation. The most obvious con was her constant squirming and what it was doing to my nether regions, the most obvious pro being her desperate attempt to keep her rehearsed indifference up.

It wasn't working and I was thoroughly enjoying every minute of her awkwardness. It was a welcomed swap, my ability to remain stoic, silent and completely at ease made easier because of this new development.

I caught myself smirking, and Sam had obviously caught me too, because I felt her whole body tense.

"Would you keep your hands where I can see them?" She snapped, looking up at me through her bangs.

I looked down at her and replaced my smirk with a bored expression, "My hands are in my pockets."

"Your hands," She seethed, fixing her cold eyes on mine, "Are on my ass."

I knew exactly where they were, and had no intention of moving them. If she wasn't glaring at me with all the menace of a serial killer, I probably would have laughed. Instead I returned her glare with a confident one of my own.

"It's freezing, Sam. I'm not taking my hands out of the jacket so just learn to live with it."

"Move them or lose them," She spoke slowly, emphasising each word with distaste.

"Fine," I shrugged, moving my hands to the small of her back. The action forcing her to take that one last remaining step towards me so our bodies were now flush against each other.

Sam immediately cupped her hands under her chin just so there was still some kind of barrier between us, she was nervous, this situation was making her nervous... _I _was making her nervous. I could almost hear the fanfare playing in the background on the stage of my life. I know I hadn't been paying attention, but I don't think I'd ever made Samantha Puckett nervous.

I'd also never noticed just how perfectly she fitted in to my arms, I guess the point being that I'd never held her like this before to know that was the case.

We remained like that for about fifteen minutes before Sam began to shiver involuntarily, I didn't want to break the moment but I also didn't want her to actually catch pneumonia. Staying here like this was no good for her, and the movement her shivering body was making against mine soon wouldn't be good for me either.

"You can go wait in the car if you want, I'll stay here and get the tickets."

I must have startled her because she snapped her eyes up to look at me, "Are you serious right now?"

I shrugged one shoulder, "Well yeah. I mean you can't stop shivering... and I need to score some major points, remember?"

She pursed her lips, "Okay."

"Okay."

I only had to wait another forty five minutes for the tickets, but by the time I got back to the car Sam was already sound asleep in the passenger seat. I decided not to wake her, she looked so peaceful and I could do with some time to decompress the evening, the last nine months, the last ten years. However, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't just a little bit petrified of what would happen if I were to wake her up, so there was that as well.

How was it possible that I had overlooked what I had right in front of me this whole time? I really would love a definitive answer to that question, one that doesn't include stupidity, rose tinted glasses and a heightened sense of delusion.

I'd wasted far too much time... time I was hoping I could get back once I told her how I felt. The idea that she could quite easily reject me didn't really cross my mind, perhaps this arrogant cocky thing had its advantages... no over thinking.

When I finally pulled into campus and parked the car I was struck with that day after Christmas feeling. All the revelations and all the events over the course of the day and evening didn't mean she was mine. I didn't want it to be over.

I also didn't want to have to wake her but she wasn't budging. I lightly touched her hair and nudged her hand which caused her to stir, a lot less ferociously than I anticipated.

_Phew._

"Oh crap, I fell asleep... I wasn't drooling or nothin' was I?"

"Actually you were, I think you even shorted out the gears with-"

She smacked me across the head, hard, which I expected but the uncontrollable laughter escaping my mouth wasn't. Sam obviously wasn't expecting that either because she hit me again, twice. I forced back the laughter and asked if she wanted to head over to the diner for a late night snack or something, figuring she wouldn't turn it down and I could spend just a little bit more time with her.

But she declined because she was exhausted, a statement I had to get her to repeat three times before I believed it. If she got hungry there were enough snacks in her mini fridge to last her until next winter... apparently.

So she left me with a sincere thank you and I made sure she got to her dorm safely, watching her through the window of my car.

* * *

Sitting in the diner waiting for my food, there was some young hot headed girl giving the poor demure boy behind the counter a hard time about... well, everything, from the lack of fries to the watered down ketchup they served. The boy looked utterly terrified and bewildered, like a blood thirsty hyena had advanced on him without warning. The rest of the patrons watched on with their own shocked/appalled expressions, I could do nothing but smile.

It was all so familiar, I actually had half a mind to take the boy aside and give him a pep talk in all things girl related, namely that _type _of girl. But I was no expert that was obvious, and he'd figure it all out sooner or later. Just as I had done.

It's amazing how one seemingly insignificant event can trigger the most significant outcome. Because as I sat there mindlessly chewing my burger, dipping it into the aforementioned watered down ketchup, and watching the young girl tear more shreds off the defenceless boy, I knew what I was going to do.

I was going to tell her, and I was going to do it tomorrow.

There isn't an appropriate word to describe what overcame me, probably because this feeling was completely unfamiliar to me. I'd ignored it for so long.

I strolled back to my dorm lazily, not bothered by the dark uncertain shadows all around campus that my mother had warned me about last time she was here. I threw my keys and wallet onto the table next to my bed and flicked the dull lamp on, Sam appearing completely out of nowhere sitting at my desk.

"FUCK!" I shrieked, "Sam you scared the shit out of me," I stopped for a second to collect myself. "What are you doing here sitting in the dark?"

She didn't respond and it was then that I took in her appearance; slumped in my chair, head down, absently picking at one of the stickers I'd stuck to my desk back in elementary school. You couldn't get those things off without some kind of alcohol based chemical.

She was upset... or perhaps lost is a more appropriate way to describe her. It was unnerving. It hurt me to look at her, knowing that something had caused her enough pain to sit in my room alone, in the dark. Sam was always fragile, despite her reluctance to admit that, I knew it to be true and especially now in these moments, the ones I'd frankly seen enough of.

I'd always handled them incorrectly, never knowing just how to approach her... but not this time.

I slowly walked over to my bed and sat down, content with letting her be. I wouldn't pester her to tell me what was wrong; she'd talk when she was ready. So I just waited, patiently, glancing at her occasionally, keeping myself occupied by staring at the intricate weaved pattern of the rug on the floor. It actually reminded me of the spider I was so fixated on earlier, how something so simple could be at the same time so complex.

I glanced up one more time to find Sam no longer picking at the desk, instead staring blankly at her lap biting her bottom lip.

"I spoke to Carly."

/

**A/N:** Oh I just love me those cliffhangers don't I? Well have no fear, the next update will NOT be as far away as this one was. That's not a promise it's a fact... I bet you my car, my Mac, my leg... my music collection. Now **that's** saying something! Speaking of music, how many of you listen to the songs that my chapter titles come from? Just curious. Review yeah? xD

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

**Pimpimg, pimpers:** It's kinda getting redundant, no? The Earl of Sandwich & Pieequals36, without them and our crazy chats and incessant emailing back and forth... and putting up with the completely psychotic fangirling I did for over a week before and after iOMG had aired... this chapter would not be here.

Chapter title comes from the song 'The New' by Interpol.


	13. So who's to worry

**i'Ve lost my mind: **Happy one year anniversary to me! (Ok it's a little late or more like a lot late but it's still been one year) …and same to all of _you _who have stuck by me since then, waiting (somewhat) patiently while I take forever to update, and to the rest of you who jumped on board at any time during this whole process. Damn, that sounds like a departing speech… fear not, THIS CHAPTER IS NOT THE LAST, but we're getting close.

**Disclaimer: **If I owned iCarly… I'd find a way to ban ship wars... or at least make the penalty a butt fisting from the corpse of Osama Bin Laden. Sheesh.

**/**

**THIRTEEN:**

**…_if our hearts get torn?_**

**/**

_I glanced up one more time to find Sam no longer picking at the desk, instead staring blankly at her lap biting her bottom lip._

_"I spoke to Carly."_

It was low and somewhat strained but it had all the force of a knee to my stomach. Sam didn't move, didn't look at me for my reaction she just kept her eyes down, nervously playing with her hands.

A few seconds passed, a few empty seconds because any and all thought had been knocked out of me with her words, and Sam let out a strained laugh; one that's more like an exaggerated exhale, her brows furrowing in confusion and the left side of her mouth lifting into a pained smirk.

I blanched.

There was only one reason her face looked like that, so pained yet at the same time amused… a total contradiction, like she was trying not to give a shit and failing miserably.

She thought she was being abandoned again… but this time by me, and obviously she wasn't entirely sure how to process that.

Apparently neither was I, because an odd mixture of anger and curiosity flowed through me.

Actually it was more like complete curiosity with mild anger wavering in the background, because one tiny crevice of my mind registered that I should be angry. I should be royally pissed off that Carly had lied to Sam and gone against the promise she made me.

I opened my mouth to speak, ready to set things right and tell her the truth but I snapped it shut before a word could escape. I bit my lip and held back the almost aching urge to let her know that I wasn't going anywhere, that if I had my way I'd always be around… unlike just about everyone else in her life.

I had to see where this was going; I had to know why the news of me leaving had forced her to break into my room in the middle of the night to sit in the dark alone… because really, why should she care?

But what if Carly was right?

My brain couldn't stop repeating her words: "_She might just surprise you yet."_

_Well... what if?_

I couldn't let this pass me by I had to wait it out… patiently, until she was ready to give me any kind of indication as to what was going on inside her head, all the while my insides were screaming.

I could feel the heavy pounding in my chest, so heavy that I was sure it would be visible in better lighting; my pulse racing anxiously. Bright red 'warning!' lights blinked incessantly in my mind, a warning for what was to come of my inability to tell her the truth.

But the truth right now would ruin this and I'd be forever left wondering what would have happened.

Sam's defences were down, I'd only seen them down once before and that almost lead to a kiss… so how could I possibly taint this rare occurrence with the truth?

The battle between my good and evil conscious was making me dizzy, so dizzy in fact that I barely registered Sam now standing in front of me, our knees almost touching. I looked up at her slowly, my pulse now frantic, every cell in my body screaming in conflict.

I was in trouble.

She looked back at me for the briefest second, eyes soft and then ran her hand gently over my cheek and through the side of my hair.

I gulped audibly, almost choking on the saliva that had collected in my mouth, "Sam, what are y-"

"Don't ask questions."

And with that, her lips were on mine.

There was no hesitation, no contemplation, no moment of utter shock; it was totally mutual and I simply reciprocated, my lips moving with hers.

This was nothing like our first kiss, not even close. There were no awkward glances, no discussion beforehand, no pressure. This was hungry and desperate and out of control; this was ten years of built up sexual tension bursting at the seams in blinding technicolour. Fluorescent lights dancing behind my eyes.

_Stop. Stop now._

I ignored every warning, every objection to what was happening because I was kissing her and she was kissing me. Who the hell was I to worry if my heart got torn into a million tiny pieces? Sam obviously wasn't thinking about such things as she fiercely assaulted my mouth, roughly parting my lips with her tongue and nipping at my bottom lip.

Her breath was warm and tasted vaguely like raspberries and beef jerky; an odd combination in any other circumstance but right now I couldn't get enough. I was devouring her, tugging at her lips with all the need and hunger that had been building up inside all this time; one hand firmly on the back of her neck pulling her to me and the other grasping tightly at her hip doing the same.

_I need you._

She stopped for a second; released my mouth to catch her breath and her eyes shot open to meet mine. Panic threatened to overcome me because I anticipated a slap to the head and a slamming door to follow, but she just looked at me, unflinching, breathing heavily, her eyes utterly intoxicating.

_I want you._

She'd told me not to ask questions, and I'd probably have thousands of them; but this a silent communication, no need to question it. Her eyes practically screamed it at me, and I could feel my whole body both come alive and relax simultaneously.

We both want this. Our reasoning might be different but we both want it and my brain had given up and sat in the corner the minute she touched me anyway, so there was no way I could stop where this was inevitably going; and I think she knew that.

There was barely a pause before Sam gave me a wry smirk and connected her lips with mine again, ravaging my mouth with her tongue. I moved myself back on my arms further up the bed so I was now half resting against the pillows and the wall; she straddled me, never releasing my mouth, all the heat and electricity passing between us now completely connected as her whole body rested on mine.

Hormones and instinct took over as my hands trailed up her back and under her shirt; her skin like fire under my finger tips. For the life of me I couldn't figure out why we'd not been doing this all along and I never wanted to stop. I wanted to _taste _all of her, _feel _all of her... every last inch, because right now she was mine.

The sensation of her hands in my hair lightly grazing her finger nails over my scalp, our tongues battling against one another and the very deliberate grinding she was doing over my crotch was enough to almost make me convulse.

I tucked the hair behind her ear and removed my mouth from hers to leave a hot, wet trail along her jaw line and down her neck; her head tilting back and her breath hitching a little as I darted my tongue out to lick right blow her ear.

Sam sighed contentedly, thus turning my licking into sucking and my sucking into nibbling as I trailed my lips further down her neck and without hesitation quickly swept my tongue across the length of her collarbone sucking her skin through my teeth. She moaned loudly gripping my hair even tighter forcing a strangled groan from me into her shoulder.

_Do not pass out._

I moved both hands further up her back effectively pushing her shirt up to her shoulders exposing her plain red bra with tiny black bows. She immediately removed her hands from my hair and raised her arms above her head as I slid the shirt off in one fluid motion and threw it across the room that, to me, might as well have been a black hole of the universe surrounding my bed.

My eyes never left her face. There was no thought, no uncertainty, just instinct.

I stopped for a moment just to see if my mind could catch up with the rest of my body and to mentally pinch myself.

_You're not dreaming._

Her innocence as she sat there, biting her bottom lip, straddling my waist... my obvious arousal pressed against her, was astounding, and it made my heart swell. Knowing that she wanted me, however briefly, in whatever capacity, made me choke with satisfaction.

Where the kisses before had been frantic and wild, I now placed a simple chaste one on her lips and we kissed languidly; these kisses more like a slow burn instead of the quick flame of a flash fire. They built up in intensity, both of us taking the time to learn each other's lips. I quickly found favouritism in her pouty bottom lip, and she whimpered lightly as I gently grazed my teeth over it.

That whimper alone sending a jolt of electricity through me.

_More._

_More._

I slowly dragged my kisses down the column of her throat and to the swell of her breast. I could feel her racing heartbeat under my lips and I meticulously memorised the texture of her smooth skin under my hands as I caressed her shoulders, arms, waist and stomach.

Her breath hitched again when my fingers found a rough patch of skin across her ribcage, I immediately froze when I felt her tense above me. I looked down to where my hand was resting and right there, directly under where her bra sat, was a deep pink raised scar, about the size of a ruler. I studied it for a second or two, tracing the outline with my fingertips, her whole body quivering and tensing even further. I glanced up to see Sam shy away.

"Don't look at it," she whispered.

Her unease became even more obvious as I saw embarrassment sweep across her face. Without another thought I quickly moved my head down and pressed my lips softly against the scar, blowing on it lightly as I swept up every inch of her ribcage, over her collarbone, and captured her lips again before she had a chance to be stolen by embarrassment or doubt.

She plunged her tongue in between my lips urgently and ran her warm hands up my neck tangling it in my hair to pull me impossibly closer; almost desperate. I accepted it with enthusiasm and a moan, pulling and tugging her into me roughly, as if I wanted to completely engulf her. Her arms wrapped around my neck and her body was now pulled flush against me; I groaned at the sensation. I wanted more and I was dying to feel her bare skin pressed against my own.

Apparently Sam could read my mind because she broke away from the kiss, trailed a hand down my side and swiftly removed my shirt, throwing it carelessly behind her, leaving me in only my jeans. I shuddered at the thought that I was now half naked in front of her and shuddered again as her hands roamed over my now bare chest, back and shoulders; her eyes fixated as she explored as if she'd wanted to touch me like this for a while.

Before I was even able to let that sink in, Sam leaned forward and swept her tongue all the way up my neck, nipping at the skin behind my ear.

_Shit, don't ever stop doing that._

The lust coursed though me and I had to resist the urge to pin her down and ravish her, instead I pulled her just that much closer, trailing my hands up her back and stopping at the clasp of her bra.

She froze in my arms, sucking in a sharp breath with her head on my shoulder, blonde curls fanned all over my chest. I was sure I'd over stepped the mark. So I moved my hands back to her hips, nudged her cheek with my nose and found my favourite spot on her neck once again.

I couldn't ask her what she wanted, I couldn't ask her what we were doing, I couldn't ask how far she wanted me to go... _'Don't ask questions.' _The request she had made earlier resounded in my head as my lips made themselves more and more familiar with her sweet neck.

"Tell me what you want, Sam," I whispered with an odd confidence that came out of nowhere.

It was a request of my own, or perhaps more of a demand, but I didn't care. I was glad my brain filter wasn't working because if I'd have said nothing I was sure we'd end up in a four our make-out session that lead absolutely nowhere; and according to a recent self discovery I was more than ready for this to go much, much further.

"I don't want you to stop," she breathed, the words coming out in a heavy whisper and I nearly choked on them.

_Just keep it together._

My shock faded almost instantly and I moved my hands back to the clasp.

I'd seen enough teen movies to know that a guy's first time unclasping a bra never went smoothly, and I hoped like hell that this particular one wouldn't be hard to remove.

Turns out, it was.

I tried to be smooth and pretend like I was taking my time on purpose, sweeping my hand over her back tenderly all the while trying to figure out whether or not someone had welded the damn thing shut. I was just about to try my luck at tearing the offending piece of pointless fabric right off when she leaned away from me, gave me a smirk that was clearly stifling a giggle, and guided my hand to flick the clasp open in half a second.

I smiled weakly and shook my head. Now was not the time to look like an inexperienced moron, even if that was the case.

_Focus._

All the humour of the moment was lost when I looked down to see her bra now sitting loosely on her shoulders; anticipation hung in the air like dew right after the rain, her chest rising and falling with each deep breath.

_It's now or never._

"Freddie," Sam whispered, and I swear it was the singularly sexiest thing I'd ever heard in my life.

I didn't hesitate, sliding my thumbs under each strap and letting them fall down her arms. I studied her face for any kind of objection but Sam just closed her eyes and removed her hands from around my neck dropping them to her sides; her red bra, with the tiny black bows, fell into my lap.

All the air left my lungs in a gust because a completely shirtless and now completely braless Sam Puckett sat in my lap, her eyes closed and breath shallow. She was nervous, and I was just staring at her bare chest, non-flinching; unable to really grasp what was happening... or what the hell I was supposed to do next.

Every second I wasted was another second she had to grow more frustrated and decide I wasn't worth her time, walk out that door and leave me blue balled for the rest of my life. So I swallowed every nerve I had and ran my hand up her torso palming her left breast, I lightly flicked my thumb over her nipple and she gasped.

_Do that again._

I took that as a good sign… a really good sign and I wanted more. I wanted to see if I could get that same reaction again, so I leaned forward and flicked my tongue across her now rock hard nipple.

Sam threw hear head back and arched into me with a soft whimper.

I snapped. The animal lying dormant inside me snapped. I was done with this soft, slow, tentative bullshit. I had to have her... now.

I grabbed her by the waist roughly and threw her down onto her back, switching our position in one swift movement. She gasped and it was soon followed by a shy giggle; one that was completely innocent and only spurred me on further. I attacked her mouth, forcibly parting her lips with my tongue and nipping on her delicious lower lip.

It quickly turned into a battle for dominance, as our tongues and teeth nipped and sucked, my hands roaming over her naked chest.

Her fingers threaded into my hair and tugged roughly as she ground her hips into mine and groaned into my mouth.

Lust had completely taken over my entire body.

Although truthfully I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, all I had to go on were the sounds she made, those delicious moans and short gasps of air as I touched her somewhere new, and the way her whole body trembled with anticipation.

It wasn't long before her hands flew to the buckle of my jeans, making quick work of the zipper and using her feet to push them down my legs. I sat up awkwardly and kicked my shoes off along with my pants.

My eyes never left her face as she laid on her back smiling at me and tugging nervously on a wayward curl. I couldn't get undressed fast enough. I couldn't get back to her fast enough. My socks, shoes, and pants get pitched into the black hole surrounding my bed.

All I see is her.

All I wanted to see was her.

I moved up her body attaching my lips to her neck again and then kissed down the valley of her breasts, swirling my tongue around her rock hard nipple before pulling it between my teeth. She arched her back, pushing herself further into my mouth, a low moan of pleasure escaping her.

I kissed down her stomach, darting my tongue out over her navel until I'm at the hem of her jeans, blowing hot breath across the hollow of her hips.

One final kiss on her stomach and I flicked the button, sliding her jeans down her legs until she's left only in her Optimus Prime boy shorts. A small smirk played on my lips as I made my way back up her body slowly, eyes and hands raking over every inch of bare skin I could find.

She was perfectly un-perfect.

Scars and tiny bruises, all in various levels of healing, littered her body, rough patches of skin where time and life had made their mark contrasted to the areas completely untouched that were smoother than silk under my hands.

I captured her lips once more, as our bodies lay flush against each other.

Heat was all I could feel; her heat searing into me and my own radiating back as we grind our hips into each other.

Desperate.

So desperate that only after a minute Sam guided my hand to feel that same heat between her thighs and I grunt into her mouth; she convulsively bucked her hips towards me and I felt a rush of liquid meet my fingers through the thin layer of fabric.

I had to remind myself to breathe because nothing had prepared me for this moment. Not a damn thing and I'm acutely aware that nothing ever could. Her scent was everywhere, clouding my mind like a summer smog and I couldn't get myself closer to her, my desires becoming more and more abundant as animalistic urges overcame me.

Without another thought I slipped my hand beneath her shorts and dipped a finger inside her wet heat; and holy shit if it's not the most amazing feeling in the world. Like slick searing hot oil, coating my finger in the most delicious way, I released a low growl into her shoulder and Sam rasped "Fuck..." as my thumb found her clit and I began circling it with a slow rhythm.

Her hips automatically started moving against my hand and her thighs spread further apart, allowing me to feel even deeper inside her, and that's when I felt it. That barrier, the virginal membrane that remained intact... and I know she's untouched, innocent, pure.

I swallow thickly as I looked up at her.

She bit her lip, scrunching her eyes together and a faint blush spread over her cheeks. Because after all her vague misleading comments and the numerous school rumours, it had all been lies; and now I knew just how inexperienced she was. I am the first and only person to have ever touched her like this.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, it dawns on me that she's chosen me to be the first. I'm riddled with too much lust to organise the emotional significance of that, but I know it's there.

I add a second finger and another profanity escapes her lips, I cannot even begin to describe what that does to me... what hearing and seeing her reactions to my touch do to me.

My fingers plunged and my lips sucked on her neck, her loud moans filling the room. I pushed deeper, curling my fingers upwards, circling that inflamed nub faster and faster, the intensity increasing with every thrust.

Her hips continued to rise and fall, moving with the rhythm of my fingers, and I wondered if I was doing it right, if there was anything else I should've be doing. I was far too petrified to speak, terrified of what I might say if I did.

Action was better than words, so I reached my hand up her torso, gripping her breast and kneading it gently as I found her lips again. Her body stiffened and I quickly pulled back to see if I'd gone too far. Her brow was furrowed, eyes clenched shut and she sucked the corner of her lip into her mouth.

I couldn't look away.

Shit, I didn't _want _to look away.

She was completely unravelling in my arms, her entire body shuddering as she groaned headily into my neck and her muscles clenched around my fingers.

I'd just made Samantha Puckett come.

_Triumph._

I kissed her, long and thoroughly; swallowing her moans of pleasure because they were mine to swallow.

She kissed me back, greedily, and not a second later, moved her hand down over my stomach and slipped under the waistband of my boxers; I groaned against her mouth as she wrapped her warm hand around my length.

_Breathe._

I released her mouth and watched her watching me as she bit her lip and ghosted her hand over my erection shyly, somewhat unsure of her movements.

My eyes glazed over, this was a first for her too.

I covered her hand with my own, showing her what I liked. She grew more confident with a few long strokes and she began pumping me faster.

It was better than anything I'd ever felt, and would probably ever feel again. My own hand would now forever be obsolete compared to this. But it wasn't enough. I was greedy and selfish and I had to have more of her.

I gently removed her hand and she gave me a confused look. I brushed her forehead to reassure her and removed my boxers without ceremony, adding them to the pile of now forgotten clothing.

I returned to my place on top of her, and she welcomed me back gripping me by the neck and kissing me with so much passion and lust that I feel dizzy.

Her grip tightened and my breath hitched as she pulled me upward into the heat between her legs. I thrust instinctively and she lifted her hips off the bed so I can remove her last piece of clothing; the last piece to be tossed into the black hole without another thought.

Sam was now completely naked below me, eyes ablaze with unmitigated want, and I swear I was delirious with passion.

Until realised I was without protection.

My eyes flew to the set of drawers by my bed; I quickly scanned over each one hoping by some miracle that a box of condoms would materialise inside… because why the hell would I be keeping a box of condoms, what purpose would they ever have possibly served?

_Well they'd come in handy right now, moron._

I choked on my words, "I don't-I mean I haven't got-"

"Its fine," she whispered, hands still combing through my hair. I looked at her skeptically, wanting to believe her, and wanting her to be sure.

"Really," she breathed, "I'm covered."

I braced my arms either side of her, tangling my fingers in her soft hair looking into her eyes tenderly. I wanted to ask her a thousand questions, to know if she was sure about this, what this meant, whether or not this was what she truly wanted… if she truly wanted me.

The thought of the answer I might get stopped me, so I just looked into her eyes tracing her cheeks with my thumbs and said the only thing I could.

"I'm in love with you, Sam."

I don't know what I expected; I didn't even know I was going to say that… the timing just felt right. I guess in some fantasy world I'd imagined her saying it back to me, but instead she gripped the back of my neck and pulled my lips to hers with a brutal kiss.

It was rough but intimate... and utterly desperate. I broke the kiss leaning my forehead against hers as I manoeuvred myself up and over her entrance. It was hot and wet, and nothing like I'd ever imagined.

I didn't even realise I was holding my breath as she spread her legs wider and I pushed upwards into her tight heat. I groaned loudly into her mouth as her inner muscles clamped around me and she let out a loud gasp.

I stilled my movements allowing her to adjust, watching her face carefully as she relaxed.

She was gorgeous.

Beautiful.

I remained stock still for a little while, simply enjoying the sensation of being inside her... being fused together, and trying to ignore the nearly uncontrollable urge to thrust, and thrust hard.

After a few brief seconds she opened her eyes to look at me intensely, and I knew she was ready. I pulled out slowly and eased myself forward again, almost choking on a groan as I realised just how ridiculously tight she was.

Sam clawed at my back digging her fingernails into my shoulders, her eyes rolling into the back of her head and her lips parting as she gasped for breath. I continued the soft thrusts with my hips watching as she writhed beneath me, her back arching off the bed, pressing her breasts into my chest.

The sight was indescribable, and the sensations were even more so. And now that I'd verbalised it, I was falling deeper and deeper in love with her by the second.

This was the manifestation of my love for her. You always hear about how sex is better when it means something; and although I had no idea what this meant to her, I knew what it meant to me. I was lost without this girl.

She was mine.

The urge to possess her completely overwhelmed me.

In that moment, she spread her legs even wider, begging me to go faster... deeper, heightening my already primal state. She bit into my neck and that was all I needed to go over the edge. I grabbed her hip roughly and starting pounding into her.

Again.

And again.

Her whimpers turned into gasps turned into moans and her legs wrapped around me, pulling me into her deeper, like a vice. A hundred different sensations were hitting me all at once and I growled into her neck because holy fucking shit what else could I do? I was completely surrounded by her, completely inside her... and she was wrapped around me, clenching and squeezing me in the most delicious way.

The heat.

The friction.

Fucking friction everywhere.

I couldn't get enough of her and the feeling of my heart about to beat out of my chest while at the same time melt into my stomach was like nothing I'd ever experienced before in my life.

I took Sam's lips between mine again, wanting to continue possessing every possible part of her and she began matching me thrust for thrust, our hips grinding together; that marvellous friction intensifying. I moved my lips to her neck breathing unevenly as I feel Sam's legs quiver and that feeling in the pit of my stomach begin to tighten. I was rapidly losing my battle with self-control.

Pounding into her mercilessly.

Again.

And Again.

Snakes of pleasure surged throughout my body and Sam gripped the sheets throwing her head back with strangled moans and my name spilled out of her lips like a prayer. The sensation that started in my stomached had moved up my back and I let out a husky groan, thrusting somewhat unsteadily as I stiffened and buried my face in her neck, letting everything burst forth and groaning her name like it was a religious chant.

I collapsed on top of her, both of us breathing heavily into each other's shoulders. I didn't want to break this moment. I didn't move, didn't speak; there was too much to say and not enough words.

I pressed my lips to her forehead lightly and rolled to one side, pulling her into me kissing her shoulder and neck lovingly. She let out a long breath, tracing my arms with her fingertips before linking her hand with mine, my arm across her body.

I nuzzled into her neck, feeling completely euphoric. It was the happiest I'd ever felt in my life and I fell asleep faster than I had in years, her warm body pressed against mine and her intoxicating scent surrounding every part of me.

**/**

**A/N: **I'm a perfectionist, and because the intense build up to that moment has been such a long angsty road I couldn't very well post something that I felt didn't deliver what you've all been so desperate for. I guess now I just have to wait and see what you all think. Did I deliver?

[BETA'd by iCarlyAngst]

Chapter title comes from the song 'This Years Love' by David Gray.


	14. Your Heart's a Mess

**This **_**might **_**be a note: **This also _might _be an update... perhaps an optical illusion... figment of your imagination. Nope, it's actually an update! Someone call security, or Scotland Yard, or something. I don't know what to say, my six week holiday in America was fucking awesome so I'm not _overly _sorry about how long this update took me. Them's the breaks when Emma gets a life kids. :D

**Disclaimer: **If I owned iCarly I'd have punched myself in the face repeatedly after that whole arc fiasco.

**/**

**FOURTEEN:**

_**...let me occupy your mind, as you do mine.**_

**/**

I'd seen my fair share of movies to know how the morning after was supposed to go. Awkward glances, embarrassed smiles, some kind of comment on horrendous morning breath, which I knew for a fact would be shot my way; if Sam was still here that is.

She wasn't, and my heart plummeted when I blindly stretched my arm across the mattress only to feel nothing but the cold empty space on the other side of my bed.

Delusional.

That's what I was, utterly delusional. Forever living in my romantic fantasies and cookie-cutter ideals, because despite knowing better somewhere in the back of my mind I thought there was a pretty good chance she'd still be lying next to me when I woke up.

I wanted nothing more than an awkward morning after with her, to laugh dryly, shrug stupidly and pull her close to me… spending the rest of the day in bed together. Nothing to discuss, nothing to analyse just a very simple progression, a simple _this _is what we are now.

I had to remind myself that this was Sam and that the pretence of last night couldn't possibly allow for things to run as smoothly as I stupidly hoped. She was still under false impressions and I'd created a different kind of awkward for us, because now I'd have to find her, approach her with caution and we'd spend the first few seconds giving each other monosyllabic grunts and getting absolutely nowhere.

There was no way around it though, we'd have to discuss everything, well as much as you can discuss anything with Sam, and I already knew how that conversation would go. She'd fake boredom then come up with some elaborate story about a head trauma or telling me she was suffering from amnesia. I'd have to bare my soul and try and get her to understand why I didn't tell her the truth last night and she'd hate me forever.

_Oh joy._

As perfect as last night was and as euphoric I was feeling the whole situation was beyond messed up, and last night _was _perfect, in every possibly way… except of course for the reason behind why it had happened, why I had let it happen. And for that I hated myself.

I didn't want to wake up and be feeling such regret and shame and, if I really thought about it, an odd sense of betrayal. Because it was Carly who had lied to Sam to begin with, Carly who had gone against her word to me and seemingly forced Sam into something she probably wasn't prepared for.

I hated this. I hated and loved everything at the same time. This was unfair on levels I could not begin to describe.

I was too conflicted. I had to find her and at least _t__ry _to make everything right. I rolled out of bed and pulled on the first few items of clothing I could find, ignoring the need to worry about my appearance right now and ignoring all the flashbacks that came with putting last nights clothes back on.

Once I was dressed I just sat there for a minute, forcing all those thoughts to the back of my mind with a heavy sigh. I stared blankly at the ceiling, entirely confused, angry and elated all in one bundle, each emotion vying for attention. Then that ominous tone of my cell filled the room.

I basically ran for it, thinking that just maybe it was Sam and she was calling for whatever reason, I didn't care, I was just momentarily happy that it _co__uld _be her. But I was again hit with the delusion stick; and when I looked down to find Carly's name flashing on the screen my anger returned in a blinding flash.

I hit that small green button with a little too much force and spoke before she could.

"You've got some nerve calling you know?" I hadn't meant the words to be so harsh and I cringed.

"Well hello to you too."

"No, no pleasantries," I paused, collecting every last nerve I could get my hands on. Apparently my anger was manifesting at an alarming rate and I was unable to control it. "Just what exactly are you playing at, Carly?"

"Playing?" She questioned, "Freddie, I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about; I just called to see how things went with Sam last night."

She was playing dumb and smiling; I could tell she was smiling. Obviously quite impressed with herself about interfering, obviously under the impression that she had done something right yet again.

Carly and her damn helpfulness.

"Yeah, Sam… what the hell did you say to her?"

It took her a second to register my tone, "Oh," she breathed.

"Yeah, _oh_," I repeated sarcastically.

"I didn't mean to make things worse," she said, her voice soft and regretful.

I knew her intentions were good, they always were and I knew she was waiting for me to say that it was okay and to move on from my pissed off mood. However, it was unshakable and the feeling of betrayal remained, no matter how ridiculous.

I didn't want to repeat the question, mostly out of fear that I'd scream at her if I did so I kept quiet. My patience was wearing thin as I waited for her to tell me what I already knew; she'd told Sam that I was running away to London; I just need to hear her say it.

Carly inhaled deeply, probably trying to brace herself. "W-Well she called me to say that everything was good between you guys again and I guess… I—I just said to her that you probably wanted to smooth things over before you left and-"

"Damn it, Carly," I cut her off, throwing my head back and flopping down onto my bed.

_Jesus you're so dramatic._

"I'm sorry, okay?" Carly said earnestly. "But she got really quiet once I told her, I was sure I'd triggered something and she'd come over to tell you how she felt… or at least show you or ask you not to leave, or something," she paused, exasperated. "I don't know."

"Well she did come over and now everything is ruined," my voice rose of its own accord.

"Wait, so you did see her last night then?"

I stood, a sudden panic welling up inside me. "Well yes but-"

"Did she talk to you?"

"Yes—but—I—it's, she-"

"Did she call you a girl and start packing for you or something?"

Carly really needed to stop cutting me off and asking her string of incessant questions. It was like deja-vu. I started to pace.

"It—I don't—No-"

You'd think after getting laid I'd have no frustration left, but I'd slept with Samantha Puckett, the least straightforward person in history. That fact was like a constant running mantra through my head—one that had two meanings; total euphoria and total life fuckery.

"Well what then?" Carly shouted at me.

She was frustrated.

_Yeah, join the club._

I breathed heavily rubbing my free hand across my face, and preparing myself for the truth bomb I was about to launch at my short time girlfriend, long time best friend.

"Look, when I got back to the dorm it was really late and I found her sitting here in the dark, okay?" I paused hoping she might interrupt me with a question, no such luck. "She looked upset, like really upset, Carly... and she told me that she'd spoken to you and... shit, I was too scared to speak let alone breathe and then... then..." I faltered.

"Then?"

Sixty agonising seconds went buy until Carly gasped loudly and I heard a small thud in the background. "She told you how she felt didn't she?"

"Well-"

"I knew it! I was right! I'm right, right?"

"Sorta," I shrugged stupidly. "She kissed me and-"

It's true what they say about girls and their banshee like similarities, I had to hold the phone away from my ear until Carly had calmed herself down.

_Any minute now._

One final gasp and Carly was finally done, "She kissed you! Freddie, that's huge why are you acting like such a pissy little girl?"

"Because she kissed me and now she's gone," I threw my arm in the air wildly as the words cascaded from my mouth and then time stood still, the air around me becoming instantly stagnant; the dead silence eating away at my ears.

"W—w—w—wait," Carly stammered, "What do you mean _she's gone_?"

_Brace yourself._

"Well…" I said, drawing the word out to keep from the truth.

"Damn it, Freddie!" She whined, her voice full of disappointment. "You weren't supposed to sleep with her!"

It was like being scolded by my mother, although if this was in fact my mother I'm sure I'd be locked up in some decontamination cell for the next ten years; or a mental facility for even having the nerve to tell my mother such things about my new found sex life.

My instincts were the same as they always were; defend myself like a five year old.

"She initiated it!"

_Real mature._

"And you didn't stop her!"

I scoffed. "You really think I was able to?"

Carly sighed, in that condescending judgemental way. "Well it's no wonder she's gone, Freddie. She was vulnerable and you took advantage." She took a long painful pause and I let all the guilt wash over me. "You need to fix this and you need to fix it fast."

I mulled that over for a moment, surely she couldn't be that stupid. "Really?" I asked sarcastically, "You think I'd not thought of that?"

"So what are you doing on the phone with me then?"

She _was _that stupid.

"You called me!"

"And you decided to pick up instead of ignoring the call to go find Sam just so you could bitch me out even though you know you're the one in the wrong here?"

If I wasn't already confused, clouded, fuzzy, whichever one is more appropriate for my current situation, Carly had just made it worse.

"Huh?" I asked, dumbly.

"You have to find her, you have to find her now and tell her how you feel or she's gonna feel totally manipulated."

"I did tell her," I tried not to let my voice crack as that particular memory came screaming back to me. "Last night," I finished sombrely.

"Oh. Well what did she say?"

"Nothing," I paused, an involuntary smile creeping its way onto my face. "She just grabbed my hair and kissed me."

Carly let that process for a minute, with a cough and a small splutter before she sighed for what felt like the hundredth time in all of five minutes.

I didn't really want to go into pornographic detail with her and I wasn't done yelling at her yet so I interrupted the obvious giggle fest that was heading my way, "I still can't believe you did this," I scolded.

I could feel Carly's mood change instantly. "What? I did nothing wrong, Freddie," she responded quickly, the words rushed but firm.

"You broke your promise Carly, you broke it and now she's gone."

There was a beat of silence-

"I promised you I wouldn't _call _her."

-and another.

I snorted at the stupidity of it all. "You really think a technicality is going to get you out of this?"

"I'm not trying to get out of anything, Freddie. But you need to ask yourself who you're really angry with here."

_I'm angry with you, damn it! I'm not the only one who should be sorry; I'm not the only one who took advantage of her... I shouldn't be the one feeling all the guilt!_

I wanted to scream it at her, had we been in the same room I might have even thrown something at the wall while I disrespected my best friend with every ounce of blame and immaturity. I continued to pace, flexing my hands over and over, a strange tingling sensation running through them and up my arms.

I shook my head, and it was then that I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror hanging on the back of the door, my face a mixture of misplaced rage and uncertainty.

It was hideous and unforgiving, but at the same time, far too familiar.

_You're done. So done._

Self realisation is a funny thing. You can convince yourself that you're aware of your surroundings, aware of how you relate to people and yourself—you can even make what you believe to be a noble attempt to change your way of thinking. But until you've been forced to take a step back, look at yourself and then see evidence in the cold light of day, you remain just as misguided as ever.

And that's exactly what I was, what I had been this whole time… I was just too damn proud to admit it, or at least acknowledge the depth of it.

I hadn't changed at all; I'd made attempts, convinced myself to the point of certainty that I was no longer that weak, always defeated tech nerd, but while everything and everyone else around me was moving forward I remained that same hopeless boy, clinging desperately to the notion that life, despite all evidence to the contrary, was supposed to be perfect for me and me alone.

When what I really needed to know was that life is a circumstance and it was entirely up to me to arrange my own; that no matter what had happened, good, bad, excruciatingly painful—it had all worked together to bring me to this very moment. And this was the moment I could choose to make everything new; right now.

The anger vanished from my face in half a second; I took a deep breath and let it out in a loud puff, feeling sheer relief for the first time in months. "I'm not—I'm not angry, just utterly confused."

"I know," Carly said, soft and caring. "But you can't have thought this would be the least bit easy."

"I guess I haven't been doing a whole lot of useful thinking lately." My voice was just a whisper now, awareness seeping through me.

"But she's worth it, right?"

"I wouldn't be where I am if she wasn't."

"Good. So when you find her you have to tell her in no unwavering terms how you feel and just deal with whatever happens from there."

"Right."

"Call me once you've found her, yeah?"

"Sure."

"Thanks," she hesitated, "For understanding, Freddie. I feel almost worse now because you're not yelling at me anymore. I guess I kind of owe you one."

I smiled to myself, said goodbye and shut the phone off before I had the chance to tell her not to worry about it, because maybe somewhere deep in the dark crevices of my brain, I knew she didn't owe me a damn thing.

* * *

I was determined, focused, and wearing blinders because when I left my room in a hurry I didn't even notice Justin leaning against the wall until he toasted me with his coffee and said, "Mornin'," with a smug knowing wink.

There was just no way to explain the dread I felt. "How could you possibly know?" I asked.

Justin released perhaps the heaviest, most ponderous sigh I'd ever heard in my life. He approached me placing a hand on my shoulder, "Well you two weren't exactly quiet now were you?"

His face was unreadable and I got the distinct impression he wanted to call me "_grasshopper"_, until he broke into a toothy grin and walked away shaking his head.

"Terrific," I deadpanned, giving him my best bored expression.

"Oh relax your crack, I saw her sneak out of here no more than an hour ago anyway," he said as he took a nonchalant sip from his cup.

"An hour?"

"Yup."

"Just one hour?"

"Yes," he stated firmly, "Want me to write it down?"

"No, it's just…" I paused trying to keep my knees steady and my face flat, "She stayed." I couldn't help the smile that broke out on my face.

"Aaaaaand?"

I ran for the door ready to get the hell out of here and find her. "Well she didn't do some middle of the night mad dash did she? She stayed."

He laughed. "You think you're pretty badass right about now, don't ya? Well it was about time you two-"

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up Justine."

The distinct sound of Justin's arrogant chuckle followed me out the door.

I took off running at first, flying down the stairwell, miraculously without falling flat on my face, and bolting out the door. I kept running, taking a left, then a right, another left; not running in circles but definitely not getting anywhere. The reality of just how vast my search area was crippled me momentarily and I came to an abrupt halt in front of the creepy, though still important, dead guy statue outside the library.

I didn't know his name or his significance to this school, I didn't care, in fact I was sure I'd never even noticed there was a statue outside the library before now. But something kept me from moving, kept me from continuing my search and it was pissing me off not knowing why.

I studied the lines on his face, the expression he was wearing, the proud stance he was obviously asked to keep for hours while they sculpted him into history… basically I was wasting a shit load of time staring into the face of a dead guy who was of no importance to me or my purpose.

If I didn't find her soon, the whole world was going to fall apart; my whole world would fall apart. I had to find her, because my mind was starting to convince me that none of this was real. I needed her presence to verify the present, and possibly the future.

That thought jolted me out of my hypnotic state and I headed straight for the food hall. If she was going to be anywhere it would be around food, right?

Wrong.

The hall was completely empty aside from one lonesome janitor sweeping a floor that looked perfectly clean to me. Thankfully he didn't notice my abrupt presence and I was able to escape without being forced into a longwinded pointless conversation.

So I began running again, across the hall through the other door, spending the next two hours searching every obscure Sam place I could think of. Up trees, abandoned buildings even a dumpster or two; and of course any place that sold fried chicken. But ironically enough there was no sign of her, not at Flipside Burger Joint or Big Jim's BBQ Buffet Hut or any of his seven surrounding chains.

She was nowhere—at least not anywhere obvious that I could think of—and I don't do well with defeat. I made my way back to campus, slow and begrudgingly, I wasn't about to give up but I was also running low on positivity.

I'd wasted two hours looking in places I knew she wouldn't be, my subconscious attempt to delay the inevitable it would seem; until I was outside the library again.

Unsure how exactly I got there but certain as to why.

And I was all but ready to kick my own ass into next week, and I should have, because I knew she was here, I'd known all along even before I'd left the dorm. I'd found her in the library once before, three years ago at Ridgeway. I looked at her and she looked back at me, no words were spoken and I left. The next day was like nothing had happened, she never brought it up and I was too petrified or perhaps just smart enough not to either. I never got the full story about what went down and the only thing I had to go on all these years were rumours. Rumours that I knew now weren't even true.

So there was no question where she'd be, far back corner amongst the books that rarely saw the light of day. Just like last time.

The library was virtually empty; I decided that was a good thing, because if Sam was going to cause a scene there weren't too many people she'd be disturbing. On the other hand if she was going to murder me I didn't have a whole lot of witnesses either.

I drew in a deep breath and rounded the last corner.

There she sat, slumped against the wall, hair a total mess, her ears blissfully plugged into her iPod, eyes closed, and an untouched bagel in her lap. I thought she might sense my presence and shoot me a look that could kill but she remained motionless.

So of course I simply stared at her for a while, almost like I was seeing her for the first time and maybe I was. My very first in encounter with Sam was as you'd expect… a scoff, an insult, and a punch to the arm before she took off running for the swing set.

So much had changed.

That particular day I'd made my mind up about her almost instantly, she was a demon; a demon set upon this earth to test me and make my life miserable. But today while anyone else might look at her and think she was a regular raging hobo I saw nothing but my Sam.

The girl who gave my life colour.

She was beyond gorgeous and I forgot how to breathe as small dots appeared in my peripheral vision in a kaleidoscope of colours… I couldn't take it any longer.

I nudged her knee with my shoe. "Hey," I said pursing my lips and raising my eyebrows as she opened her eyes lazily to look up at me.

"Oh no," she said, pulling out one ear bud, "You found me."

"Well you weren't doing a very good job at hiding," I countered, as I slid down the wall to sit opposite her, doing my best not to shake uncontrollably.

"If I was trying to hide from _you_ Benson, you wouldn't have found me."

"So you came here on purpose then?"

"Yeah," she scoffed, "That's why I do anything in life."

I studied her face for a second, it was as blank as it ever was but that didn't shake the feeling that perhaps she wanted me to find her. That wasn't necessarily out of the question, right? The library not being the first placed I actually checked but significant enough for me to subconsciously know she'd be here… a significant place for us even if we never spoke of it.

Minutes ticked by. She sat silent. I wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

I loved her spirit but I also loved the idea of being witness to these confusing silences, being the one to take care of her, because she needed taking care of whether she wanted to admit that or not. My feelings were complex, _she_ was complex. I watched as she picked at the bagel in her lap, tearing pieces off carelessly much like she did with life itself and I thought that I could spend the rest of my life being utterly confused and fascinated by her.

"So are we gonna talk about it?" I finally broke the silence, eager to get on with things, with life.

"About what?" She shrugged dismissively.

"Are you kidding me?" I tried to call bullshit with my eyes alone.

Her face went sombre and she looked away from me, "Well I don't see the need," she mumbled, placing a small piece of the now shredded bagel in her mouth.

"You can't just ignore this one."

"Well hey, I rocked your world last night I think that's a pretty decent going away present don't you? No need to analyse the shit out of it."

"I'm not buying that."

"Buying what? You're leaving, I did you a favour, end of story. Someone had to prepare you—those English chicks are crazy, they'll sleep with damn near anything."

"So I guess that makes you one of them?"

A faint blush spread across her cheeks as she dropped her eyes from mine and bit her top lip. I'd done it again, I'd successfully made her nervous... or at least a little bit bashful and I had to stop my lips from curling up into a triumphant smile. I decided to leave it there for a while, watching her closely before I went further.

So we sat there I guess in a somewhat thoughtful silence, as the sun streamed through the window, a fiery orange illuminating her dishevelled hair like silk. My hands twitched with the urge to touch it again, every minute detail of the way it felt, the way _she _felt under my fingertips came rushing to the forefront of my mind. It was almost painful, to have her there within arms reach but unable to do much about it.

_Pull your shit together._

I shook my head and focused on the present, the sole reason I was here. She wasn't about to say anything so it was again up to me to lay it all on the line, but that was the whole point, right? For me to stop wasting time... mine and hers.

_Right._

I swallowed thickly. "Just so we're clear, I'm not going anywhere."

Her eyes flickered to me and then back to her lap as she pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, "Don't think that just because of what happened last night you have to-"

"I was never leaving..." I cut her off. It was my only answer, the only answer that was short enough. "...And I meant what I said."

She looked up at me briefly through her bangs, and it was then that I noticed just how bloodshot her eyes were; like she hadn't slept at all or like she'd held back tears that surfaced but was too afraid to let spill over. "So Carly..." she trailed off, her voice flat and slightly confused.

"Carly," I started, choking on my words, "She-she had her information wrong."

Her brow furrowed in more confusion. "But-but she made me th-"

"Nobody can make you do anything, Sam."

That was usually where I got all tangled up with that inconvenient thing called the truth. In the past I would have blurted out my emphatic 'NO!' and looked like a complete jerk but, god willing, I'd figured out some way to be tactful.

_Wow. Tact and the truth. That's new._

I leaned forward trying to gain some assertiveness, in not only my voice, and placed my forearms on my knees. "Look, despite what you might think I'm not actually here to rehash last night with you. I know what happened, _you_ know what happened. There's no ignoring it... sure you can try but I'm not going anywhere and I don't care how hard you push me away. I'm done being stupid. I know how I feel, you know how I feel and I've struggled with it for the longest time; so the way I see it... it's your turn to deal now."

I felt an odd surge of power flow through me, fuelled by my words and by the look of utter bewilderment on her face. I stood up and took a few careful strides, holding back my whistle, but I could feel her eyes blazing holes into my back as I walked away.

"And just for the record, it's pretty obvious that I rocked _your_ world last night too," I called over my shoulder as I rounded the corner out of sight.

**/**

**A/N: **Alright, so I am somewhat sorry about how long this took me… the wait was actually ridiculous considering I had more than half of this thing written _before _I left for my holiday but a case of post holiday blues is to blame. I'm fairly certain there's only one more chapter to go in this here story… so I'll try to make it quick.

Special thanks to The Earl of Sandwich and MuseFair for helping me get this thing off the ground so to speak.

Chapter title comes from the song 'Heart's a Mess' by Gotye


End file.
